Thief in my own home

“You will never do well in your life. I swear on that”. I was stunned to hear such a curse from Amma on the most important day in my life.
“Amma, please don’t curse me before I go”
“Don’t curse you? I curse the day you were born. You brought so much misery in to my family. I curse that you will get motta(zero marks) for your SSLC.(secondary school leaving certificate)”
I couldn’t beleive my ears. My own mother cursed me on the first day I joined 10th standard, All because I said I will not be able to drop and fetch my sisters from their school. 10 standard is very difficult and I wanted to concentrate on my studies. Amma didn’t want to fetch my sisters from school, if she had to fetch my sisters, then she would have to come home early.
As I left home on that rainy day I wondered if Amma’s curse would work? What would happen to me if I fail the 10th standard exam? I couldn’t even imagine the scenario. I had no choice but to do well. I, Nina Thomas have to show my mother, her curses don’t work. I was determined. So was my mother.

When I came back from school in the evening Amma was home with my sisters. I could smell from the gate that Amma was making ullivada (onion fritters). I was excited. I love to eat ullivada(onion fritters). Just as I entered the house, I heard Amma telling my sisters
“Eat fast and finish the food before Nina comes”
I stood near the door step, because I couldn’t move. I suddenly understood, all those times my sisters said Amma made food for them when I was at the church, they were not lying. I could feel something getting stuck in my throat. I didn’t understand how a mother can do such things. I thought of all the times she told me when I was little that she barter traded me with a kilo of rice at the market, because she felt sorry for me. I was sure I was an orphan. That is why Amma treats me like this. That is why nobody wanted me. That is why nobody loves me.
From the living room door, I could see Amma splitting each fritters and blowing it to cool down, so my sisters can eat it fast. I quietly walked to my haven. The only place where I was safe. I carefully placed my school bag on the floor and sat on top of it. I didn’t want my skirt to get stained with banana sap.
I imagined the day, I would find someone to love me, someone who would take me out of this house. I wanted so badly to be loved.
I must have sat there a long time. I could hear my sisters playing in the court yard. I quietly walked out of the thicket.
When I entered the house Amma was sitting at the dining table
“This isn’t an Inn, where you walk in and out, when you choose. There are rules to follow” Amma was speaking
I walked to my room
“I am speaking to you” I heard her telling me
I ignored her
“Come back here Nina Thomas”
I slammed my bedroom door. Amma can go to hell. I was sure of that.
I could hear Amma knocking at my door
“Open the door”
I didn’t bother.
Amma kept of banging the door. She forgot that I am as stubborn as her. I refused to open the door.
A little while later, I heard Amma shouting
“You can stay there. Don’t bother to come out to eat your dinner”
I didn’t bother to respond. I was a bit worried, if I didn’t have my dinner, anything would happen to my soul?. Appa never let us children go to bed without supper. He used to say, ‘your soul would curse you, if you go to bed hungry’. I wished my father was around. he would never let Amma treat me like this. All this is my fate. I couldn’t change it.
I wanted to study. Amma and my sisters were watching the TV program. But today the Tv was considerably more louder than usual. I knew Amma had increased the volume just to annoy me. I tried to read my books, but there was no way I could concentrate. I tried to figure out my options. There was only one way. I would sleep when I come back from school, and I will wake up, when everyone goes to bed. In that way I can study peacefully. I switched on the alarm for 12 midnight and went to bed. I was very hungry. I still had some left over food in my lunch box. I quietly opened my lunch box. It was already stale. I couldn’t eat it. I apologized to my soul for going to bed hungrily.
I woke up at 12 midnight. There was absolute stillness. I was scared. But I had to study. I switched on the light in my room and took my books to read. I was still hungry and my stomach waas growling. I quietly opened my room and checked on my mother. She was sleeping soundly. I went to the kitchen in the darkness. I was afraid to switch on the light, lest Amma see the light and come and fight with me. I checked all the pots and pans that were on the kitchen counter. There was no food. Amma had washed everything. I opened the fridge. There was old rice in the fridge. I couldn’t find any curry and I was really hungry. I took the rice container from the fridge and closed the fridge. I was too scared to take a plate or even to switch on the gas and warm the rice. I sat on the floor, opened the container and ate the freezing cold rice straight from the container. I was a thief in my own home.

15 thoughts on “Thief in my own home

  1. i still cannot fathom how a mother can do this to her own child….hugs to you, I feel horrible to hear this..Iam sorry you had to go through this, your children are lucky that they have you for a mom, for you will never want them to go through what you did.

  2. Hi Sarah
    Did you ever find out from ur mom why she did that to you ?? Why would a mother hate just one of her daughters ???? U were not a special child requiring additional attention !! They why why why would she do that ???? I hope she is reading ur blog and probably one day she will come to you for forgiveness !!

  3. Sarah..this post made me really were a thief in your own home. I just cannot understand how any mother could do this to her own child.I am at a loss for words. But time and again I have to say sarah..your determination and hard work payed off and you went on to become a doctor. You did not let this misery take over you.

  4. I too am really sad after reading this. You went through a lot. It is horrendous to show extreme partiality to ones kids, but sadly there are people who are like that.

    I want to share Kahlil Gibran’s words ON children with you.

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    I am pleased by your determination with which you went on to become successful in life, because you always had faith in yourself, though many times your emotions were stamped upon.
    Hugs to you!:(

  5. This is shocking…Why did your mother treat you differently from the rest? I am eager to know…I too come from a family of 3 girls and I am the middle stump. I too had thoughts like that attimes, when I was small that my mother favour my sisters over me as the elder one being the first child and the younger being the pet. But as I grew up I understood that it was just a misunderstanding…may be devil’s work to corrupt my mind..As I started thinking positively, I could slowly comeout of that..My mother has never shown any kind of discrimination like this in giving us food, clothes etc.. I used to get more scoldings as I was naughtier than the rest and my negative thoughts emerged out of that.

    But these kinds of incidents would have devastated you..I can imagine the pain that you went through…

    Why did your mother do that? Why??

  6. man this is crazy . i almost stopped reading your blog for a long time. Now when i attempt, you give this mother of all shock.

    fact is stranger than fiction. isn’t?

  7. Am I the only one, who had to go through all these? Aren’t there anyother suriani kristiani girls out there, who were treated the same way?

    Shankari: I would never treat my kids the same way. I have gone through enough.

    Thanu: Thank you.

    Revathy: I was special.. I was deaf and dumb and blind!

    Starry: there are so much damage. I still can’t eat food from the fridge. If my children ask for something. I make it right away( tht takes such a toll on my well being), because, I have the fear of them feeling deprived

    Perplexed kid: That line on the head.. u can’t do anything

    Rocksea: Am i alone?

    Sk: Thank you

    Alex: I hv the Gibrans saying abt children right infront of my pc. I have had it even before I had kids. I wanted to make sure, I would raise my kids the way gibran said, especially the part, they come through you, not from you..

    Ann: I don’t know. May be becuase I was fair and Maria was dark, may be because I looked like my dad and he was very much attched to me. My dad never played with Maria when she was little and Mother felt, there should be equal attention. Since my dad wass giving me all the attention, it is onlt fair that she gives all her love to Maria…. I don’t know

    Alex: Yes. Dad, Ammachi, Akkachi and Chakki called me Kochumaharani
    Maria called me DD( deaf and dumb)
    Mother, my younger sisters and my mother’s family members called me Nina

    Eswar: Truth is always harder

    Silverine: I go through the phases of worrying tht,if anything happend to mother, then I lost the opportunity to do something abt forgiving her… Some how mother knew, I have the guilty feeling.. So she would stretch and stretch me..till one day 4 years ago the elastic broke, and i never went back to her..

  8. You know Sarah, it is so difficult to blv your stories.Your stories completely shatter what I know of this World. Yet deep in my heart I know it is alll true….Please do come to florida and I would make onion fritters as much as you want…!

    – InjiPennu (I somehow cannot post comments after moving to blogger beta!)

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