I screwed up !

I don’t know if this part of me is inborn, part of my genetic makeup?

I am well read, have a very high IQ and I should be able to not  screw up over and over, Isn’t that why we are given a brain?

Yaya got a C for the maths test ( trigonometry) and my child came home with a broken heart, hoping that I would console her.

She was waiting by the door for me when I came back and as soon as I entered the house she said “mom, I got a C for maths”

Without thinking I said “I am very disappointed”

Apparently, according to my child, the worst a parent can do is to tell their child that they are disappointed with them. She said, she wouldn’t have minded if I scolded her, but not tell her that I was disappointed, for I made her feel  that  not only she failed herself, but also her mother.

If I could turn the clock back, I would hug her and tell her it is just one exam, it isn’t the end of the world. After all how many mottas ( zero marks) I got for maths !

.Erinja kallum paranja vakkum ( stones that are cast in to the water and the words that are spoken can never be retrieved)

This is not the first time I screwed up. When we went to Canada, Yaya only studied few months in grade 1 ( in Malaysia) and was enrolled in grade 2 in Canada. When I went to pick her up, she ran to me holding a piece of paper and told me, “mom, I got 49/50 for maths”

This is a child who never went to kindergarten and only had 5 months of formal education. I should have been proud, No?

You know what I asked my child? “How come you only got 49?, why didn’t you get 50/50?” I regretted it the moment those words came out of my mouth. It was like I am programmed to be not satisfied. I know I shouldn’t be like this.

I know I should encourage my children and not break their spirits.. but sometimes it is just so hard..

And yesterday was also the happiest day for Yaya..

When Yaya came back from Spain, she had to do a literature study and write 1500 words essay on any Spanish novel/book. They had 14 days to do the assignment. All the kids in her class picked small books, but not Yaya. She chose to read El Alquimista by Michael Scott. ( 428 pages). It took her 9 days to finish the book and she had to stay up until 3 am for 5 days to write the assignment.

The mother in me wanted to ask her why she chose such a difficult book?, the mother in me wanted to tell her, you should have picked some obscure book that your teacher wouldn’t have read and doing so would have given you a bit of leeway to BS. The mother in me wanted to tell her to go and sleep when I saw her awake at 3 am for she still had to get up at 6 am and go to school the next day. But she persevered. The Saturday before the assignment was due, she woke up at 5, sat down and  started writing. She didn’t even leave her room to eat lunch,( I send a tray to her room). She reminded me of myself all those years at the medical college. That is exactly how I studied. I was so proud of her.

She got straight A’s for her Spanish assignment. The only student in her class to get straight A..Her teacher showed her work to the whole class, flipping page after page and saying ” see, not a single grammatical error, this is the best piece of literature study I have had the pleasure to read in a while”

But I had already told my child I was disappointed..

4 thoughts on “I screwed up !

  1. You screwed up royally!! but then everybody screws up.

    Best thing to do is to sit with Yaya and explain yourself. Don’t beat yourself about it.. This is not your last screw up.. you will do something like this again. One of your kids will feel bad at that moment and then they too will get over it..There should be room for screw up otherwise we would be perfect.. You should also try and get over it..

    I speak from experience.. make such mistakes all the time.. with a variety of people..Happily, the sun comes up again the next day..chance to make amends.

    Maybe a free (no strings attached) movie to celebrate the perfect A on her book review assignment would make her happy.

    • MS: chanting a million
      Mea culpa … And still feeling guilty .. I took the kids out to mount cootha to watch the city lights last night.. Yaya seems to have forgotten my transgressions,, but I can’t seem to forgive myself!

  2. Don’t beat yourself ….what is done is done – If I could have a penny for every time I regretted something coming out of my mouth immediately after saying it …. Just let her know that you regret saying that and wish you could take that back..

    • Gautham: I did apologize the moment I said those words. Normally when I tell my children “I really didn’t meant it and I apologize from the bottom of my ‘tiny’ heart..’the word tiny always make them smile and usually they would tell me ” what tiny heart? microscopic heart mom”.. but this time..the tears didn’t stop because I said I was disappointed!! and her tears broke my heart.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *