My Sister, my own sister betrayed me! There is no betrayal more brutal than the those committed by one’s own family. How could Maria do this to me? How could my own mother do this to me? How many more times are they going to sell me like this? Not enough that I was deaf and dumb and blind, not enough that they sold me to that bastard, but now they are trying to sell my sanity? What have I done to suffer like this?
There was no one for me. There was no one to just hold my hand. There was no one to believe in me.

I looked at my hands. Which artery should I cut? My bed was on the left side of the room and I figured, my right hand would be better than my left hand. I could keep the bucket on the floor and let the blood drip in to it. In that way nobody will have to clean the room. I wouldn’t have to trouble anyone. How much blood do I have to lose before I would die? I wasn’t sure. I hoped death would come quickly. I waited and waited for Aparna to close her books and sleep.
Should I write a suicide note? Who do I address to?
My irresponsible stupid father, who thinks fatherhood is all about donating a sperm?
My stupid mother, who loves another man and still pretend to be a pious wife? Who refuse to see the evil that her lover is doing?
My stupid older sister, who has done everything possible to get rid of me?
Liza and Sally? No, not them, my baby sisters don’t have to carry the burden of my death on their shoulder. As it is, life will be tough on them without me around. I hoped they would have the courage to live and not be a quitter like me.
Then I thought about the man, the psycho my mother is in love with. I could hear him laughing and boasting to Amma that he never forgives his enemies. He always makes them pay and I knew now that he meant what he said.
My exam was postponed twice that year. He wanted maximum impact and he waited. Only he had the resources and the power to do such a thing. Every single person, including Gangamma the cleaner received a letter. Each was postmarked in GPO Bangalore. Each letter was typed and I knew even if I got it checked for finger prints, it would not reveal anything.
I didn’t have any strength to fight this psychopath. Who would believe that my own uncle is trying to destroy me? Who would believe that the same man is having an affair with my own mother?
There was no escape. Death was the only option.
I thought of all the famous people who committed suicide. I have Judas, Hitler and Eva Brown for company. Some how my choice of companions in hell didn’t really please me. Then I remembered Seneca, the man Emperor Nero ordered to commit political suicide. How Seneca tried to cut the veins on his arms and legs and how painful his last moments were. Then I remembered the story of the lamp. Isn’t my life like a lamp? When the lamp isn’t lit, does it mean that I no longer shine?( Seneca epistle 54)
Does it mean that the unlit lamp is useless? Why should I die, just because a Psychopath is out to destroy me?
I am going to live. I will teach that bastard a lesson. I closed my eyes and I could see my dad waving his pointed finger and yelling at my mother every time they fought.
“Ninte kuthu pala njan oorum” Those were the only swear words my dad knew and there by the only swear words I knew.
and I told myself
“George! Mark my words, one day ninte kuthu pala njan oorum”
I took the 2 valium tablets Sumi gave me and went back to sleep. I planned my vengeance. I knew George made 3 big mistakes
1. He didn’t realize that unlike my mother or my older sister, I have my grandmother’s resilience.
2. He didn’t realize that I never forget
3. He forgot that Time is on my side
One day George, One day I will make you pay. I promised myself.

Sumi woke me up about 7 in the morning.
“Here Nina, drink some coffee. I got your pens and pencils organized already. Your hall ticket is in the pencil case”
I had not read a single sentence since 12 noon yesterday. What am I going to write? besides, Anatomy is my worst enemy.
“Sumi, I can’t. I can’t remember anything I studied”
“Nina, there is no point sitting in the room. if you fail, let it be because you tried writing your exam, not because you were afraid to write”
“I can’t Sumi”
“You can Nina, you will remember what you studied. Trust me”
Everyone was busy revising. I took my Anatomy text book. My hands were shivering and I just couldn’t read my text book.
I got out of my room to wash my face. I could see the disgust on my classmates face. I felt like screaming and telling them
I never ever slept with any of the professors and I would never have an abortion. But who would listen? In a country where a man can kill his wife if she doesn’t bleed on the first night, virginity and chastity are all part of the standards you are judged with. Prostitutes are not virgins! They are not fit to be in the company of girls from aristrocratic families.
When I came back to my room, Aparna and Shylaja was about to leave for the exam.
“Can you wait a few seconds. I will quickly change my clothes”
Aparna looked at Shylaja
“Sorry Nina, I have to meet Jacob”
It was pretty clear that they didn’t even want me to walk with them. I suddenly became the pariah. The untouchable!
I walked alone to the exam hall. Everyone was looking at me. The door of the exam hall was closed and all the students were crowding in the corridor. I heard one of the Tamilian boy speaking in Tamil
“See, I told you, look at her, she is cool, Does it look like the letter has affected her? Macha, how else can she pass the exams? haven’t you seen how she flirts with the professors? My God, Thick skin she has eh?”
I hoped the earth would open up and swallow me. I wanted to walk back to the hostel. But then George would win this round.
I wrote the exam. To this day, I do not know what I wrote in my answer sheet.
As I walked back to the hostel after the exam, Jomon was standing near the canteen. The moment he saw he, he started to walk towards me and I quickened my pace. I didn’t want to speak to him
“Wait” he screamed. Everyone heard him screaming and was looking at both of us. I had no choice but to stop in my tracks.
He looked at me and spoke
“nee ethrem pezha anannu njan arinjilla( you are worst than a slut). mindapoocha kalam odakkumannu moothoru parayum. Thank God, I learned about your true colour. I don’t want to marry you Nina. I want to marry a virgin, not someone’s left over!”
I didn’t bother to respond. Somehow at that point I wished I had used all the opportunities I had earlier to tell Jomon that I don’t want to marry him. I didn’t want to hurt him and now he has the satisfaction of knowing that he rubbed salt in to my wounds. I walked back to my hostel cursing my own karma.

Alienation by friends was the most difficult punishment I had to endure. Aparna was in the first batch that had practicals and when she came back after the Viva, I asked her
“What questions did they ask you during the viva?”
“Oh! The usual things ” She just walked off the room. Out side the door I could hear her telling Shylaja all the questions she was asked. It hurt so much, but there was nothing I could do.

I was in the last batch to have the Physiology practicals. Aparna had already finished both the practicals and gone home. I was getting ready in the morning when I heard someone shouting my name and saying
“Nina, phone for you”
I didn’t know if I should take the call or ignore it.
“Nina phone for you. It is an urgent call” I heard someone shouting again
Urgent call? Has something happened to my baby sisters? Is Liza ok?
I ran up the steps to the phone room and picked up the receiver and said
“hello”
There was silence on the other side. must be a long distance call and may be the connection isn’t good. Then I heard someone breathing deeply
“Hello” I said again
“Suck my.@#&*”
“what?”
“I said suck my @##*”, I know you are a slut, or you only service the professors?”
I dropped the receiver down. I didn’t even bother to put it back on the cradle. As I walked out of the phone room, I looked outside. I was on the 2 nd floor. I just had to jump. I held on to the railings. I could see some of the students who have already finished their exams leaving, carrying a heavy bag. I had no home to go to, no mother to run to, no father to protect me and no sisters to stand by me. But I wasn’t ready to give up on my life. I wanted to fight till my last breath.