The Clock

Ah the clock!
I was always fascinated with clocks.
My cousin owned the original Black forest Cuckoo clock. As a child I spend many hours standing in front of that cuckoo clock waiting for that tiny nest door to open and for the bird to come out and chirp the time.
As a child I always had the time.

Time in transition.

I always thought life is nothing but the Riddle of the Sphinx*.
Everyone goes through the same thing.
The same stages Shakespeare described. ( All the world’s a stage)
As I go through the seven stages, I also wanted to achieve few things.
I wanted to get more marks than Chechy for the 10th exam.
I wanted to do Medicine.
I wanted to be a mother.
I wanted to travel.
I ticked Yes, Yes, Yes to all my dreams and I smiled happily as I achieved each of those dreams.

No regrets, I told myself. (It is not that I don’t have any regrets. I simply considered those regrets as bonuses for those lessons life teaches you)

I live my life just the way I want to. I told myself.

Everything was fine, at least I thought everything was fine till I turned 39.
Out of nowhere the clock came ticking.
The clock is telling me something I am well aware of. That I am 39 and time is running OUT.
All these years I was pretty sure that I won’t hear the clock ticking.
I shouldn’t.
I have three lovely kids.
Still I hear it and it makes me feel something I thought I would never feel.
I long to hold a little baby in my arms. A brother for Toothless, may be a sister for Yaya and Baby.
My medical training tells me that chances of Trisomy increases as the age of the mother increases.
A part of me wants to argue and say that is total BS. My mother had my youngest sister when she was 44.

Then I think how selfish I am.
How dare do I even wish to have a child knowing the risks?
Why can’t I be grateful for what I have?
There are millions of women who are desperate to have a child and you have THREE! and you are feeling miserable because you are 39 and it is too late to have another child!

Still the clock is ticking and there is nothing I can do to make it stop.

I know what I am going through right now is just another stage in my life. I know I will be fine sooner or later.
But right now this is how I feel…..

*Riddle of the Sphinx
Which creature has four legs in in the morning, two legs at mid day, and three in the evening, and the more legs it has, the weaker it is.

8 thoughts on “The Clock

  1. Hi Sarah

    We are all still anxiously awaiting to hear who the father of your kids are – i guess he is still around if u still feel like adding to your family.


  2. Reena: I dream of Owning a , Quattroporte sports GTS ( Maserati). Imagine driving a car with 440HP engine..Going by your logic, I can only dream of it if I have the money to buy it in the bank!!!
    Dreams are free, always been..always will be.

    Nikhil: There was a Mrinalini..I just can’t remember her surname.

    Coming from a Malayalam medium background, I depended on the DD news readers for the correct pronounciation of English words and I think of them ( fondly) once in a while..
    Only recently I learned that Bhaskar Bhattacharjee passed away in 2000. he had such good diction..He was my hero!

  3. I had no idea that Bhaskar Battacharya passed away. Read sometime back that Tejeswar singh died of a heart attack… I haven’t watched DD for years now, but can still remember Sunday mornings waiting for Star Trek, Sherlock Holmes and disney cartoons 🙂

    Racked my brains for Mrinalini’s surname. Think it was Singh. Your question brought back a lot of memories:-)

    BTW, why don’t you post anything on your food blog nowadays? Incidentally, that is how I found your blog, googling for an orappam recipe.

  4. Nikhil: Talking about Sunday Morning programs.. do you remember there was an English program that had kids, dolphins and a bay!!! I was in the 8th std, so it must have been in 83, 84..
    I wasn’t fond of star tek.. so never watched it..But the English News.. I never missed it.

    My recipe blog.. just that I am lazy and am horrible when it comes to time management.. Now that baby attends full day school, I thought I would have more time..It is the other way round…

Leave a Reply to Nikhil Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *