There are no words to explain how it feels to do something on your own successfully. In a way I was glad that the head nurse wasn’t around. I completed the procedure only because I had no choice.
I was proud of myself.
I also loved Mariamma.
My first real patient.
I checked her pulse and it was within the normal range. I didn’t know how to take blood pressure, so I decided to let the the nurses do that.
Mariamma’s daughter was waiting for her as we came out of the treatment room. She smiled at me and looked at me questioningly.
“Everything is going to be alright” I told her
We drained almost 2 liters of peritoneal fluid and Mariamma’s abdomen didn’t look bloated. I knew it is only a matter of days before Mariamma gets discharged. I was happy for her. I was happy for myself.
“Bye Mariamma, I will see you this evening” I told her.
I nodded my head and smiled at her daughter before leaving.
I bumped in to the head nurse near the entrance.
She looked at me and I just glanced at her and walked off with my head held high.
I knew I could handle anything now.
Emergency medicine, I think I would specialize in Emergency medicine. I told myself.

By the time I reached back at the campus I was already late. So I chose to skip my lunch. Professor Murthy was taking attendance when I walked in to the class. He looked at me and before he could ask I answered.
“I was at the hospital assisting Dr. Bhatti”
“Ok” He nodded.
Arjun was looking at me.
I ignored him.
Why I ignored him, I really didn’t know.
Perhaps in hindsight, I could say, May be it was my moment of success and I didn’t want to share it with anyone. I just wanted to ruminate.
Taking that needle off was my Jacob’s ladder to success. It showed me my own strength.

My stomach was growling by the time the afternoon lectures got over. By right I should have waited for Arjun outside the class. Something he would have done had he been the first to leave the class. I knew I was wrong for leaving home without telling him. But I was hungry. I walked straight to the hostel, knowing very well that Arjun would wait for me in the canteen.
I never knew why I do things the way I do. Nevertheless I still do crazy things and then spend the rest of my life with regrets.

Regret Nina like Regret Iyer !

Unlike Mr. Iyer, who keeps trying, I was walking away from troubles.
‘Not walking away, running away’ Sensible one corrected me.
‘Whatever’ I replied.
I had two cups of tea at the mess. I was still hungry. I should go to the canteen and grab something to eat. I didn’t want to face Arjun.
So I went back to my room.
“Heard you and Ramesh were assisting Dr. Bhatti today” Shylaja spoke
“Yeah” I replied
I was not in a mood to talk to anyone.
I sat on my bed thinking what I should do.
I couldn’t think of anything.
“Shylaja, can you wake me up in an hour?” I asked her

I wanted to sleep. I kept seeing Mariamma’s face, her swollen abdomen, Dr. Bhatti demonstrating the shifting dullness, inserting the needle, Getthanjali….
Quiet, I told my brain.
I tried to close my eyes.
Nothing worked.
My life was a total failure.

I lost the guy I loved and I knew there is no one like him . My life would never be the same. I can turn my life in to anything, but there would always be something that is missing.

‘Time heals’ Sensible one spoke.
I wondered why she is been nice to me.
But the thing was I didn’t want time to heal. I wanted the embers to burn..I wanted to remember what we had and what I lost. I didn’t want to heal. Because if it healed, then I would never know what true love was.

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