Of all the mysteries my life offered me, this was the worst. All I ever wanted was to be loved. May be I didn’t specify that I only wanted one person to love me. May be I should have specified what I meant each time I looked at the first star and wished
Star light, star bright
the first star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight
Please send someone to love me.
Someone is singular isn’t it? What would I do, when 2 men loves me?

I thought about Arjun. The only son of a rich Marwari family, the only brother of 5 girls, studied in one of the best residential school in India, good looking and smart, every girl’s dream. I asked myself, What is wrong with Arjun? When I asked that question, I suddenly remembered something. Oh my goodness! Amma!
I remembered sitting on the veranda one hot summer holidays in Kottayam. That year there was almost 10 hours of power cut.
Some how that morning even without the fan Amma was in a good mood and we were talking, while fanning our body with a newspaper fan. I saw Amma shaking her hand after a while and I knew her arms are tired.
“Amma, you take rest, I will fan you”
She looked at me and I turned my news paper fan towards her and started to fan her.
“Amma, can I ask you something?”
“hmm”
“How did you meet Appa?”
“Why do you want to know Nina?”
“Don’t know Amma. I was always curious”
“Well, when your father came to see me, one look and I knew he wasn’t the right guy”
“How do you know that?”
“You will know Nina, you will know. Your heart will tell you that”
“How?”
“You feel it in your heart”
“Then what happened?”
“I said I don’t want to marry your father and in the evening Kochammai came to my room”
“Which Kochammai?”
“Chacha’s wife?”
“Which Chacha?”
“Oh Nina, my uncle, my mother’s brother”
“oh ok. chacha appachan”
“yes, Chacha Appachan’s wife, Kochammai came to my room and asked me Give me one reason why you don’t want to marry him.
“Is he not good looking?”
“Is he not educated?”
“Is he not from a good family?”
“What did you say Amma?” I asked her
“What do I tell Nina, your father is over 6 feet tall, fair, handsome, well educated and from a rich family.What do I tell? Do you think anyone would believe that I didn’t want to marry him because my heart was telling me otherwise?”
“Then what happened?”
“Well, she told me not to be stupid, your father being the only son, all the land will be his after the death of his mother. She told me, I could live the rest of my life like a queen. See Nina, how the queen is living now, see my clothes Nina, see the queen’s cloths” Amma’s voice was quivering and she looked at me. She pointed her night gown to me. A faded orange colour night gown,that was once a saree and when it was torn, Amma got the tailor to stitch a night gown out of that.
I didn’t know what to tell her. I wished Kochammai didn’t do this to my mother. I wished and wished that my mother would find happiness. I wished she could be a queen once in her life time. There was only four of us who could ever make her a queen. I knew Maria was a hopeless case. I promised myself that I would take care of Amma, I would make her happy
“Do you know what happened on the wedding day?”
“No” I didn’t want to hear.I was afraid to hear what happened. But Amma wanted to talk
“At the church, priest placed the ring what my family got for your father on my finger and What your father got for me on his finger. Nina I was raised in an Anglican family, we exchange rings at the wedding. Not enough that the Jacobites don’t exchange the wedding ring, I got my own ring back. I was so disappointed and as soon as the wedding ceremony was over, I ran to Chacha and told him that I didn’t get a ring. Chacha must have had a few drinks before the wedding and he screamed and asked Why my favourite niece didn’t get a wedding ring?”
“Then?”
“Your father and grandmother felt my family was insulting them and treated them very badly during the reception and the day ended with a fight with both sides of the family screaming. My family didn’t think that, after they leave in the evening, I still have to live in your father’s house for the rest of my life. Their ego was more important to them. How could they do that to me Nina?”
“I don’t know Amma”
“After everyone left, your father and grandmother screamed and fought with me. It didn’t occur to them that I was alone, it was the first time I was away from my own family, I was apprehensive, worried and scared. Your grandmother, who too was once a bride didn’t remember how difficult it would be to start living in a new house with new set of rules as a wife of a stranger. Your father was angry with me, according to him, I should have told him that I was upset about the ring, not to Chacha. He felt I didn’t respect him as a husband because I went to my mother’s brother for help”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to feel anymore
“You know Nina, after that incident, I never asked my family for help. Believe me Nina, there were so many times I wanted to walk out on your father. I didn’t do it because you children needed a home. I couldn’t go back to my home. They would keep me for a week maximum and then ask, when are you going back? My family felt the day I got married their responsibility was over”
I hated Amma’s family. I hated each and everyone of them in her family. This isn’t how you treat a family member.
“You have me Amma” I spoke earnestly.
“hmm” She mumbled
I reached out and held Amma’s hand. Her Palm was rough and was full of callous. She should have had the smoothest hand in the world, instead my queen, my mother, her hand was rough. Motherhood and series of misfortunes have ensured that her hands will always be rough. Not for long Amma, one day I will carry the burdens for you. One day you will be the queen, one day you will live with me, I will be your family, one day you will be a grandmother to my children and one day you will find peace. I squeezed her palm gently. One day Amma, one day. I promised.

I woke up hearing soft knocks on my door. Aparna too got up
“Who is it?” Aparna asked. I looked at the clock. 6.30Am. Which idiot dares to knock at my room door at this time of the day? Must be for Aparna. Any way since she is already awake,let her go and open the door. I quickly closed my eyes, hoping Aparna didn’t see me awake!.
I could hear her cussing and walking towards the door to open it. I heard some whispered conversation.
“Nina, wake up, it is for you” She shook my legs
“What?” I pretended to wake up.
Gangamma was standing outside my room holding a single rose and a piece of paper. She looked pretty funny standing there holding the rose in her hand like a hindi movie heroine!
“Come in Gangamma, What is it?”
“Nina ma this is for you” She passed the flower and the paper to me. Someone must have got up very early in the morning to steal the flower from the hospital garden. Oh Arjun, what am going to do with you? I wondered
I opened the letter slowly.
Ah my beloved, fill the cup that clears
Today of past regrets and future fears
tomorrow? Why tomorrow I may be
myself with yesterday’s seven thousand years

Omar Khayyam, I checked the handwriting. It didn’t take too long to notice that it wasn’t Arjun’s hand writing and it didn’t take too long to figure out who send it.
“Who is it from Nina?” Aparna was looking at me
“Arjun” I lied
“Aw, that is so sweet, That is so romantic. What does the note say?”
“Here” I passed the note to her
“What does this mean? Who wrote it?”
“Omar Khayyam”
” Omar khayyam? Who is he?”
“He was a famous Persian poet and mathematician”
“Oh the guy wrote the novel named Rubaiyat? The famous love story?”
“Rubaiyat isn’t a novel, Rubaiyat means a poem written in 4 lines, a quatrain.” I tried to explain
“Whatever” She passed the note back to me
I didn’t want to get up. I suddenly didn’t have the mood to do anything. It was a very hot morning and I covered my face with my blanket and tried to sleep. The blanket was killing me. It was too hot. I kicked the blanket away. I tried to close my eyes, so I could sleep and escape from all this heart aches.
“Not going to clinics?” Shylaja asked me while she was getting ready.
“nah. Not in a mood”
“She got a love note from Arjun first thing in the morning” Aparna spoke
“Aw, that is so sweet” Shylaja spoke. She sounded so fake! I knew she isn’t happy, but what the hell!
I wanted to speak to Beautiful Eyes. I wanted to elope with him some where far away. But I just couldn’t. He was so close, yet so so so far away.
Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam