Dividing, dismantling, dismembering, desolating, detaching, dispossessing, destroying, and dominating.
These are the words that I can use to describe my mother.
I called her a few days ago, mostly because I know she has Parkinson’s and partly because I don’t want to call her during Christmas time and spoil my mood. A phone call in the beginning of December therefor can assuage my guilt.
It would have been a normal conversation as to how are you, bla bla . Yet this turned out to be the call I wished I hadn’t made.
As soon as I called, my mother mentioned that my younger sister is with her. I have not seen or spoken to my youngest sister for more than a decade. I didn’t respond to that comment as I didn’t see the need for. Then she passed the phone to my nephew whom I don’t even know his name or his age and she told him, it is your Kochamma. I was not prepared for this and I wasn’t sure how to deal with, so I kept quiet. I don’t feel like a Kochamma…. Fortunately the said nephew had other things to do and gave the phone back to Amma. Then she actually asked me “Do you want to speak to your sister?” I said “No, I don’t” and disconnected the line.
My entire life my mother has done all she can to ensure that we sisters fight with each other and I hate her need to act as a knight in shining armour to make us all a family again. She makes us fight and then she becomes the mediator with the white flag with the classic dialogue..” your father’s family members were like Karakka kkuru (never seen one, don’t know how they look.. apparently the seeds face opposite side inside the pod) You and your sisters have only each other, remember that always”
I never want to see my sisters or have anything to do with them ever. I have been on my own for so long. I don’t even remember my sisters on their birthday.. which is very unusual because I remember dates. We are sisters because we shared the same womb and that is it. I hate that my mother doesn’t get a simple fact that I have nothing to do with my sisters. I am done with them.
So, no more calls to my mother.
It is best to walk away and make peace with it. Never visit that decision again. It is easier said than done. But we have no control over what others do, only our actions. I have been to situations where my closest family members have caused severe pain to me, just to merely satisfy their ego. I have come to learn that people who truly love you, will never cause pain to you, even if they go through hell themselves. These so called family members are only there because they are related to you by blood or relationships. Always remember, love does not hurt, and if it hurts, it is not love.
Joan: good to see ur comment. The problem with the mother and daughter relationship is that.. There is a connection that you just can’t run away.. But the abuses makes it difficult to stay..
Sarah,
Having gone back and read every single one of your posts dating back to October, 2005, I’m well aware of your family situation. It’s very “disheartening” to say the least; so sad .
Paul
Paul : 🙁
I don’t why but this makes me sad..:(. I feel so sorry about what you have been through, and it’s pitiful your mom just tears you apart. But this is what happens with dysfunctional families. One side of my family is dysfunctional and we are all separated, but at least during holiday we push aside our issues with one another and just be a family.
But it is what it is.
J1206: we are dysfunctional. Period. We don’t attempt to get along during festive times or any other times..