‘Nina, Biju is looking at you’. Anju wrote in a piece of paper and passed it to me. We are not allowed to speak during the church service, so writing messages to each other is the only way.
I slowly looked over my song book and found Biju looking at me. I started to blush and I quickly looked down, so that he won’t see me blushing.
All I ever wanted in my life was someone to just love me and I was so happy, I finally found someone. Biju is a good student, comes from a good family, he has a wonderful mother. I dreamed of a life with Biju, I knew deep in my heart that his mother would consider me as a daughter. I would finally find the love of a mother, not a mother-in law. I was also sure that, there wouldn’t be any mother in law, daughter in law fights, As I intend to love Biju’s mother, like the way a mother should be loved. I wanted a mother, because I already have a mother in law at my house.
That day after the service, the priest announced the winner for the top SSLC* scorer at the church.
“This years winner is Ancymol” Priest announced
“Ancymol? Who is Ancymol? Isn’t your sister the top scorer?” I asked Anju
“No Nina, Ancymol scored 438 marks, 8 marks more than my sister”
“But who is this Ancymol? I have never seen her before at the church!”
“Her parents used to attend the service 5 years ago, now they attend the Pentecost church” Anju replied
“Then how come, she gets the award and not your sister?”
“Ancymol’s parents are still members of our church, so the committee decided to give her the award”
“That is so unfair Anju. Your sister attend the church every week and she should be given the award”
“I know, but there is nothing we can do, church committee is decision is final!” Anju was upset. So was I.

When I reached home, my heart was on fire. I was in love. I quickly went to my room and found a piece of paper. I wrote Biju and Nina at the bottom. I wanted to play the FLAME game. I struck out the common letter ‘i’ and counted the rest of the letters. There were total of 6 letters. First went the F of the FLAME, then went the A, then went the L. There was only the M and the E. E for enemy and M for Marriage. I prayed to Parumala Thirumeni(jacobite saint).
‘Please Parumal Thirumeni(jacobite saint), Don’t let me get the E. I want the M.’
I also said Mother Mary Novena and without even breathing I counted the the number 6 and E of the FLAME was out. I could feel myself floating in happiness. I got M for marriage. It certainly is a sign from God, that Biju and I will finally get married.
I blackened out the names on the paper and tore the piece of paper in to tiny bits. I didn’t want my mother to have a slightest idea about Biju.

I was dreaming about a happy life, husband and wife living peacefully, without fighting. I hoped Biju would like lots of children, I even dreamed of the suitable names for our children. I thought and thought and finally decided to name my kids after my favourite hero. I will name my son Pappu and the girl will be named Lakshmi. I wondered what everyone would say, If they know that I am naming my Christian children, Hindu names. I imagined Amma’s lips, curving and going to one side.
“Pappu? You name my grandson Pappu? How dare you? You will not call my grandson such stupid names”
I imagined Biju supporting me and standing up to my mother and telling her off.
“Amma, We will decide what name we give our children. Not you”
I didn’t want to imagine the rest of the scene. I was too scared.

Few weeks later, after the sunday service, I was standing with all the girls waiting for Achakuttichayan to start the choir practice.
“Nina, how is Biju?” Emily asked me
“How do I know?” I answered
“Liar!, everyone knows you and Biju are an ‘item'”
“No way. I don’t like him and I don’t even speak to him. So stop speaking nonsense”. I had to lie, if I ever said that I like Biju, then the news will spread like wildfire and Amma would know and I would be killed. I have to pretend that I hate Biju.
“Yeah Yeah. I always see you and Biju looking at each other, So please don’t lie”
“Aiyyah, Why should I look at that monkey? He looks so ugly anyway. There are better looking guys around.”
“Nina, Nina” I heard Anju calling me
“What?” I turned around and looked at her
“Come here” She called me
I walked to where she was standing
“What is it? Why are you calling me?”
“Biju’s mother wants to see you. She is waiting for you near the side door”
“What? Why?” My heart was beating too fast. Why does Biju’s mother want to see me?
“I don’t know, hurry up and go and and speak to her”
As I walked towards the side door, Achakuttichayan was walking inside. He was going to start the choir practice
“Nina, where are you going?” He asked me
“I will be back in a minute Achakuttichaya”
I quickly ran outside. Biju’s mother was standing outside. Biju was standing a little far away near the cassurina tree. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I was so scared
“Are you Nina?” she asked me
“Yes aunty”
“Don’t you have anything esle to do in life?” She asked me
“Huh?” I looked at her stunned
“Ain’t you ashamed of yourself? You are only 14 years old and you are going after boys already?”
“I am not going after any boys” I was mad at her
“Really, that is why everyone in the choir is speaking about you and my son. It takes two hands to clap. My son is going to do engineering. After that, he will follow my brother and go to America. I am not going to let him waste his life with a stupid, ugly girl like you. I have heard enough about your mother, so you are planning to follow her footstep eh? Ofcourse you can do what you want with your life. But leave my son alone. He has a bright future. Do you understand that? If I ever here another word about you and my son, I will come to your house and speak with your mother. Do you understand that?”
I didn’t bother to respond
She huffed and walked to where Biju was standing and together they walked out of the church.
I could hear the choir singing. But somehow I couldn’t walk back. I leaned on the door and I asked the God
“Why? Why do you do this to me? What have I done to you? Don’t I pray everyday? Don’t I observe the lent each year? Don’t I take care of my family? What more do you want me to do? I hate you God. I hate Jesus. I hate my life.
I walked out of the church slowly. I knew Achakuttichayan will scold me next saturday for skipping today’s practice. He can go to hell as well.
As I walked home, I only thought about revenge. Biju should have told his mother, it is he who was after me. I never went after him. I will teach him a lesson. I had almost reached the parade ground. I turened around and walked back towards the catholic church. It was hot and I was tired. I was determined.
When I reached the shrine of Mary in front of the BCM college, I stopped.
I climbed the steps and looked at mother Mary and I prayed
“I have often come to you like a daughter comes to her mother. You know what happend today. I was scolded and cursed for no fault of mine. I don’t mind being called stupid and ugly. But I am not like my mother. Mother Mary, you know that too. I want you to help me. I want Biju to fail his exams. If his mother thinks, her son is the smartest on earth, I want her to learn a lesson. Please mother Mary, please make Biju fail his exams”
I was happy. Extremely happy knowing that God and mother Mary will take vengeance on my behalf.
SSLC:Secondary school leaving certificate

Friend
Lover
Angry
Marry
Enemy