I had a very fretful sleep. I kept seeing Mariamma’s smiling face each time I tired to close my eyes. I so very badly wanted to sleep. But I couldn’t.
Since I couldn’t sleep , I thought I would get up and read something. I checked the clock. It was 1.30 Am. I didn’t want to switch on the light and disturb my roommates. I closed my eyes again and tried to count the sheep.
Flock of sheep
Herd of sheep
Pack of sheep
Trip of sheep
Drove of sheep.
There was one more word to describe a flock of sheep. I tried and tried to remember. But I couldn’t.
Counting sheep wasn’t a smart idea. I realized that a tad too late. Now I was even more restless. I hated it so much when I can’t remember something so simple.
I had to think of something else.
I thought about Arjun.
I knew I shouldn’t feel happy thinking about a jerk like him.
Actually I shouldn’t even think about him. I scolded myself for even trying to think about him. But there was something about him that was calming. I knew for sure he was so wrong for me and I knew I should be angry with him for the way he was treating me.
But my heart had totally different ideas. At that moment, if it wasn’t the middle of the night and if the hostel door wasn’t locked, I knew I would have been in Arjun’s arms. I wanted to be in his arms.
I shook my head hoping I can shake off the feelings.
I was screwed. I knew it and did nothing about it.

I woke up listening to MS singing Suprabatham. I was beginning to get bored with the song. I had been listening to the same song every morning since 1st MBBS.
There should be a law that protects people from being forced to listen to the same song every single morning. I thought.
I pulled my blanket over my face hoping I can block the sound. The thing with being partially deaf is, your hearing is acutely sensitive. The more I tried to block the song, the more I heard.I knew it was futile trying not to hear. I was so angry.
I was angry with my insensitive roommate who thinks nothing of playing the same song over and over. But more than anything, I didn’t want Lord Venketachala to have an auspicious morning.
Why should he have an auspicious day when a family is dealing with the loss of a loved one?
Why should he, when I am grieving?
“Hey, Nina Aren’t you going for the clinics?” Aparna shook my legs trying to wake me up.
I pulled the blanket off my face.
“No, I am not feeling well” I lied.
I wasn’t sick because of illness. I was sick of not being able to control anything in my life. I hated to be the puppet of some unknown force that decides everything for me and I simply have to follow whether I like it or not.
“Do you have a fever?” Aparna walked towards me and felt my forehead.
“Nah, I have a migraine”
“oh, Do you want me to bring breakfast for you from the mess?” Aparna asked
“No Aparna. Don’t worry about me. I just need to sleep it off and I will be fine”
“What about the door?” She asked
Usually I get Aparna to lock the door from outside whenever I bunk classes, so in the event Princy decides to do a spot check, I don’t get caught.
“Nah, Don’t bother. I want to go to the library later.”
“Ok, Bye”

Aparna was talking to Shylaja and I saw them leaving the room.
Two roommates.
Two individuals from two different worlds. One cared for others and the other one cared for herself.
I remembered Gibran’s Pearl story.

Then I remembered Ammachi telling me about finding my own pearl. Arjun wasn’t my pearl and I was tired of looking. I was going to settle for the fake pearl. I took a deep breath and realized I was really coming down with a migraine. I pulled the blanket over my face hoping to block off the light and the sound. Just as I was closing the door of happiness in my own life.

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