I woke up early in the morning and took a shower. Arjun was coming in the morning to fetch me to go back to college.
Arjun! Hmm! My feet was in a dancing mood, so was my heart.
I did an imaginary tango from the bathroom to my bed singing tra la la la. Suddenly conscious of my own actions, I looked around to see if Amma was awake and if she saw me dance?
Fortunately Amma was still asleep.
I felt so stupid.
But I was still a ‘happy’ stupid. There was something about falling in love that makes you do stupid things. Like getting up early in the morning to take a shower and then do a tango! I remembered I never did those things when I was going out with Beautiful Eyes. I shook my head hoping by doing so I can stop thinking about him. I wanted to stop thinking about him. I had to.
But I couldn’t.
I went to the kitchen and boiled water to make Nescafe. There was no milk and I never fancied drinking black coffee. I sat on top of the gas cylinder and looked at the cup in my hand. I really wanted a drink and I listened for the sound of the milk seller’s bicycle.
The coffee though without milk smelled so good and suddenly I remembered drinking black coffee with ghee and how much I loved that concoction. There was only one person in this whole wide world who knew how much I loved black coffee with ghee.
My Ammachi.
I wanted to go home. I wanted to lay down in her lap and tell her all my worries. I wanted her to help me choose my path. She was the only one who would understand what I was going through.
The sensible Nina knew Ammachi couldn’t choose the path for me. How could she, when she herself was stuck at a dead end.
I remembered the dialogue
‘How do you know he will come back’ and her reply ‘how do you know he won’t?’
I felt the urge to go home and shake Ammachi as hard as I can and tell her that I know he won’t, because that is how life is. I wanted to scream and get the message in to her.
I wanted to tell her,
Life is nothing but an endless circle of wanting something you know you can’t have. It is a Whirlpool of want that sucks you in and every now and then it would throw you out from the deep pool and show you what you are missing and then suck you right back in. You never escape. You walk to your own extinction knowing very well that you are wasting your time, but still you have hope.
I knew it all, didn’t I?
Here I was, going out with a guy who is not my soul mate and still hoping and waiting
for the tides to turn,
for the calmth after the storm,
for the rainbow,
for the clear blue sky.
Because somewhere deep in my heart there was a place only for beautiful eyes. But he didn’t know that. Did he?
I didn’t tell him either. Did I?