To my parents

They say, one can never chose their parents..
It is so bloody true, cause if I ever had a choice, I would pick neither of you..
Both of you constantly chanted that your children meant the world to you, yet I have never seen anyone more self centered than either of you.
Appa, For the longest time, I wished I was a boy, so I could give you one tight slap. Just to pay you back for the years of misery you inflicted on us.
I haven’t forgotten the cries of the hen you hung upside down on the clothes line, just because it was dumb enough to shit on your shoes. The stupid hen was alive for 5 hours.. In the beginning it cried so much and then the sound became feeble and then it died. I was 3 years old. Did you really think that I will forget that? ( and it was a big puzzle for you, why I never eat meat!)
I haven’t forgotten how you hit, kicked and punched my mother for every little thing.
I haven’t forgotten anything.
Yet, I chose to forgive you each and every time.Because you are my father..but I want you to know that at no time I have forgotten a thing that you have done. You made me an insecure woman. The one who hates to make friends ( because I hated to cover up for you. It was much easier if I didn’t have any friends, then no one knew about you.)

Amma, You should have never had children. You are a conniving, vengeful, calculative woman. I have often wondered, why is that a million woman who would make the best mother’s in the world were never given children, yet a monster like you was blessed 4 times?
You played the divide and rule so well. You turned the 4 of us against each other, so you could be in perfect control.
I haven’t forgotten how you hid food from chechy. You tried the same stunt to me, but unlike chechy, I knew to cook. But the dramas you played in front of others..You were the epitome of caring and kind mother..you were really a class act.
I haven’t forgotten your cruelty..some of the things you have done are too traumatising to even write here.

Few weeks ago, I was asked if I was sure that I was my father’s child. The thing is, I don’t know.
No one should have the right to ask a child who his or her father is..If it happened, then the parents must take full and total responsibility for their actions. If it wasn’t for either of you, I would have never been asked that question. I hate you both absolutely. ( even at the age of forty, I still pay for your sins)

7 thoughts on “To my parents

  1. I'm sorry you've had such a rough past, but I'm sure you've found people to love and be loved by. I think the only way to move on is to think about those who never had a chance to love, and died before they found someone who would show them that affection. At least now you have the chance to break that awful cycle and teach your family to love. 🙂

  2. Sarah – i know none of us have walked even an inch of what you have gone through. i hope you can put some closure to your past. You seem to have a lot of people in your life that are still causing you grief and bringing up old wounds. Maybe it is time to just cut-off ties with them and really move on. No-one has done what you have, travelling the world with your kids, yet as far away as you get, you still seem to be drawn back to pain, like a moth to fire. I hope someday you will be able to rest on your laurels as the mother of three happy and well-balanced children. Please seek help in talking out these issues with a professional counselor, they may advise it too, but it seems to me that you need to cut out the negativity and negative characters in your life and refrain from dwelling int he past. Move forward to a better and brighter future.

  3. Hi Sarah,
    I have been reading u on and off for the last few months. Havent read from the beginning, but just some posts… Dont remember how I reached here. I think you are delightful and fun and would have been playing scrabble with u, if only you were on android.
    Reading some posts, I had an inkling abt the difficult past. This post compelled me to comment. Cant be presumptuous and offer any advice. I only wish & pray for peace for u and that your children turn out to be compassionate & well-balanced adults (they already seem to be on their way).
    I wish I could be of help in some way.

  4. Dear Sarah, I have been reading you for so long..you are a wonderful woman and a real mother.. I can identify myself so much with some of your past and some of your traits that sometimes it is so uncanny.. you are the best.. and I am proud of you. Since I can empathise so much with you all i wish for you is happiness and peace and love always.. take care
    http://soulsearchingdays.blogspot.com/

  5. Sometimes our painful pasts are needed to mould us into the perfect person that we are today..And I know that you are a careful,loving and thoughtful mom because you know the pain of neglect..It's the same with me! The difference between us and animals is that, God has bestowed us with the power of CHOICE! We are what we choose to be..What do I do to forget bad people? I cut ties..Its the easiest and the best remedy! Now its your small world..Your children and your husband…Noone else DARE step into that precious circle..!!Protect it fiercely..Dont even let your thoughts wander back to the past!!

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