Negalinkkanda

The trouble being a multilingual is that, sometimes you are stuck with words that makes so much sense in one language, but can’t be translated to English without losing the feelings elicited when you hear the word. negalikkanda is a word my mom used quiet often.

If I got the highest marks for Microbiology and went home and told Amma “Ma, I got the highest mark for Micro” She never smiled and said Congrats. She said “negalikkanda” (don’t you dare boast)

It meant that getting the highest marks for Micro wasn’t a big deal and I mustn’t boast, for I could lose everything tomorrow..there is something called Divine retribution. According to her theory, it was God who gave me the chance to get the highest mark ( often by helping me remember all that I studied and making the teachers give me the questions that I could answer well, therefor score the highest mark.) and if I boasted, then God could get angry with me and make me fail the next exam..and the one after that..so I would learn a lesson that I am nothing but the clay in God’s hands and he made me what I am. But in my case, I knew how hard I worked, how many hours I kept awake at night reading and revising and how determined I was to get the highest marks. But my mother’s words have always remained in my soul like a little thorn that constantly inflict tiny jabs of fear. Especially because I don’t follow the normal mallu code of conduct.

I walked away from my family, my children have no contact with anyone in my family, I raise them as atheist, I haven’t taught them any Indian values and they do not even identify themselves as Indians.

Couple of weeks ago, Yaya told me that she spend more time with her friend’s grandmother than with her own. ( She goes to her friend’s  grandmother’s house in Sydney every year and spend few  weeks with her). I walked away from my family, not to keep a score, but to save my children from further harm..But I am terrified that depriving them of a solid family is a mistake. Every time my children come to me and tell me that they won the first prize or was chosen to represent the school, I smile and tell them how proud I am..and I can hear my mother’s voice in my head “negalinkkanda”

 

2 thoughts on “Negalinkkanda

  1. The day my pre degree results were out, my neighbour brought the evening paper home. I saw my registration number and didn’t think too much. The neighbour left and my parents scolded me for checking the distinction section before I checked the second class section. I was supposed to show more humility. I would have been severely disappointed if I got a second or third class, I was the college topper and missed the university rank by only one mark.

    Have heard “negalikkanda” quite a few times in my life. And have decided that my son willnever hear it from me.

    • URT: I have promised myself that my children will never go through what I went through. If they worked hard for something and got the first place, they don’t need to be humble and scared..They did it and they should be proud. I never understood why we were taught to be pretentious..as if that was the quality to be proud of.

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