By week 2 I was already holding my books in my hand and was ready to leave as soon as Dr. Gopal called out my name. Dr. Gopal and I had already established a routine. He takes the attendance, calls out my name and asks me to leave and I nod my head and leave. I made it a point to stay right outside the class and as soon as Dr. Gopal leaves after the lecture, I go back to the class.

Each day I went to the library and read all the Microbiology text books and reference books. I knew no one would give me their lecture notes, so I could copy and I didn’t feel like begging. I had no choice but to read and figure out myself what Dr.Gopal must be teaching. But it wasn’t easy.
Each day as I walked back to the hostel, I looked to see if the familiar bike is there in the bike stand. I wondered where he was and how he was doing. He obviously didn’t write the exams in August. Perhaps he would write the exams in Jan. That means along with me! I will be writing (2nd MBBS) Part 1 exams in Jan.
Oh please, come back and write the exam. I just want to see you. I looked at the sky. There were few stars already.I missed spotting the first star, nevertheless I looked at the brightest star in the sky and closed my eyes and wished
Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight.

‘please call me baby’ I wished with all my heart.

I was about to open my room door when I heard Anitha’s voice
“You know in Malayalam we call it kandamrugathintey tholikkatti (thick skin). Nothing affects her right? Remember how she wrote the exams after getting those letters? I think those letters were true. If I had received such letters, there was no way I could have written the exam. I would have been shattered.”
I didn’t wait to hear the rest of the comments. I wanted a moment of peace. But where do I go? Everyone was in my room. I walked up the stairs to the terrace. There were no students in the terrace, that wasn’t surprising. Exams were still 6 months away and no one was out studying. I stood near the parapet. I could see the boys hostel in the distance. I heard someone talking and I looked down. Some of the seniors were talking and walking back from the mess. I realized I was standing on the 6th floor.
One jump.
That is all it would take to end this misery.
Would it hurt?
‘Of course it would hurt you nimwit’ Sensible one spoke
‘but it wouldn’t be as bad as what I go through right now’
‘And what do you gain?’ Sensible one spoke
‘Peace? hahahaha’ She laughed
‘Why are you laughing? Don’t you know death liberates you from all the misery?’
“Right. So what will you do when you are 6 feet under and George is laughing away to glory because he won?’
‘I will haunt him’ I spoke in jest. I loved the thought of haunting George. I would start with making him a cockroach pie!
But honestly she had a point. If I killed myself, George would have the last laugh. There was no way I was going to give him that satisfaction.
manussyane chakanum sammathikkathilla (can’t die also). My karma!

Unlike the first week where there was an absolute silence by second week when Dr. Gopal asked me to get out, most of the boys began to make noise as I left the class.
“Quiet” Dr. Gopal hissed and suddenly there was a pin drop silence in the class. I walked out quickly with my head held high because I knew I was gaining the support from my classmates. I went and sat on the stairs. I had brought along an English translation of Bhagavad Gita. Although I was showing a brave front in front of all my classmates, I was so afraid and miserable. It feels horrible to have to walk out of the class without doing anything wrong.
I needed courage and I hoped to find it in Gita. After all Arjuna too would have felt miserable when he knew his enemies were his friends and his family. I heard footsteps behind me and almost missed a heart beat.
Could it be Princy?
I turned to look and found Arjun walking towards me
“hey” he said
“What are you doing here?”
“Keeping you company” Arjun grinned
“Really Arjun! why did you bunk the class?”
“That idiot’s lecturers are boring” Arjun pointed to the classroom.
“Oh yeah. He has no idea what he is talking. Trust me, you aren’t missing a thing. The only English word he knows is ‘Through’. Everything is through this and through that. And his pronunciation is horrible. what is it with all you Mallu’s? Why do you say ‘Eggu’ for egg? One plate of Eggu Bhaji!” Arjun imitated the mallu way of talking
“I don’t say eggu.”
I hated the way Arjun laughs at others. He was always perfect. Everything about his family and friends were perfect.
“Yeah, but everyone else does. What are you reading?” Arjun snatched the book my hand. I tried to snatch the book back from him. He didn’t have to snatch, he just had to ask and I would have given the book to him.
“Bhagavad Gita? Why are you reading Bhagavad Gita?”
“Is there some law saying that I can’t?”
“But you are a Christian!”
“You should be reading Bible. This is a Hindu text. That reminds me, how come you don’t go to church? I have never seen you going to church”
I wanted to tell him that I don’t go to Church because I don’t believe in Christ. But somehow I felt I was betraying my people if I told him that. I wasn’t really sure who I was protecting. But I said
“I do go to church”

3 thoughts on “

  1. hm.. some comfort to see that the boys tried to do some indirect support. but wonder why no one had the guts to ask why. even you didnt ask why. maybe you had different plans. or you didnt want to listen why.

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