there it is..

I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.”   
Rimbaud.

I am hoping that unlike yesterday, I will be able to write what I was hoping to write.

After I lost my baby, I didn’t really want to see anyone, let alone talk to anyone. The doctor’s wife came to my flat and told me that the tulips were in full bloom at her house..a sight not to be missed.. and asked if I would like to come over for tea..
Like me, she loved Earl grey tea..and to make the pounds stretch a bit.. would use one premium earl grey tea bag and two tetley when she made tea for two. ( the old formula when you make a pot of tea, One tea bag for the the pot and one for each person).
I still follow the formula.still make tea for two, though there is no one  to share the extra cup..somehow one earl grey and one tetley doesn’t taste the same..

One question that bothered me so much..over and over..after I lost the baby was “Why me?”
I have never harmed anyone..not even animals..and all I wanted was a baby..my own baby..someone I could love and cherish..my flesh and blood..someone I could say mine..( selfish, I know..)

She told me about losing her 3rd baby..on a Christmas eve..how everyone and everything in the hospital was full of cheer.. all those decorations.. all those greetings..and laying down in the bed..trying to comprehend what is going on..wanting to go back home..not because she wanted to grieve at home..but because she was worried..what will the older two children do..it is Christmas.. she needs to be home to celebrate Christmas..her children deserve that..
I remember her telling me.. the one thing that she hated the most was the comforting words uttered by the kind and loving nurse..” You already have two children” somehow, one must not grieve the loss of a child, if one already has other living children.. the grief is ungrateful.
and in my case I didn’t have any other children and so I asked her
“Why me?”
And she looked at me and asked..in a very calm and gentle way
“Why not you?”
My first reaction was to bop her..
How dare she? Only I know what I have gone through..I just lost my baby and she is asking me why not you?
I had a million reasons I could give that answered her question.. so I thought..
and I tried to think of the million reasons..
On the drive back to my flat..in her tiny old car..I kept thinking of a proper, correct answer to her question “why not you?”
At my flat, I carefully arranged the tulips she gave me in a glass of water..I kept it on the window sill..
I stood there..by the side of the window.. the same window, weeks earlier I thought of jumping out..

I desperately wanted an answer to why not you?
The truth is, I didn’t have an answer then.. I don’t have now..There were so many times, I wanted to ask Why me? since then..but the voice in the head always over ride..and it has always been why not me.
I do not have everything most have, most take it for granted…..
in my silence..there are words that speak..  in my grief.. I can make the words dance..
and that is good enough..
and perhaps..one day I will not have to waste a cup of tea every morning..
Perhaps..it may not happen.. but who am I to judge and grieve over a cup of tea?

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