I wanted to go back to the hostel quickly. I was so angry with myself.
Why did I let Arjun bully me like this? Why didn’t I tell him that I will find my own way back to the hostel?
I knew Roy would be pissed off with me and I could only imagine what he was going to do.

Arjun isn’t a Christian name! No one in my family ever married a non Christian.
Excommunication from the church( not that I cared) and banishment from the family. Life is perfect!
Would Ammachi understand and stand by me?
Then I thought, why am I wasting my energy worrying about excommunication and things like that when I don’t even want to marry a jerk like Arjun?
I was so angry with Arjun.
Shop lifting
Being rude to my cousin.
I wanted to give him a piece of my mind and I waited till Arjun parked the bike in the bike park.
I got off quickly.
Arjun was taking the helmet off and I looked in to his eyes and asked him
“What was that all about?”
“What?” He asked as though he had no idea what I was taking about.
“Why were you so rude to my cousin?” I elaborated.
“Who said I was rude? You were rude. You and him were talking ngee ngooo ngee ngoo to each other” Arjun pretended to speak Malayalam.
First of all we don’t speak Malayalam like ngee ngoo ngee ngoo. Second of all, Hindi sounds even more weird with all the ka, ki and koo
“I spoke to him in my mother tongue, just as you speak to your friends in Hindi” I snapped
“Hindi isn’t my mother tongue” he replied
That was a crappy argument. He knew what I meant and he knew he was wrong. But he couldn’t admit that he was wrong eh?
“F%4# off” I screamed
“You F%&* off” He replied.
“I will” I turned and started to walk towards the hostel.
I was so mad.
Just so mad.
I promised I will never, ever talk to Arjun again. I don’t want to do anything with a jerk like him.
‘Don’t you know that no one will marry you if they know about your family?’ Sensible one asked
‘I don’t want anyone to marry me. I will live alone or I will join a convent’ I replied
‘Mother Nina, Ha ha ha ha’ Sensible one started to laugh.
Initially I didn’t find anything funny, but then the picture of me in a nun’s habit came to my mind and indeed I looked damn funny.
I wasn’t cut out to be a nun.
I wanted a man!
I wanted Beautiful Eyes.
There was no remedy for regrets, but that doesn’t stop one from regretting the choices one made/makes. Does it?
There was no one else on planet earth I hated as much as I hated myself.
Not even George.

I contemplated killing myself.
What was the point in living a life like this?
I still had my collection of Valium.
But then I knew George would tell everyone that I killed myself because I couldn’t handle the pressures of being a medical student.
That wasn’t true.
I wrote Anatomy part without even revising anything. And I knew I was a good student other wise Dr. Bhatti wouldn’t have asked me to follow him during the evening rounds.
Oh Oh! Dr. Bhatti!
I checked my watch.
5.40pm.
Damn. I didn’t read anything today. There was no time to go to the library and read either.
I felt guilty for wasting my time.
I shouldn’t have bothered to apologize to Arjun. I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I shouldn’t have.. I shouldn’t have..
My life was full of I shouldn’t have!

I walked back to the bus stop.

Medical ward was full of visitors when I entered. I was planning to try taking BP again. Now I wasn’t sure. I stood near the door trying to think what I should do.
Mariamma saw me and called me
“Dr Ma”
I walked towards her bed. Her daughter was sitting by her side and reading some Magazine. She heard her mother calling me and I watched her getting up and taking something from the side table and giving it to her mother.
“What Mariamma, everything ok?” I asked her
“I got something for you”
She passed me the news paper wrapped bundle.
“Don’t hold it tight. Hold it gently” Mariamma advised.
What in the world is this? I wondered
“What is in this Mariamma?” I asked
“Flowers Dr Ma. Jasmine flowers for you. You have nice hair. You should grow your hair long and You should keep flowers on your hair, you will look very beautiful” Mariamma spoke. She was smiling so happy.
She was taking over my mother’s role. The only difference is my mother never liked me having long hair.
I opened the parcel. There was a long string of jasmine flowers. I lifted the string and smelled them. They smelled heavenly.
Just like Ammachi’s room.
Does she still keep the jasmine flowers in her room. I wondered.
I shook my head, I didn’t want to think about her. I didn’t want to know.
“Thank you Mariamma” I turned around and showed her my tiny 10 cm long pony tail!
“Too short Mariamma” I turned to look at her
She nodded her head agreeing.
I gently kept the flowers in my coat pocket.
“So how are you feeling Mariamma?” I asked her
“very good Dr ma”
I was so happy for her.
“Can I check your abdomen?”
“Sure Dr Ma”
Mariamma lay down on the bed and I examined her abdomen. It looked bigger than what I saw in the afternoon.
Nah I must be imagining.
I took the measuring tape and measured.
I checked the chart.
Earlier measurements were there.
I looked at Mariamma. She looked healthy and happy. but her abdomen had distended almost double.