Yesterday, as I was driving home with the older two after their basketball practice, out of the blue Yaya asked ” Mom, what if I want to marry a Muslim boy?”
The last time, the same topic came up for discussion and her brother was the interviewer, I didn’t handle the issue well. After all, I am ( ok la not any more, so was is more appropriate) a Malaysian and I have seen the effects of non Muslim marrying a Muslim. And the effect on their non Muslim children in the first marriage. ( http://www.ndtv.com/article/world/malaysia-court-dismisses-conversion-of-three-hindu-children-to-islam-397160) As I wrote in an earlier post, someone I know who married a muslim girl was not allowed to attend his mother’s ( suriani Kristiani) funeral by his wife’s family.
But then I thought about it and felt, I am being unreasonable.
So this is what I told Yaya.
Ideally, I would like to have a son in law who will eat what I cook and I will not be very happy to change the menu to suit one person when the rest of the family consume non halal food. I also don’t know how you will cope wearing burqa, if the boy is an orthodox Muslim. However, all that is not important, what is really important is for you to know that from the day I gave birth to you, to my final breath, you will always be my daughter. It will not change because of whom you married. If you are willing to change who you are because you love someone, then perhaps, you found the right guy..who is worth changing for. And I will stand by you, because at the end of the day, it is your happiness that matters the most.
I do not deny that a part of me wanted to scream and say, please, please, please don’t marry a muslim boy…but the sensible one in my head kept saying “your child has the right to live with anyone she wants to”
Hi Sarah
I have been silent reader of your blog for a very long time (2008 – current). I have always wanted to comment complimenting, agreeing, dissenting or simply to say you have been heard and understood but for some reason never did. I love your blog and more than that I admire your spirit.
But today after reading this entry I feel compelled to say I agree, understand and feel you. Because I am a Malaysian. I currently don’t reside in Malaysia, but I was born, brought up and lived there for 23 years. I have heard the horror stories of the likes of Lina Joy/Revathy and also seen personally the distress inflicted upon the lives of those who converted to Islam for the sole purpose of marriage but were not keen in practicing the religion afterwards (I wouldn’t want to mention here what was done but it wasn’t pretty). My sibling and I used to tell our parents that we intended to marry Muslims just to get a reaction out of them. .We knew it was/is the ultimate fear of many non-Muslim parents in Malaysia and not irrationally so. Unfortunately for us our parents never gave us the drama we desired, but were honest in saying that we were free to marry one of any religion but if it is a Muslim, this country would make it extremely difficult for us and as parents they would feel sad at the prospect of losing a child.
But Australia is not Malaysia. A non-Muslim who chooses to marry/live with a Muslim is not subject to the same laws and policing back in Malaysia. Im sure you would know too that many non-Muslim-Muslim Malaysian couples choose to migrate overseas to live a life they please without the shackles of religious laws imposed on them. But who am I kidding. Of childbearing age myself now, I dread thinking that my children would one day come to me with the same question that Yaya did. And I don’t know how long living out of Malaysian it will take to brave me enough tell my children what you did 🙂
Sorry for flooding your comment section though 🙂
Sharu: My OBG Prof in India is a Muslim ( he is a practicing muslim) and his wife is a Brahmin ( practicing Hindu, pukka vegetarian etc). They raised their children without any religion and gave them the option to follow whatever religion they want. When I went back to Malaysia, it was such a shock to see the different face of the same religion. A very dear friend ( non muslim) used to live in total fear of her husband who forever threatened her that he will convert to Islam and take her n children away from her, if she didn’t do all that he asks of her. Even though, I have lived outside Malaysia for the past 10 years, I am still weary.
Hi,
Just my opinion. If you want to say no, you could have said it. After saying ‘No’, you could have told the reasons. Otherwise, she might get the idea that you are OK with the religion if the expectations you had mentioned are satisfied. She has asked you your opinion, so you could have told it.
Shree: The decision as to who they should marry is theirs, not mine. MY job is to be there, in good times and in bad times. I don’t want my children to live their life through my beliefs or cultural bindings. My opinion is still the same, that my children can marry anyone they want. They shouldn’t be looking at their partner and wondering if my mom is going to be happy with my choice? They should only be thinking if they would he happy with their choice.
You should tell your kids that they are free to marry any one as long as it is one that you approve. Mommy approved!! 🙂 No exceptions. They are trying to get a reaction out of you, you do it back to them!!
MS: I have tried that sometime back and they brought the whole constitutional rights and Geneva declaration of human rights and told me I could take a hike.