Studying in a Malayalam medium wasn’t a crime. But it was like a scab that still stuck around long after the wound has healed. A scab that reminds you that you weren’t good enough or smart enough to study in an English medium like everyone else at the medical college.
All I ever wanted was to be accepted as normal. I wanted to be accepted as a good student because I already had so much imperfections. I had severe Astigmatism and I was almost deaf. Besides I was not pretty and tall like my sisters. I couldn’t change any of those imperfections. But I could still use my brain and score good marks. But even there I was losing out.
All because I studied in a Malayalam medium, it became certain to my classmates that I had external help( surely from my Uncle) to pass the exams. They were sure that there was no way I could have passed the first MBBS exams on my own merit. Not when I skipped most of the boring classes, not when I didn’t submit my assignments on time and certainly not when I get others to draw the diagrams in my record books.
I was so upset with Liza and as soon Anitha left the room I asked her
“Why did you tell Anitha that I am deaf and I studied in Malayalam medium?”
“Why not? That is the truth isn’t it?” She looked at me so innocently.
“I didn’t say it isn’t the truth Liza. But you didn’t have to let the whole world know that I am deaf”
“Well I didn’t see anything wrong with it” She just shrugged her shoulder and went back to lay down on my bed. She used my blanket and covered her body
“You know, you should get a new blanket. Your blanket is so rough” Liza complained
I thought of just strangling her. I knew my blanket was rough. If I had any other options I would be using a soft and fluffy blanket. I had no one to buy me a new blanket. It was funny because my father and my mother earns tons of money and I still had to use an old, torn, rough blanket. If this wasn’t karma, what else would you call it?

Saturday morning I went to the library to read the last one week of newspaper, then I went back to my hostel to have my shower. By the time I finished taking my shower, I was feeling very hungry. Then I remembered, today is ‘non veg’ day. If I don’t hurry now, I would only get the bones! I quickly walked to my room, so I can take Liza and go to the mess and eat lunch. My sister was playing Rummy with Aparna and Anitha in the room. I told her
“Liza, come let us go and eat lunch!”
“Not now Nina. Can’t you see I am playing now? You go and eat. I will go with Anitha chechy later”
“Ok” I mumbled. It was ironic that my sister was addressing me as Nina and called Anitha, chechy. It really hurt. Just as I was about to close the door, I heard Liza speaking
“Nina is so jealous. She doesn’t like me playing with both of you. That is why she is asking me to join her for lunch. Jealousy pig”
I heard Anitha and Aparna laughing.
I had taken enough and I walked straight to the phone booth and called Amma.
“Hello” Amma answered
“Amma it is me Nina, Liza had broken her arm and she is staying with me. But I can’t take care of her anymore. You will have to come and fetch her.”
“Yeah, I heard about it. Acha told me. Why can’t she stay with you Nina? After all you are a doctor!”
“I am not a doctor Amma. I am only a medical student”
“Whatever!. But isn’t it better that she stays with you? If there is any emergency you can take her to the hospital immediately”
What kind of emergency would occur for a simple broken bone? I wondered
“Amma, I need to study. I have internals soon. There is no way I can take care of Liza and study”
“You are always so selfish. You only think about yourself. You don’t have to take care of your sister. She is my daughter. I will take care of her. Anyway Why are you becoming a doctor? you can’t even take care of your own sister when she needs you the most!”
“Well, that is my business to worry about, isn’t? Why should you care?” I snapped.
“You will never do well in your life Nina”
“Thank you Amma” I put the phone down.
Four more years, just four more years I have to struggle. Then I would be out of this mad family. I promised myself, I will to go and live in some place far away, so I won’t have to see any of my family members.

On Monday afternoon I was just walking back to my hostel to have my lunch and I heard someone calling my name
“hey Nina, wait up” I turned to look. I knew the guy who was running towards me was a third year student. But I have never even talked to him before. I was surprised that he knew my name.
“Hi, I heard that you are deaf. Is it Meniere’s disease?”
“Excuse me?” I looked at him stunned.
“I heard someone talking in the men’s hostel that you are deaf. I was wondering if it is Meniere’s disease”
I didn’t know what is Meniere’s disease. But that wasn’t the issue. How dare he come and ask me such a question.
“Is that any of your business?” I asked him
” You don’t have to get so mad. You just have to say Yes or No” He was yelling now
“Who do you think you are? You are what? God almighty, That I should answer all your questions?”
“What is your problem? Why are you so touchy?”
I walked off quickly. Because I knew another word from him, I would probably slap him.
As I walked to my room, I wondered what Meniere’s disease was? I knew my deafness was because Amma had mumps when she was expecting me. Am I suffering from some other serious illness? Am I dying? I tried to think all the other symptoms I have. Except for irregular periods, I was fine. As soon as I reached my room I checked my medical dictionary for Meniere’s disease. It was a disease with symptoms of Vertigo, tinnitus and deafness. Oh my goodness, I am already deaf, but what is vertigo and Tinnitus? It took me half an hour to figure that I am not suffering from Meniere’s disease. It was such a relief to know that I wasn’t dying!

Amma came to the hostel around 5.30pm. She wore a beautiful blue colour Mysore silk saree. As soon as she came to my room, she hugged and kissed Liza. She didn’t even bother to say Hello to me.
“Liza, pack your bags. Car is waiting for us” Amma spoke.
Liza was struggling to get all her stuff inside her bag. I pulled the bag from her hand, so I could help her. Just as I opened her bag, I saw that she had already taken my Tracey’s audio cassette. I pulled it out from the bag.
“This is mine” I showed it to Liza
“No it is mine, Appa gave it to me, when he came last time”
“No he didn’t. I have been listening to this tape for the last 3 years”
“See Amma, see how Nina is lying? Remember when Appa came last time, he gave me this tape?” Liza started to cry.
There was no way Appa gave that cassette to Liza. He gave it to me. In fact once the tape got stuck in the music system and Amma threw it out. I picked it up from the garbage and snipped the damaged part of the tape and repaired it using cello tape. This was my favourite cassette.
“Oh Liza, don’t you know how selfish Nina is? Don’t cry, I will ask Acha to buy another tape for you” Amma spoke sweetly
Aparna, Shylaja and Anitha were all looking at me. I could see it in their eyes, that they thought I am some kind of a monster. How silly of me to fight with my younger sister for a stupid audio cassette? With a heavy heart I placed the tape back in Liza’s bag.
I wanted to ask Amma, if the train from Kottayam arrived in Bangalore at 6 in the morning, why did it take her so long to come to my hostel. But I also knew I didn’t really want to know the answer. Some questions are best unanswered.

Amma gave Liza’s bag to the police man and he opened the trunk and placed the bag inside. My mother waited for him to come back and open the door for her. I wondered why she couldn’t just open the door herself. But what was more surprising was the actions of my sister. She got in to the car without even saying bye to me. I stood there and watched the car leaving, trying to figure out what exactly did I do wrong?

Does anyone know anything about a singer called Tracey who released an album called “feelings” in the early 80’s. None of the songs were originals. She sung”he ain’t heavy he is my brother”, “crying in the rain” etc. I have been looking for that album since the day Liza took the tape from me.

Update: Thanu send me this link. I searched every where for this album and after 18 years and I finally found it.
Big huge giant Thank you to Thanu