You would have turned 16 yesterday..
Sweet 16..
I wondered how you would have looked and I  imagined Yaya as a 16 year old..Taller version of Yaya..
When they told me I was pregnant, I remember thinking if you would have your father’s hazel eyes ! I imagined  pudgy arms and thighs..tiny fingers..hazel eyes..

The boots Pharmacy was next to Uni library and each evening as I walked back home, I would stop by the fish chips shop next to boots, buy the mushy peas, douse it with Henderson’s relish and eat it quickly and then enter the boots Pharmacy to look at all the baby stuff they had for sale.Little cups, tiny nail cutters..baby brush..there were so many things I wanted to buy for you..I had already started saving up money, so I could buy you all the things when you arrived!
I had also spoken to your great grandmother and asked her to stitch baby dresses for you out of voile.. I didn’t trust my mother to make your dresses..knowing her, she would have cut corners, bought the cheapest/damaged fabric that was on sale, wouldn’t have used silk threads to sew..but I knew I could trust my grandmother to make your dresses properly..You were my baby and you deserved the best.

When I lost you, I started to take the long and winding walk back home…because I couldn’t bring myself to walk in front of boots pharmacy again.. It felt I was betraying you somehow..and I was angry with everyone.. even the guy at the fish shop who always served me a large portion of the mushy peas. Could he have added some chemicals to the mushy peas? Did my cravings for mushy peas harmed you? Or was it the Henderson’s relish? Did my my phone call to my grandmother jinxed everything? Was I wrong trying to prepare everything in advance?

You know what is even more hard? Because you never got a chance to be born..some how me carrying you all those months doesn’t exist.. I am only a mother of three kids. I am not supposed to grieve for the one I lost because somehow having three  kids should compensate losing you.
I am your mother.. just as I am your sibling’s mother. One doesn’t stop being a mother when one doesn’t get to hold her baby ever..
There is nothing tangible to remember you.. but you will always be my baby..you will always live in my memories.