Re evaluating

When my son had pneumonia, I remember thinking that if he recovers, I will cherish every moment of my children’s life..

That was 5 years ago.

When we came to Canada, we met this East Indian lady at the school. She is a single mom in her late 40’s with a daughter the same age as my son. Her daughter used to come to school wearing a barbie tiara and if everyone wore white dress for school concert, her daughter wore a different colour. During a Halloween party, she was sitting across me and I watched her forcing her daughter to eat cheese and Pizza and the child kept saying I had enough Mom. I know I had no right to judge her, but I was annoyed with her because I felt sorry for the child. (I was sure she was suffering from alpanu panam kittiyal syndrome and her child was paying the price)

I had not seen her since the school reopened and assumed she must have moved elsewhere.

I saw her again two days ago. Someone was assisting her to get out of the car. I thought perhaps she had broken her leg. Then I noticed her face. She was showing classic signs of facial paralysis. I saw her struggling to hold on to the walker and trying to walk. Later I learned that she had a massive stroke few months ago, can no longer talk, has severe memory loss and her daughter is now taken care of by a family member.

Then Mathias passed away. He was the same age as my son. He had won 82 trophies (BMX races) before he was diagnosed with Brain tumor. I remember seeing all the trophies in Mathias’s room and thinking( I knew I was wrong to think like this, but I did) if my son would ever win trophies like this.

In between all these, I was my usual self, screaming, nagging and shouting at my kids. I like to live in a clean house and much as I try, my house still looks like Katrina and Ike had been staying with us.
I wanted them to take their lunch bag out of the bag and keep in the sink when they come back from school. I wanted them to put their shoes on the shoe rack( Oh by the way, this morning my youngest was frantically searching for her missing runners and was forced to wear her brother’s spider man shoes to school!), hang their jacket on coats rack etc etc

( I wanted a home like the ‘Little women” a happy home where everyone does their share of the work)

Now I wonder
If anything happens to me tomorrow, what would my children remember the most?
Would they think how much their mother nagged them?

Why does some one’s impression of me having a messy house bother me so much?

And what happened to my idea of cherishing every moment of my children’s lives? Did that include a home that is spick and span, shoes on the shoe rack and jackets hung on the coats rack? or was that all about giving them a carefree childhood.

I will be busy the next couple of days. (will update the blog on Monday).

10 thoughts on “Re evaluating

  1. ..but Sarah, what if you let the home dust and web; the kids gets sick in the unhygienic environment..what then?

    I am thinking, Sarah, that maybe a balance is what should be sought after.

    I nag and yell and get nasty when the house is a mess. When the home looks clean, I am more calm. But most times, cleaning it out makes me tired and grumpy.I am still trying to find my balance in the scheme of these things, Sarah..

    Just sharing my thoughts out loud with you.

  2. Gardenlane: I have been trying to transalte that idiom, but I can’t..It goes like this
    alpanu panam kittiyal ardha rathriyilum kuda pidikkum.

    Upsi: You described exactly what I go through..
    Technically the house isn’t a squalor..but then there are books every nook and corner( even in the laundry basket, Apparently my son was trying to read and change the clothes at the same time and had left the book in the laundry basket and forgot all about it..

    I want some kind of order and don’t want to spend every moment of my life trying to enforce the order and keep everything neat..
    I can’t find the balance Upsi..If I keep picking after them, it just makes me so angry and grupmy and if I don’t, then Katrina stays and somebody gets to wear her brother’s shoes!

  3. “my children’s grandmother’s grandson”, that is a strange relationship..

    Why do people complicate such simple things. It can be a simple, “sister-in-law/brother-in-law’s child..” or some thing that makes sense, atleast in death of someone that is remembered with a song like ..A wonderful world….

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