Sometime ago Gautham asked me if I consider myself to be an Indian or Malaysian( something to that effect) and I remember responding
“Always, always a Malaysian”.

I had often wondered why I feel that way when I spend half of my life in India and it made no sense to me that I am more attached to Malaysia.

I finally found the answer. It is not India that I hate..
It is the total helplessness I feel when it comes to me visiting India that I hate.
I have no home to go back to..
I have to rely on my cousins who most often are angry with my mother for a place to stay.

Whereas I have a home in Malaysia. I don’t have to depend on anyone when I want to go back. I can drive from Penang to Singapore and never have to worry about anything.

I spoke to my mother last week and told her that I am coming to India. Her first question was
“Where do you plan to stay?”
It was of course the most sensible question anyone could ask.
But I hated Amma for asking me that question. I expected her to help me find a place to stay.
I also felt If she played her cards well, I would never have been homeless. Her husband is the only son of my grandmother and we would have still had the Chengannur house..( I know how my father treated my mother..but still I can’t help feeling this way)
I also wanted her to say,
“Nina, that would be nice, I haven’t seen you or my grandchildren for so long”
Instead she asked me “when are you coming?”
I told her on the 29th and she told me that she is leaving on the 27th and has no intention to cancel her ticket.
It didn’t matter that her grandson’s birthday is on 30th.. It didn’t matter that she hasn’t seen her grandchildren for years, it didn’t matter that her grandchildren wants to see her..It didn’t matter that I am travelling with three kids and I have not been to Kerala for so long and have no clue where to look for things or places to stay.

For years I have tried to tell myself that I shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.. but sometimes I do.. and I know it only brings me more misery..

I don’t know where I am going to stay.. but this time I intend to show my kids Kerala..

Yaya wants to ride on an Elephant, visit the temples in Kerala and go to Delhi and visit Taj Mahal
Toothless wants to trek Kulu – Manali
Baby wants to do whatever chachan and chechy are doing.
Mama wants to show the kids all the places that she holds dear in her heart..

I am leaving for India end of this week and I should be back end of April.. I will update the blog in May..
If you guys see a crazy mama with three kids, do say hi..
See you all soon.

Sarah