That is me.
Sometime ago, there was an article in the local paper about a very successful woman who was able to manage her career and her children. It was mentioned that she goes to the gym at 4AM every day and then gets back home, prepare breakfast etc and drop her children to school before going to work.
I admire her.
I didn’t register my son for ice hockey when we were in Canada because it meant that I had to take him for his lessons at 5 AM. But it was not physically possible to get three kids ready early in the morning ( couldn’t leave the kids alone at home because of the child safety laws) and then wait in the car/arena till my son finished his practice. But that was only part of the reason why I didn’t register my son, because if I really wanted, I could have arranged car pooling with other moms. The main reason is, I am selfish when it comes to my time. I love my children more than anything else on earth, but I am not willing to be a super mom. I want to live my life by doing things I really want to do. Getting up early in the morning isn’t one of my favourite things to do. Neither is giving up my Sundays. My son loved ice skating and I think, perhaps if I was a ‘good’ mom, he might have been a famous ice hockey player! ( belum cuba, belum tahu !)
I didn’t want to stop living my life because I became a mother. I loved to sip my tea and read the paper in the morning before the kids woke up. I loved those moments of quietness in the morning. It was my time..mine alone and I refused to give that up.
My Sundays are again reserved for me. I do not sign the kids up for any sports that has practice/games on Sundays. I sleep in late on Sundays, Then I make a pot of tea and drink it while reading my paper. My son makes breakfast. if the weather is good, I do some gardening. If any of the kids owe me a meal for the 10$ I gave during the week, then that person cook lunch, if not, I cook ela shappadu. Rest of the afternoon I play board/card games with my children. if they have homework to do, then I spend my afternoon learning new things..current passion is embroidery. I used to do Kutch work when I was young. I had forgotten how to do it and the past few sundays I have been spending more time trying to thread the needle because I can’t see the hole in the needle and am too stubborn to ask for help and than learning how to do the stitch.. But I am getting there. I have this delusion of making a skirt for Yaya..like the one I had when I was young. Peacock blue skirt with rows and rows of colourful kutch work and mirror work..
I can give my children all my time and attention Monday to Saturday from 6.30 AM till 9 PM. But I will keep the early mornings and the Sunday for me.
Selfish, I know,
Why selfish?!! Are you not entitled to your own time and life? I disagree!! I think that the time you keep for yourself and spend drinking tea, sleeping, reading, gardening, playing with your kids or just staring at the clouds makes you a better and interesting person, which benefits the whole family. If you were to only spend time driving the kids and caring about them and not about yourself, you would be a cranky, uninteresting and bitter person.. in my view you are doing the right thing. Be selfish! 🙂
MS: Thanks ma.
I would relabel your post *smart* instead of selfish. Moms that maintain their identity maintain their sanity and have kids who grow up with a mom who isn’t a drug addict or alcoholic. If I didn’t have myself, I know I would turn to something unhealthy. Good on you for being a dedicated mom. We need more! (dedicated moms and moms willing to not kill themselves to appear super…)
Christine: You are right.
Selfish is not the appropriate word! Sorry, got to disagree with you on that!
Jay: It is the right word ma..as a woman, you are now expected to do it all because there are so many super moms out there who can do it all. You are supposed to keep yourself in the back of the queue, your job, your husband,your kids, your family all come before you. Only then you are to think of yourself. How many women now a days even have a hobby? Everyone is so busy..and if you aren’t busy and god forbid have some free time, then it is assumed that you are wasting your time and not using it productively.
It is not selfish. It is keeping yourself healthy, as a happy and healthy mom is the best mom. I too do things for myself, otherwise constant working and taking care of house and kids makes me crabby, tired and overall “not good”. I make it a point to wake up late on weekends, spend some time with friends and go shopping with just my older one. I feel that it will be a dis-service to my kids, for not providing them with a fully functional mom.
Joan: You have very good points !
Noooooooo….don’t agree with you at all.
You are not selfish for having some time for
yourself.
Enjoyyyyy!!!….don’t stop what you are doing 🙂
Geeta: If you live amongst super moms, especially those that take their children for rowing lessons every morning before the birds woke up etc..they will tell you, how busy they are and all the things they do for their children because ultimately the children’s success is directly linked to maternal input..it makes you feel that you are incredibly selfish.
I have to disagree with the title. Its not selfish, its the best thing that you can do as a mom. To have balance in the things you do. If you dont have time for yourself then that s like suffocating yourself in the course of becoming a super mom 🙂 I try to practice the same as well, not to forget “me” in the process of becoming a super mom or super professional. When u say ela shappadu do u mean sadya? i always want to do that on holidays but never get around doing it.
Raj: When the kids were little, I used to take them to the Indian restaurants in KL for Banana leaf meal every Sunday. It was an opportunity to teach them to eat using their hand and also introduce them to the joy of mixing various curries and enjoying a meal. I remember, one time the annai served the meal and the curries, I turned my head to ask him for fish fry for Yaya and in that split second, my son who was 4, mixed everything, including the payasam with his rice. Even the owner of the restaurant came to see the drama..and ordered the staff to serve my son a new leaf and meal..
It is pretty simple to do the sadya. I pressure cook the dhal. half goes for parippu curry and the other half for sambar. then make a thoran ) often with spinach because it is quick to chop and cook. Pineapple pachadi is made from canned pineapple. I also make Aviyal because it is my children’s favourite. serve this pappadam and they are all happy campers.
Yeah, it is nice to give them experience. Will try it soon!
Evey one is different..For some, kids are the extension to their own self and they do not have an existence outside the kids. For others, like you and me, kids are an extension of own self, but need to do something else also to maintain sanity and to be there for kids. There can be nothing worse than an unhappy mom who will recount the sacrifices they made for the kids at every chance they get. So, I think you are doing well to take time for yourself.You are taking 1 hr to make sure the rest of the 23 hrs are productive.
Ann: you nailed it. Only after reading your comment I realized why I behave this way. All my life I heard “pathu masam chumannu, nonthu prasavichu, appantey adi kondu, nalla oru saree polum vangichilla. etc etc” As a child I felt tremendous guilt for all that my mother sacrificed for me.. as a second year med student, when I attended the first labour, I realized every woman goes through the same and my mother didn’t really do anything special. But the way she made me feel, it was terrible.
I was going to send you an e-mail instead oftyping a reply here. But thena lot of people have written my
contd…
A lot of people have written my exact same opinion.
Also, I now think you ARE a supermom. Aviyal every week! I make it for just onam and vishu even though it is the food I like most in the world. May be I should move to Australia and visit you on Sundays:)
URT: I find avial is the easiest thing to make, very little stirring involved and apart from chopping the vege, there is really no major work to do. Grinding the coconut takes less than a minute. I find making mezhukkuparatti the most time consuming.
But cutting the vegetables takes forever. ..
URT: I find cutting vege for avial very easy, I hate cutting potatoes to make mezhukku puratti
Sarah, I agree with Ann. I’m posting the link to an article that I read recently. http://www.drhurd.com/index.php/Life-s-a-Beach/Published-Columns/Should-Kids-Be-Grateful-to-their-Parents-DE-Coast-Press.html
KT: that was a beautiful article. I wish mother’s like mine who always talked about their “sacrifice” would read it.