Thou shall not criticize

Did I really meant what I wrote in the title? Yes I do.

Many of you don’t realize that I am alive and I lived through everything that I wrote in my blog.

All through my childhood, all through the days at the medical college, I so very badly wanted tell someone my story. I wanted someone to believe me. I wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it is ok, I am there for you.
It was impossible. Because there was no one I knew whose mother was having an affair with her (cousin) brother, whose father had another wife, whose sister was living in the same city, yet nobody knew where she was.

This was something that was real only in my world.

But what is even more worst was that, if I did tell someone about my family, then they would start judging my father, my mother and my oldest sister. I couldn’t let that happen. They are my blood and I love them. Situations and circumstances make people do things that are not the norm. I am the only one who knows the whole situation and I don’t judge my family. I couldn’t bear the fact that someone would tell that my father is bad man or my mother is a bad woman or my sisters are bad. I love my family,but unfortunately my love for them didn’t take the pain in my heart away.
It was eating away my soul day after day. There was only one question in my head, Why me? Why was I the chosen one? What did I do wrong? I have never hurt another person and then Why am I the only one getting hurt?

3 years ago, I took my kids for a holiday in Bukit Tinggi near Genting Highlands, Malaysia. The room next to ours was occupied by a Malaysian Chinese family with three kids, dad, mom, grand dad and grand mom.Each morning the grandmother would bring the kids out in to the balcony and show them the wild birds that came to eat the berries near our cabin. My oldest daughter asked me, Why Mama, why don’t I have a grandmother? Why doesn’t my Ammachi spend time with us?
At that moment I told her a twisted truth that because her grandmother lives in NZ, and because the air ticket is very expensive, it is not possible for her Ammachi to spend time with her, even though Yaya and her siblings are the best thing ever happend to her Ammachi.
I felt guilty for lying to my own child and I knew one day I need to tell her the truth. We stayed in Bukit Tinggi for 1 week and each night while my children slept, I wrote my story.
I am someone who didn’t really enjoy writing, until then the only thing I ever wrote was my 20,000 words dissertation for my master’s
degree and it took 6 months!!.
Although I cried each night while I typed, I also felt a sense of peace that I never felt before.. I felt finally I could tell someone what I went through. Kind of opening the pandoras box, knowing very well that it might bring more heartaches later.
The total word count for my story was 26000 words! and I wrote that in 6 days.
When I came back to KL, I printed the story and placed it in an envelope and Yaya and I went to our bank and kept it in the locker. I told Yaya, she can open the envelope the day she turns 18 and it would answer a lot of her questions.

Then came the move to Canada and I started to blog. Mostly to annoy the Malaysian government, because I knew they( government) can’t arrest me and jail me using Internal security act.(ISA). Even my blog name Malaysian In Canada was chosen purposely, just to let the Malaysian government know that, I am a Malaysian and I live in Canada.. A childish way of saying “neh neh neh boo boo You can’t catch me!!!”

Then one day I blogged about my grandmother. My kids never got a chance to see my grandmother and I thought I should write about my childhood. I wanted them to understand a little bit about being a malayalee. It was hard for the kids, especially because I never taught them to speak Malayalam. For them Vishu and Onam was all about getting Ang pao( kaineettam, money) from their mother. I felt may be one day they would read my story and can understand what it is like to be a Malayalee.
When I started to blog, I never ever dreamed that anyone would want to read my blog. All I wanted to do was to capture the magic of my childhood, but unfortunately in my case the magic and heartaches were inseparable.
The heartaches, that most people refused to believe, understand or even comprehend was/is very much part of my life.

Before you criticise, you got to remember that I am very much alive and that your criticism will not change the story, but it does affect me, because I go back to asking the same questions that I have asked all my life, Why me?

The only way I can write is by knowing that someone out there believe me.
My blog isn’t a place for affirmation or criticism. It is a place for me to tell my side of the story. If you don’t want to believe my story, please leave. This isn’t a Hotel California, where you can Check in anytime, but you can never leave.
I need to write, so I can find some sanity. But I don’t have the strength to convince you anymore that this is my real story. Actually there is nothing more that I can do to convince you that this is real.

I have been asked many times about my identity. The only reason I don’t want to reveal my identity is because of my sisters. Sally is right now at the pinnacle of success. Where she is now is because of her hard work and determination. Any scandal can affect her career and as her sister, I won’t let that happen. So those of you who know me, especially my classmates from the medical college, please respect my need to be just Sarah.
I love my family and I wouldn’t want to hurt them in anyway.

I noticed that my profile view has hit 20000!
Thank you all for reading my blog.
Update:just found this link
Bukit Tinggi.. my favourite place on earth.

38 thoughts on “Thou shall not criticize

  1. Hi Sarah

    You know I do love your blog and do read it regularly. I jsut want you to know that I beleive you and my heart goes out to you.

    As much as we are all involved in your story, we should try to protect your identity. We dont want one more trouble for you for letting your history out !!

    Take care and peace be with you !

  2. Sarah,
    Your story is very touching and I love reading your blog. I believe you when you share your emotional turmoils, the hardships you faced. My heart goes out to you dear. Be happy whereever you are. You are great mother and a wonderful sister, it is a pity that nobody understood you.


  3. dear sarah, the day i started reading your blog…i knew then and there i was reading a story straight from the heart and told with much sadness. i remember initially i used to tell you to make this a novel but i realized by and by that this means something more than all that to you.

    i am glad that you have found happiness in you children…it is not just your kids, even we readers get to feel a lot of the small things, that being a malayali means.

    it is sad that many despite living in this new age put judgement ahead of perspective…i am sure you had to deal with such people many times in life to get this far…just shrug them off. we understand the need for protecting your privacy.

    i dont read your blog everyday…there have been times i had to read almost 15 posts to catch up…but every single word you pen down also teaches me a new way to write.

  4. Dear Sarah,
    I do believe your story and i am sorry that all this had to happen to someone as good as you. To be honest after reading ur entire blog i do understand that you are a 100 % caring, 100% loving and 100 % affectionate person.While reading ur blogs I sometimes wished u were the elder sister i never had. as i told u earlier u are really god’s gift to ur family and all those who know u. I can only pity those who never appreciated you.You have beautiful children now and i am sure u r doing a great job in teaching them what love and affection really is.
    Take care and God bless

  5. Hi
    I know from experience, the many times people laughed at me when I told the truth. Sometimes they didnt want to hear the truth, sometimes it was convenient for them to ignore the truth, people are selfish and its not everyone who can see the pain in another’s heart. You’re gifted in that you’re a nurturer and a healer. You see the pain in another person and its truly amazing the efforts you put to bring happiness to others, often making sacrifices of your own along the way. You always seems to put other’s needs first. You’re a very special child of God.God Bless You!

  6. Dear Sarah,

    People go through lotz of pain in life. But how many of them really have the courage to write about it. Its not easy, to write your life story when its laced with pain. You Sarah are a inspiration to me. See the amount of hope and love you have despite all that happened to you. I believe every word that you have said. You really must be god’s favourite child, he gave you pain and a huge heart that can withstand all the sorrow and love everyone who gave you pain. God bless you and your family.

  7. if it helps u..lots of hugs…
    n if it helps..i believe u too..coz in one way or the other i hav also gone thru some bit of pain..but maybe not as much as u had…u give me hope n faith..

  8. hey sarah,
    i do know that incest kills innocence,and with innocence gone comes great responsibility which u have been shouldering well,dont care abt the cynics who cry foul,your story needs to be told and there are a lot of us who are there to wish you well,as far as the “WHY ME?” question it reminds me of Arthur ashes great comment During his battle with AIDS, from the world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: “Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease”?

    To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over — 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD “Why me?”. And today in pain I should not be asking GOD “Why me?” so Rock on gal theres lot to life than burdening your heart over some fools comments

  9. wow, Arun put it so well!!

    just to tell you that i may miss many things in a day but i never miss yur blog, and i believe every word you put down. Even after recovering from an emergency surgery, I limped to my computer to read yur post!

    From me you get a tight sqeeze of a hug!

  10. Some may not believe your stories, but through them, I truly can sense that pain that you have gone through..
    We are with you Sarah. Go on writing..

  11. I bitterly regret causing this much hurt Sarah. If there is one good thing to come out of my thoughtless comment, it is indisputable proof, if you needed it, that you have a massive following of virtual friends who value your postings and who would be bereft if you were to stop blogging. I feel possibly that my continuing to read your blog may make you self-conscious or stifle or make you question your writing, for this reason, and this reason alone, I have taken the decision not to revisit your blog.

    I have read many books of childhood hurts – Running with Scissors, Dave Pelzer trilogy, Ugly the list is seemingly endless. So the evidence is out there of childhoods blighted by terrible injustice and hardships. The mistake I made was to read your work with my work hat on, the script reader who scrutinises and thinks of the end product for publication purposes. Would you believe I drift though blog sites for this purpose! Your work should you ever take the decision to publish, would be well received by any publishing house. In particular your accounts of childhood moments with your grandmother. Naturally, my views are clouded by my European upbringing, where emotions are less intense and internalised. I could go further but I really don’t want to have your army of well wishers sticking more pins into the voodoo effigy they keep of me. As it is I am aching all over!
    All the best Sarah may you continue to offer inspiration to many and I hope that by continuing your writing you are able to exorcise the ghosts of your childhood.. Jaya πŸ™‚

  12. i believe in you sarah…. in every word you type… thats why i come back every day and check for an update in your blog…. i cry and laugh with u while reading your blog…

  13. when you are in the open, there will always be those who support and those who criticize. take the ones that mean to you or help you and leave (dont live!) the rest.

    dont you see that there are so many who are close to you, at least through what you have written? we are all with you sarah. dont let any -ve comments put you down. see, i cme out of my thesis to read and talk to you.

  14. sarah,

    writing i guess is a way of not just purging your emotions, but also to finding answers that were not clear this far…and when you open your heart to let in strangers, there are bound to be some dirt along with all the love. there will be some for whom your story mite sound just that-a story.but then there are others for whom it is as real as they are πŸ™‚
    there has to be a reason why i obsessively check your blog everyday, and that cant be mere fascination for fiction, it is because at some level I have become so involved in your story.there is much that i cannot relate to, but there is also SO MUCH that i connect to πŸ™‚
    do keep writing!!

  15. All my life I wanted someone to stand by me..I looked at each person I was related to hoping they would understand me and stand by.. Ammachi didn;t, Appa didn’t, Amma didn’t, Chechy didn’t, Liza didn’t and Sally didn’t..

    Then at the age of 36, when I lost all hopes, when I live in a country far away from everyone.. I found all of you…
    I know Thank you is just a simple word.. But it is from the bottom of my heart.. You guys gave me hope, when I thought I reached the end..
    Terima kasih

  16. hei, sarah..carry on blogging, in some small way we relate to your blogs by our personal experiences, do continue blogging,

    “You know you are good, when people start critizing you, blog away, let your hurts fly, find peace and comfort here among your cyber friends”

  17. We do ahve wierd people in the world and sometimes it happens that they all are from the same family but one would stand different from rest. Your are that one in your family. Also is your Ammachi. Be proud of that. I read evryday your blog and I am waiting for the day where you wud introduce to us that wonderful person in the life who loves u n adores and made you a mother of 3 wonderful kids … but boo i cant stand the suspense πŸ˜€

  18. Sarah, the most beautiful post ont his blog is this this this!

    I am yet to read your other posts I missed from December. It hasnt started raining here yet. Wanted to read the ones I missed when it is raining outside. I want the the noise of the rain to soothe me when I read you.

    Hugs and lot of Hugs!

  19. It is said that its impossible to hate someone after hearing their life story from them…and its so true.. I love to hear the story u say so beautifully.Keep writing
    PS:i just started reading “The God of Small Things” and i happened to tell a friend tht i cudnt appreciate it fully coz i had read ur blog that was similar but that i liked more.. πŸ™‚

  20. Sarah,
    You don’t have to prove to anyone about anything.What you believe is you,will always remains inside of you.That is the truth.When your children reading what you have written,all the pain you have gone through- they will understand what made you their mother.
    And your question WHY ME? I have seen you ask this so much.I can relate to it.Because I ask that question everyday….before it was to the whole world.Now I ask from within me.Maybe I’ll get the answer some day.I know I will and I know you will too.

  21. The only thing i don’t like is the Malay phrases you use…now i have to find out what “Terima kasih ” means! πŸ˜› Just joking!…Keep walking,lady,with your head held high! Take care

  22. What a beautiful post. No criticisms, Sarah. I believe your story and I admire the fact that you have written it so well.
    You are an admirable person and a very strong one too…

  23. Hi Sarah,

    I came to your blog just two weeks ago. Something in it made me to start from the beginning!
    Believe me, I could not close ur page since then…
    Now, I just cannot leave this without commenting.
    Cannot wait to read the rest of your story, no! life. And, I believe each and every word in it.

  24. Hi Sarah
    This post was written 7 years back.Dont know whether its dumb of me to reply NOW!
    I was reading IHM’s post and some other posts she linked.Came across a post about widows and how they are treated etc and came across your blogpost about green bangles.I was hooked.I went and read from sfarting,and am also reading your new posts about your children.
    Always wanted to comment in each and every post but my brain said dont waste time commenting,just read the rest of the story.So i am reading left right and centre,whenever my toddler naps or when she goes off to school.
    Why did i stop my reading marathon to comment? Bcos I wanted to say to you, I beleive you.With all my heart.I respect you and every word in your posts.
    Last, thank you for this blog daofto.

  25. Hey Sarah,

    The reason I started reading your blogs is because I have been through and seen so many similar situations and I can relate. I find that you and I think alike but have to go through so much shit. I personally find it a comfort zone (and a place to vent too when things go crazy because I can’t really say anything, my frustrations, annoyance, opinions, and the truth of life at home w/o starting world war III !) ! At least I know you’ll understand. I noticed that Life is hard and nothing will ever come out perfect. You’re not perfect, nor am I or anyone else in this world. All we can do is walk our path and go forward with joyness and grief mixed in. There’s no place for criticism and criticism shouldn’t be allowed anyway.I don’t criticize and judge anyone and refuse to treat anyone less regarding what they have gone through. However I do admit it’s hard when you have family and distant friends who think otherwise and it irritates you. I find that you’re someone who I can learn from and perhaps further learn about myself. I wish I found this years earlier so that I don’t have to go all the way back and read all your posts !

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