The saree right on top was an off white saree with tiny blue flowers. I gently took it out and opened the first fold. There were so many silver fish inside the fold. I tried to remove the silverfish from the saree and where ever I touched, the saree was tearing and tears were falling down my cheeks.
I knew, I was holding the final remanents of my mothers dreams in my hands. The torn, useless saree was once a beautiful saree. She must have worn it, when she was young and happy.
Amma must have known these sarees could never be worn, yet she carried them with her whereever she went. Did she keep those sarees to remember the dreams she once had? Suddenly it occured to me, my mother is a human, not the monster I thought she was. She was once like me, dreaming of the knight in shining armour, marrying the man of her dreams, living in a beautiful house, with wonderful children and surrounded by laughter and happiness.
Instead, she is stuck in a loveless marriage with an abusive, irresponsible husband, who gifted her with 4 additional burdens.
My mother had no one to lean on. She was carrying the burdens all by herself. Even the one person, she thought would understand her, has betrayed her.
I felt my mother’s pain that day. I wished life treated her a little better. My mother deserved happiness. But she was in a bottomless pit, and there is no way out for her. I am the only one for her. I am the only one who can understand her.
Much as I hated my mother for not beleiving me, when I needed her to believe me, I knew I have to forgive her. I must forgive her.
With vengeance, I opened the saree and started to check for the silverfish and kill one by one. I am not going to let the stupid insect destroy, what is left of my mothers dreams. I opened each and every saree in the suitcase and shook them to remove the silverfish. I folded the sarees back carefully. The news paper lining at the bottom of the suitcase was tattered along the edges. I removed it, scrunched it up and threw it in the rubbish bin. I took few sheets of news paper from kitchen and placed it at the bottom of the suitcase neatly. I arranged the sarees back inside the suitcase. I couldn’t find any naphthalene balls in the house, then I remembered Maria has sandal wood freshners in her suitcase. I went to her room, took the pink colour satin pouch from her suitcase and placed it in the middle of Amma’s sarees and fastened the zipper and locked it. As I buckled the straps, I hoped, Amma would find happiness one day. I promised myself I will take care of her when she is old. I could see my mother living with me and playing with her grandchildren. I wanted her to be happy in the final years of her life. I owed my mother that much.
Daughters of Tomorrow
wow! great thought!..
Time heals the deepest wounds. Felt good reading your latest,
Blood is thicker..so the saying goes. How easily you forgot what your mom did and want to love and be loved. Hope you got it….
Hopefully no found out that u had opened the forbidden suitcase
i used to eat them nails only when i was hungry. now what’ll i do? there’s no nail left to bite!
Did you get in trouble for this or were you thanked by your mom
-|-
/___\
That was so honourable, loving and mature of you. 🙂
I wish that every woman bears a child when she is ready to have them
Thanks exactly wat I thot abt ur mother..
ya i support what maya cassis says, parents should bear kids only when they are capable to.
sarah! nice to see some possible reunion in your family!
you are too good at heart sarah. how ur thoughts were so mature even at that age. your children are lucky.
yes, what maya says is true.
-jay
great thought and very beautiful of you to forgive the flaws of your mom. “forgive” and “forget” is the life most postive mythology and that can lead people to very peaceful life. Your thoughts took to the place where you are now:) Your kids are very fortunate.
Hope your mom never found about your travel to ammachi’s place and opening the forbitten suitcase. and dont forget to meet ammachi, such an adorable lady:)
u have such a sweet heart – to be able to forgive
You always loved your mother.you are a kind soul sarah.
And i guess it was not in your hands to preserve those dreams…
..Me
Link for you, Sarechee
http://www.ibnlive.com/blogs/rajeshkumar/388/23242/onam-feast-aranmula-boat-race.html
so touching sara,,
Sujit: I guess, I was always guily that mother didn’t have the life she dreamed off
Anon: Time never heals.. It makes you immune to pain..
Shankari: Somewhere along the line mother knew, I was feeling guilty for her and used it to full advantage..
Thanu: No one ever opened it. Mother still has that suitcase. I used to open it everytime i had a chance..to check for silver fish..to keep her dream alive
Toothless: I still bite and tell my kids not to do it because it is a bad habit!
Anon: mother never knew I opened it. I guess she closed the door to dreams once for all…
Alex: may be…But I wish I knew, I could never fulifil anyone’s dreams.. I could only fulfil my dreams..Which I forgot to do
Maya: Every man and woman should sign a contract that, both of them truly want a child. not because, they want the family name to continue, not because they want old age pension, not because they have nothing else to do, not because your inlaws nag you..
Rose: I know
Rocksea: There was never…
Jay: My kids are lucky, because I don’t have any suitcase of dreams!
Kitchenmate: I never forgets..but I can forgive.. mother never found out the trips I made to Chengannur..
Visithra: I had to.. that was the only way I could find peace
Starry: That was the main problem. Mother knew, how much ever she cursed/cussed/swore at me.. I still loved her..
Rose: It wasn’t. it shouldn’t have never been. I was supposed to live my own dreams..not my mothers
Chandu: Sarecchy nnu vilichathinu poppins vangichutharunnundu..Kuttente style il! Thanks for the link
Anon: Thanks
hey i am also from kottayam and i also have gone thru this trauma….my childhood sucked.illtreatments from my maternal granny as well….hey u know…i too used to go to the CSI church near cms college….striking similarities….!!!
i know what u felt and had been going thru….
This is such a beautiful post Sarah, I want to write this in Malayalam. May I?
I was soooo impressed you wrote a malayalam comment in my blog…!! umma ummaa.. midukki kutti! midukki kutti! esp from you in malayalam..start a malayalam blog too please just to write something.asking for too much, eh? 🙂