Did all the uncles hug their nieces like this? That was the biggest question I had. I wanted to speak to someone. But there was no one to speak to. Maria was laying down in the bed and reading a novel. I wanted to ask her, so I sat up in my bed. I tried to think of a way, I could ask Maria, if my uncle’s behaviour is normal or not? Would she laugh at me, like the time she laughed at me, when I got my periods the first time? I didn’t know anything about periods and I thought I had cancer. Maria and Amma laughed at me so much, when I went to them crying and saying I had cancer. I am tired of everyone laughing at me and calling me buddumas(ignoramus).
Maria got up to adjust her pillows and she saw me looking at her.
“What are you staring at me for?”
I wanted so badly to tell her what is bothering me. I just couldn’t. Maria was not the type of sister you could discuss your problems with.
“Nothing”. I went back to bed.
When I woke up in the morning, I knew what I would do. I will make sure, I am not alone with Acha. It was a simple and neat plan.
When I went to the dining room to eat my breakfast, everything was normal
“Had a good sleep Nina?” Acha asked. He was looking at me and smiling kindly.
“Yes, I did. Thank you” I responed. I didn’t understand anything anymore. I was so confused. I wish I had a best friend, whom I could ask, how does a normal uncle behave. I so very badly wanted to go back to Kerala. My house in Kerala even without all the fancy trimmings was a safe haven.

We were leaving on saturday evening. Normally the driver drops us to Bangalore railway station. This time Acha said he would drop us to the station as he was going to Chickamagalore. I counted the hours to go back home. Before leaving Amma still had shopping to do.
“Why don’t you and Maria go for shopping?” Acha asked Amma.
I wanted to go too, not because I wanted to shop, but I was safe with my mother and sister
“Can I come too?” I asked Amma
“Nina, stay here with your sisters and help me to pack the bags”
“No Amma, I want to come with you” I pleaded.
“Come on Nina, stop being a pest” Maria spoke
Why don’t you people understand that I don’t want to be alone with Acha. I wanted the words to come out. But it didn’t. I watched the car leaving with my only security in this world. The gates of the hell was closed and I was still inside. I consoled myself as I had my younger sisters.
“Liza and Sally, come and help me to pack the bags” I ordered and quickly went to the bedroom. Acha was watching us and I knew, he won’t touch me infront of my sisters.
I finished packing all the bags and I wanted to bath before we leave.
“Liza and Sally, I am going to have my bath. You guys are going to stay here. Till I come out of the shower, don’t move from here”
“Ok Nina” Liza agreed
“You guys understand right? You will not move from here till I come out of the shower”
“Yes Nina, we understood” Liza sounded annoyed
I went confidentally for my shower, knowing that I am safe, if my sisters are outside the door. I was actually proud of my intelligence.
I must have taken the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life, because I was also worried about leaving my sisters alone outside. I quickly got dressed and opened the door.
My sisters were not in the room, but he was there. His eyes were twinkiling and the look on his face, that haunts me to this day.

“You tell your mother, I will kill both of you” That was his parting words. I was numb. I couldn’t think any more. I walked out of the room and found my sisters. They were cycling outside
“Liza and Sally.. Didn’t I tell you not to leave the room till I come out of the shower?” I was so mad at them, I wanted to kill both of them.
“Your sister is jealous because I didn’t get a bicycle for her” He was still smiling kindly.
I sat down on the step, I watched my mother and sister returning. They must have been blind, because they didn’t see the dry tears in my eyes, or perhaps they too were playing the same game and it was normal for them. I watched Amma asking Acha
“Where did you get the bicycles?”
“Across the street. They rent bicycles in one of the shops there. I thought, they might as well learn to bicycle”
On the way back to Bangalore in his car, I wasn’t sure who I was. The Nina I knew was dead. This was somebody else. I felt like a stranger to myself. There was an emptiness, that I couldn’t understand anymore. But I knew, come what may, I will tell my mother about her wonderful brother. I couldn’t speak to her in the train as there were other passengers. When the train reached Kottayam, I counted the seconds before I could reach home. The auto was struggling up the hill from the railway station. I wanted to kill the driver for going slow. When we reached our home, Amma was taking a long time to open the door.
“Give me the key” I yelled.
Amma looked at me stunned. I snatched the key from her hands and opened the door. The house was dusty and smelled terrible.
“Oh god, it will take me the whole day to clean and get this house back in order” I heard Amma speaking. I wanted to tell her, but Liza and Sally were with me. I watched Amma going to the kitchen, she took the broom from behind the kitchen door and I followed her. Like a dam the burst the wall, I told my mother everything that happend to me in Mysore. Amma still had the broom in her hand, she came towards me.
“How dare you lie Nina” She started to hit me
“Do you know what that man has done for us?” Do you know if it wasn’t for him, I would have killed myself many years ago? You arrogant bitch, you still wear the bangles he bought for you and speak ill of a man who did so much for you?”
Maria must have heard Amma screaming and she ran to the kitchen. Amma must have told her what I said about him. because Maria too started to hit me.
“You liar, you are jealous that he gave me so much of stuff? How can you lie like this? Where did you learn to speak like this? My god Nina, how low can you sink?”
I don’t remember when they finished hitting me. After a certain period, it stopped paining. I went to my room and shut the door. That is when I noticed the bangle in my hand. I sat down on the ground and hit the ground with my arm. Most of the bangles broke, except two stubborn ones. I hit and hit, till they broke in to pieces. My hand was bleeding. But it didn’t hurt. I knew I would never wear a bangle ever in my life, my hands didn’t deserve bangles.

30 thoughts on “

  1. I don’t know whether i’m supposed to ask this question.But ‘is this your direct uncle…I mean amma’s own brother..??
    I still doubt,if its a stupid question..I tried reading many of your posts,and still couldn’t relate about it.

  2. I wish I could bring out some of hose horrible memories from my past. My uncle too did the same to me, hug, touch me, made me touch his private parts once when i was just 10. He said he will make my dad leave my mom if I told anyone. I used to avoid being near him and somehow it stopped as he could never get me alone. Then one day my pent up anger bursted and I told my mom, I dont know if she believed me. I never trusted men after that and was scared. Now I am married to a wonderful man but it has affected my intimate life. Though that man did not take full advantage of me (I dont know how else to put it), his touches, forcing me to touch his privates even though once makes me want to kill him , I am still so much angry … I can identify with you totally.

  3. Oh my god Sarah, my heart goes out to you dear. I hope you find all the happiness that you truly deserve atleast now. What did that bastard do?? I just hope it is not what I am thinking.

  4. My feeling is exactly as jithu mentioned GOSH.

    I can not believe after all that u went thru ur mom wouldn’t trust u.

    I think this is changing in India these days, parents are taking actions as opposed to kids are lying and lets not talk abt it.

  5. Sarah,
    your post made me cry, oh, girl what have you gone through in your life, I donno what to tell, i, as a child molested by my neighbour and my dad’s friend, though the worst never happened, but all those wicked touches, hugs, and rubbing/sqeezing breast things.. makes me go wild and irritated and brings me tears even now. Now i am happily married, but all those wicked, sickening memory haunts me, i could never share it with anyone and am going to live with this burden along with other rest of my life. God save me!
    I have that uncle (dont remember his name, but father of two girls (Subha gold, simi gold) and that ****er is from Nagerkoil.. i want to punish him desperately! He is an evil!

  6. did something happen really between the shower and u finding the sisters there on the step?? i hope just the dirty sneer was all….
    If he was your mothers brother, and in our kerala custom, blood is everything and blood relations matter most….mmm
    i have also had some strange “experiences” with a older uncle, but i guess i am not scared for life…being a boy also does not reduce this assault…

    well,well, good nina…u told your mum, that is all that u could do at that age, have no guilt, u’r mum should be held responsible….

  7. I know i’m not supposed to ask this when you are letting your sad feelings out. But you called him acha before so i thought of somethingelse now hez a uncle again. Whoever hez I couldn’t beleive that he did this. My heart goes out to you friend. I’m glad you are sharing it now with people and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

  8. are you sure you want to write all these, wont it create any havoc in your family, think again Nina. Cheer up girl, you are a definite winner.

  9. You were among a sea of strangers.Strangers who were your parents,your sister,and that dirty man..they were supposed to take care of you.What leaves me stunned is that your family seems to have been engulfed in some mass illusion…I don’t blame them.Most of the people around us are like that.

  10. Sarah,
    I can relate with u.. when I read this entry.. I really felt It is me..
    I had been assaulted by my uncle when I was 5. I can still remember exactly what happened at that time and even though I was very young I could still sense that something was wrong and always tried to avoid being alone with him.
    As I grew up the very thought of family get togethers and marriages scared me because I will have to face him. How much I hates him God only knows.. and I think nobody in my family would have believed me if I told them.. and still I carry the burden of his doings even though I am married and have a kid..
    Sarah there are people around u who have gone through some of the situations that u have gone thru..
    U r not alone..
    Writing this has given me some sort of peace.. I assume the same will be true for u as well..

  11. hmm.. it seems most of us go through at least a bit of molestations in childhood, whether it is a girl or boy. nevertheless, the stains left in the minds of girls are too strong and they itch for a long time.

    the most terrible thing here is that your family, instead of supporting you, stood against you.

    if you are still carrying this pain, you should throw it away some way. it is not worthy to carry it through your lifetime.

  12. I second all who said many are molested as children at an age when they dont know what it means. I sometimes feel the kids raised here in the west are blessed as they are atleast told what it means and who to tell….
    I hope you have put this issue to rest by venting out…

  13. that ba****d

    the irony of our society is such that no matter which family you were from they are always in denial of the truths their children speak of – theres some sense of security that by not believing it means nothing happened

    yet they spend years controlling who we speak to and what we do

    your mothers case was different – even on a good day she thrived on hurting u

  14. I appreciate ur courage sarah. i can guess the pain u took to write this post. i hope u feel free finally. i know u cannot wipe off these kind of incidents from ur mind completely but it will haunt u in a lesser degree once u tell it out. Again, i blame ur mother. i just cannot understand her. why was she like this.

    if this had happened to maria, would she have behaved the same way?


  15. Oh Nina, I’m too shocked to read this. I blame totally your mum (for not believing) and dad too (if he was around then this wud not have happened). it makes sense as to why he was pampering your mum and sis (so that they get on his side).

    I hope writing this has reduced the pain. You are so courageous to write about this openly. See the people who have gone through this are still commenting as anon on this post. I wud write as anon too if i had to gone thru something like this and had to talk about it. I also wanna say that we are your sisters, brothers and mum and dad that you neva had. we believe you. we wud have hugged yu at that time if we were there and we hug yu now.

    Remember we are living in a world with just ONE basic rule…sowing and reaping thru yur actions. He will definitely pay for this. the law of karma cannot be changed…

  16. It was the easy way out for them.. To take responsibility requires courage and commitment . To be in denial is rather easy thatz what your mother and sister were.. In denial.. They knew that it was not just them it included you too and this was not easy for them to take coz they lived in denial and your truth was too uncomfortable
    By hitting you they were trying to shake the truth away

  17. tastes like ugly bile, doesn’t it? the feeling of not being understood, the feeling of being deprived.
    it’s not the man.. such perverted maniacs are ten a plenty in the world.
    it’s the swelling anger – it’s the anger at the world that doesnt understand – i know how THAT feels.
    but the good part about the feeling is that it’s like a pressure cooker. Once you take the weight off, and decide youre going to throw it away for good, the pressure cant build back again.

    blowing your top off is quite an adviceable thing that way. 🙂 blow it off!

    ffffeeee feeeeee!

    i hope you’re feelin lighter right now. i would. 🙂

  18. I dint expect this. 🙁
    It sure is a cruel world. With all the education people have, no values at all. people like these are always seen in media, but when it happens to someone in real life, it is altogether a different matter.
    We have no one to turn to, we are black mailed and they live on our darkest and deepest fears.

    Nina, you did what you could. Till recently, i never belived that there were evil people in this world, but sure thye are. they might unfortunately be our near and dear ones. We are faced with a dilemma, because we are taught to respect our family.

    But, respecting a person like ‘this uncle’ wouldnt serve the purpose. Because he doesnt deserve it. And sadly, like many others, your mother and maria happened to fall prey to this man’s evil clutches. How easily money and riches change a person???

    I dont know how you had the courage to speak. But i admire you, nina, for becoming Sarah!!

    May God bless you!

  19. Sarah..By telling your story , you have healed many souls. there are many people out there who have had the same experiences as you. you are not alone. sometimes it helps to talk about it, in your case write. I am honored to know you Sarah. You were a brave little girl. Hugzzzzzzzzzs to you my friend.

  20. Madhavan Kuttty: the ghosts are finally free..

    Annitta: he and mother are first cousins. He is tante Ida’s brother.

    Jithu: !

    Anon: sending karma..

    Anon: !

    Thanu: for some people, family and the name is more important than the kids

    Anon: Sending karma

    ronnie: over the years, whenever I worked with kids who are abused, most learned ones would say, they never understand why the kids couldn’t talk to their own parents.. and I always told them..because they know, parents would never believe them..

    Anon: If you haven;t had a father when u needed him the most, then perhaps you wouldn’t understand, how an uncle can be a father(figure)

    Anon: you are suggesting that, I should still live with all these burdens?

    Sujit: Because her god could do no harm

    Maya: U said it right

    anon: sending karma

    rocksea: Child abuse is so prevalent in India(kerala especially) ..I hope those who read my blog will stop living in denial and do something for our children. we have a duty to protect those who can’t fight

    Shankari: I am at peace now

    Visithra: Thank you foe the links and for the support..

    Jay: My mother was plain selfish.. She had differnt priorities..

    Flyaway: Thank you

    Dumela: There were times I blamed my own stupidity.. What would have happend if I didn’t take a bath that day, I certainly wouldn’t have died
    I blame the water heater, that took too long to heat
    I blame my hearing.. If I had good hearing, I would have heard him speaking to my sisters, or atleast would have noticed that, there was no sound from my sisters outside.. Then there are times, I get sooooo mad at my mother for leaving me alone.. and for not believing me..

    Manini: Thank you for what you wrote.. I could now understand the viciousness of their beatings that day.. Thank you.. Atleast i found the reason

    toothless: Yes, finally I have been liberated from the shame

    Techno: Oh no.. he didn’t..not till now.. I am waiting each day

    Alex: He exploitted my vulnerablity.. I am guilty of my own vulnerability

    Starry: I can see that I am not alone.. How many innocent woman carry the scars of childhood abuse…

  21. Just thought I’d tell you that things are beginning to change slowly here too. There is a Sister Dolores here in Kottayam who worked alot with explaining to girls in schools and colleges about abuse from trusted people. At the school where my children studied too, there was an awareness of this and I knowe that many of the teachers there would be willing to listen if a child complained.
    But as for your mum & sister, it is as manini said, they just didn’t want to face upto it and kill the goose that laid the golden eggs!!

  22. Nina,

    I can understand your feelings. My friend experienced this in her life. it was not her uncle but cousin brother! In Kerala, girls will not open their hearts to their mothers. Still I can remember her face, and I was really angry to that person, we planned to kill him even. Her life spoiled, she got divorced. Still I am praying for her to get a good, understanding husband. Their family didn’t tried to understand her feelings.

    It is good that you are writing it off from your mind. May God give you more courage and peace these days.

    Do your mother and sister know that you have a blog?

  23. Nina,

    I can understand your feelings. My friend experienced this in her life. it was not her uncle but cousin brother! In Kerala, girls will not open their hearts to their mothers. Still I can remember her face, and I was really angry to that person, we planned to kill him even. Her life spoiled, she got divorced. Still I am praying for her to get a good, understanding husband. Their family didn’t tried to understand her feelings.

    It is good that you are writing it off from your mind. May God give you more courage and peace these days.

    Do your mother and sister know that you have a blog?

  24. Hello

    This is the 1st time I am leaving a comment – as I had to go back to your 1st post ever. He write so very well and I am so touched and moved by your story. I relate to this post as I was too was not once but twice in the same situation but the only diffence was my parents believed me!

    I certainly hope you are in a better place and a better life now.

    Please make this a book one day!

  25. From the day I read this post I had been itching to send a same pinch 😉 I was wondering if I should declare to the world that yes I had been sexually abused too, by my cousin who is much older to me. I have 2 little girls now and I have promised to myself to give them the power of knowledge (i knew nothing as to what was happening at that time other than that i did not like it) and make them trust me enough to turn to me when they need me. My amma would have trusted me. But I was worried that all this might hurt her. When I got married I told about it all to my husband. It is so nice to take the burden away by elling it to someone. You did a great thing, sarah! and I admire you for your courage and what u are now.

    Don’t punish yourself anymore for what some filthy person did to you…

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