Everyone went back home, no doubt eager to tell friends and family about the Naga guy who died tragically in a bike accident. How some girl had broken his heart. And of course talk about the song he sang for the annual Christmas party.
Those were all the key ingredients for hot gossip.
Who would have thought that underneath all the juicy details there was me?
Who would have known that I lost my soul mate?
Who cared?

Each time I closed my eyes his smiling face came in to view and then it get all bloodied. I opened my eyes, hoping the image would just go off. Eventually my eyes were tired of the open and shut game and the room walls started to close in on me.
I had to escape.
I didn’t know.
I ran out of the room and went and sat outside the main gate.
The basketball court was empty.
Workers were sitting in front of the mess and chatting. I was sure they would be discussing why I didn’t go home.
I wondered if anyone knew that my Home was a prison and I was sentenced to life imprisonment.
I doubted !
To an Indian, Home was akin to heaven and mothers were goddesses.
How could I change anyone’s view? What was the point in even trying to attempt to change the view? I would still be labeled as a bad daughter.
Who was I kidding? I wondered.
What is more bad than what I did?
I broke his heart.
I didn’t even visit him in the hospital.
I didn’t go for the funeral.
I tried, I tried so much to go for the funeral. Arjun had already finished all the practicals and he stayed back for Rupesh to finish his exams.
I begged him to take me to the funeral. I had never been to a funeral before and I was so afraid to go alone.
What would I have told his father?
That I am the bitch who broke his son’s heart? His father needed to know that,
He deserved to know that, Didn’t he?
Arjun didn’t understand why I wanted to go for some stupid guy’s funeral and I didn’t tell him the truth.
I should have.
I really should have.
It was the biggest opportunity I had to tell Arjun that I never loved him anyway.
But I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
Arjun held the key that would let me escape my jail. I just wanted to escape.. far far away..

What was the point in living like this? I wondered.
I couldn’t kill myself, because no one would marry my sisters.
I would never live, because I lost my soul mate.. and even if i wanted to give life a second chance no one would marry me because of my sister.

I felt so helpless.

Sun was setting in the distant. I stretched my legs and leaned against the wall and watched the sun set..
I loved to watch sunsets.
But this time It didn’t make any difference. Some splashes of orange and red colour on the sky..nothing much.. nothing remarkable.
Then I realized,
There would be another day tomorrow and another sunset..
I can still be sitting here tomorrow and watch the same thing..
And the day after that..
and the day after that..
And nothing would make a difference.

Just as my grandmother sat on that parapet wall and kept on looking in the distant knowing very well that she lost him, but still looking, still hoping..

I was the New Thangamma.. bearer of family curses, payer of the sins of forefathers.
There was no escape.. Some sins just can’t be paid off.

2 thoughts on “

  1. Sorry is not a word even wrth using.I really dont know what to say.
    Even when I was reading from the start, I always pictured a happy family with you know who.
    And if I feel so sad, I cant even begin to imagine how much it must be affecting you.
    Life is not always a bollywood movie I guess
    All I can give you is Hugs..and will give u that as much as u want

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