The thing about a bad childhood is that, you ensure your children don’t have the same fate.
At least I tried
and failed so many times..

When I was about three of four yrs old, my parents left me with Ammachi at chengannur house.Staying with her was something I looked forward to. She with her million stories and plus the fact that I don’t have to watch my parents fight for few days. Pure Bliss.
But then one day Ammachi had to go somewhere and she left me with the maid. I don’t even remember her name. But I can see her vicious eyes to this day. Ammachi told her to take good care of me and left. I wasn’t really worried about staying alone without her. After all the maid was there.
From the veranda, you can watch Ammachi walking towards the bus stop through the coconut treesm you can see her white chatta and mundu. I watched her till I could see her no more.
Then the maid told me, she thinks she saw a tiger in the thicket and ran inside. I have never seen a tiger till then and with pounding heart, I too ran inaide the house. I wasn’t sure how big the tiger is, so I quickly closed the main door and started to call the maid. she didn’t answer my call. The house has too many windows and I knew, if I walked the tiger might see me through the windows. SO i crept down, went to the kitchen to look for the maid. There was no sign of her. The door leading to the outside from the kitchen was made of two sections. The bottom half was closed and I knew the tiger could jump inside from the open top half. But I was too scared to get up and close. Then I actually heard the tiger roaring. I wet my pants. I don’t know how long I stayed crouched under the table. Eventually she must have seen Ammachi coming back, she came inside and laughed her heart out seeing me sitting in a puddle of urine. She then asked me to clean up the mess before Ammachi came and scolded me!
I had promised then that one day when I have kids, I would never inflict this kind of pain on them.
I tried so hard.
It was easy in Malaysia. I had an Amah or could ask my next door neighbour to have an eye on the kids if I have to go outside to do errands.
It wasn’t so easy in Canada.
When I moved to Canada,initially, I didn’t have my own car and baby was just 3 yrs old. I had to carry her on my back every where I went. ( pushing a pram while it is raining even with a rain guard was tough, plus the fact that the school was uphill. I had to make three trips each day to the school. Drop Yaya in the morning, come back, then take toothless to school in the afternoon, come back and pick both of them in the evening. Each of these trips I carried baby on my back. Then the kids started playing indoor soccer and one particular day, it was very cold and was rqainign non stop. I was exhausted. I asked baby, if she would be ok, if I switch on the pokemon video and I will be back before the movie ends. She said fine. I usually tell my landlord if I go out leaving the kids alone and they have an eye on the kids. But that day they went to the gurudwara. Long story short, the movie got over quicker than I expected and my child got scared on her own and was crying. She could hardly breath when I returned home. Trust me, there are moments you hate yourself absolutely. it was one such moment.
I learned my lesson and ensured that I never left the kids alone..not even for an hour. As a single mother, that is the most difficult thing to do. I never went any where without the kids. Never.
Few days ago, I received a call at 2.30, asking me to come for an interview at 4.30. Interviewer aplogized for the short notice, but he was deployed to NZ after the quake and was leaving the next morning and it was the second interview and a govt job!
Most of you know how much I struggled to find a job and I didn’t want to lose this chance.
I picked the kids up from school, told them not to do anything till I come back. ( No cooking, not going outside. Just stay in the room. My son usually goes for bike riding and I told him he can go after I come back.
I called Yaya and told her to txt me when she reached home.
I rushed for the interview.
There was a mini storm and my house is in the middle of 5 acres of land and a three legged dog, sone how got in to our property and started running around. My son being the ever kind child that he is, knew if the dog went to the main road, it will be run over by a vehicle. So he came out of the house, and called out to the dog. someone driving on the main road saw my son calling out to the dog, thought it must be our dog, so he stopped the car and got the dog.
He found out that I left the kids alone at home unsupervised. An offence here
He called my children’s father and I suddenly became the most irresponsible mother on earth. It didn’t matter that in all these years I have only left baby alone at home once..
Things are settled now for the moment.. but the thing is..there is no escape for me. Everything I do will be judged.
And for the first time I am starting to think, perhaps the kids are better off with their father. He is rich and can afford three child minders. I am just a good for nothing mother.