“Where do you want to go?” Arjun asked as he was starting the bike.
I was feeling bad about the way I treated him, in order to placate him I answered
“Anywhere Arjun. Why don’t you pick where you want to go?”
Arjun shook his head and asked
“Why do you always do this?”
“Do what?”
“Why can’t you make up your mind? I asked you a simple question, where do you want to go and you can’t even answer that!”
There we go. I thought to myself. My blood pressure was going up in super sonic speed and I really felt like screaming at him. All I was trying to do was to be nice to him.
I have been standing on my own feet for a very long time and I am capable of making a decision.

I thought of all the worst places in Bangalore to have a horrible meal, I couldn’t think of anything quickly. All the places I usually go have good food.

“Get on” Arjun pointed to the back seat.
I sat down beside him making absolutely sure that no part of my body touched him. Even before I had a chance to hold somewhere to steady myself, Arjun started the bike and increased the spped. I honestly thought I would fall off the bike and being the naturally stubborn person that I am, I refused to hold him.

I must, I must, I must write my will. I told myself. Somehow I didn’t want my family to go after Arjun in the event anything happened to me.
‘Stockholm syndrome’ Sensible one spoke
‘What Stockholm syndrome?’ I asked. What the hell was she talking about? Stockholm syndrome is seen among the victims of kidnapping. Nobody kidnapped me!
‘Your lover boy is killing you and you still want to exonerate him’
‘First of all, he isn’t my lover boy’ I clarified
‘Ha’ she laughed before I could explain about why I didn’t want Arjun to get in to trouble.
But the thing is, I didn’t really know why I wanted to write a will and exonerate Arjun if anything happened to me.
Then it occured to me, I knew why. George is the reason. I was sure George would use his influence and harass Arjun. That is why I want to write my will.
‘Liar’ Sensible one spoke
‘ I am not lying, that is the truth. You know what George is capable of doing!’
‘Right, after you die he will go after you lover boy and punish him. He has nothing else to do’
I didn’t have a chance to reply because Arjun almost hit an auto.
I held on to the side of the seat. My palms were sweaty and I wiped my hand on my top.
Arjun was weaving in and out of the traffic and I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to watch my own death.
Then I wondered if I was having some premonition. I remember reading somewhere that some people actually have premonitions when they are about to die.
I chanted slowly
asato ma sadgamaya
tamaso ma jyotirgamaya
mrtyorma amrtam gamaya
(lead me from untruth to truth, from darkness to light, from death to immortality)
Try as I might, I couldn’t quieten my mind.
There was so much I wanted to do in my life.
My mother and my sisters needed me.
I wanted to work as a doctor.
I wanted to get married and have children.
I wasn’t ready to die yet.
I opened my eyes, tapped Arjun’s shoulder gently
“What ?” He lifted the helmet visor and turned to look at me.
“Can you go a bit slow?”
“Why?” he asked
Why? Because I don’t want to die right now.
But I didn’t tell him that.
Instead I told him
“I don’t want anything to happen to you Arjun”
Arjun looked at me for a second, closed the visor and reduced the bike speed.
Wow, that is all I could think.
Somehow I never thought I was good at manipulation. That was my Amma’s forte.
‘Oh no, I am turning out to be like Amma’
Which was worst? Dying in a bike accident or turning out to be like Amma?
I wasn’t sure.
I took a deep breath because I felt I was suffocating.
I didn’t know what to feel anymore.
I leaned on Arjun and held him. At that point he was the only sane option I had while I battled my own demons.