By the time I handed the specimen to Dr. Rajesh, I was having a splitting head ache. All I wanted was to lay down on my bed and sleep. May be this is all a nightmare. May be everything will be fine when I wake up. My head felt like it was going to explode. I just wanted to hide under my blanket. I walked quickly to my room. My room door was wide open and I saw Anitha and Aparna arranging bread and biscuits on the table. Two bottles of orange rasna was also on the table
“Oh Hi Nina, you are right on time, we are having a prayer meeting. Can you read the bible? I am thinking of starting the session with a reading of psalm 23”
“What?”
“See, I told you right? she always asks what, when you tell her something” Aparna was mocking me and talking to Anitha.
May be it was her attitude, may be because I had a head ache, I don’t know what made me so mad
“Listen, I have a splitting head ache, I need to sleep. If you want to conduct a prayer session, do it in your room” I yelled at Anitha
“But this is my room” Aparna spoke
“Also mine” I was ready for the battle
“I can do what I want in my room” Aparna spoke
“So can I”
“Aparna Don’t fight, we can always use my room” Anitha tried to pull Aparna away
“You know something Nina, you are the most selfish person I have ever seen in my life. Do you know nobody likes you here”
“I know, so? You think my world collapses because nobody likes me? You think I need your opinion for my survival?”
“You are a bitch of the first degree” Aparna yelled
I ignored her. I know I am not selfish. In fact I took care of her when she had jaundice, even Shailaja didn’t bother that time.
I went to lay down on my bed. I pulled the blanket over my face, hoping I can block the light, the sound and Kevin’s face.
I could hear Anitha convincing Aparna that they can have the prayer session in her room. I heard them taking the food and leaving. Aparna didn’t even bother to close the door. I could feel the light coming through my blanket from the door way. I got up and closed the door and went back to lay down.
More I tried to shut my eyes and hoped to erase the image, the more the image started to become clearer. I could even see his tiny eyes and I felt his eyes were asking me to save him, begging me to help him. I wondered what would have happened if I had grabbed the baby from the sink and ran to the Paeds? What would Dr. Nandita have done? At the back of my head the sensible Nina kept telling me, come on Nina, you know pre term babies have no chance of survival, their lungs aren’t matured to breath on their own. But the other Nina, the one who got to hold Kevin before and after kept asking What if? Miracles happen don’t they? I felt I was going crazy. I knew I needed to talk to someone. But who?
I wish I was still a little girl. Every time I fell down and hurt myself, I used to run to my father, who would then make me sit on his lap and while waving his hands in the air, he would chant the magic manthra
“kudu kudu manthram
kukkudu manthram
chunnambu manthram
porukkumbam
porukkumbam
potteyy”
(this was my father’s most famous cure for all aches and pains. It was better than neosporin, Although the chant has no real meaning, the way he said it, his hand movements and the way he tried to pluck the pain out is something that I remember to this day)
I wished I could still be my father’s little girl. I wished I never grew up. I regretted all those times I wished time flew fast, so I could leave home. I wished I never thought that the grass was greener on the other side.

I heard someone knocking on the door. May be it was one of the prayer meeting invitee. Aparna and Anitha should have ensured that they informed everyone about the change of venue. It isn’t my job to direct people to the new venue. I tried to ignore the knocking. But it was persistent. I was so mad, I got up from my bed and opened the door about to scream at the idiot who didn’t give up knocking my door. If anyone had that thing called common sense, then they would know, if someone doesn’t open the door after the first few knocks, then it is simple that they don’t want to.
I looked at the junior girl standing in front of my room. Before I could open my mouth she started to speak
“I am sorry madam, but someone wants to see you at the canteen. He asked me to pass the message to you”
“Who?”
“I don’t know madam”
“Why you don’t know” I was getting angry with her. Juniors are required to pass on clear and complete information
“I am sorry madam, I don’t know his name. He is a senior”
Senior? there were only two seniors that would send a message asking me to come to the canteen.
“Is he tall?” I asked
“Yes Madam”
“has he got a lot of body hair? you know like an ape man?”
“No madam”
“Is he handsome?”
“Yes madam” She was blushing. I thought of telling her come on, you don’t have to blush because you admitted a guy is handsome
“Ok Thanks”
I watched her running towards her friends, relieved that her senior didn’t scold her or ask her to do some chores.
My head was still hurting, but my heart was dancing with joy, because I knew who would be calling me. I quickly changed my clothes and walked to the canteen. I wanted to tell him about Kevin. May be he would understand my pain.
I checked for the bike and it was there. I could hear someone singing in the canteen and I knew who would it be. I walked in to the canteen and looked around.
He was sitting on the table and playing his guitar. Caroline was sitting on the chair. He saw me walking in and our eyes met. I watched Caroline saying something to him and both of them started to laugh.
Are they laughing at me? I felt so mad. Is it why he send me a message so he can laugh at me?
“Hi Nina, Gosh, you took such a long time to come. I was just about to leave” Arjun was walking towards me.
“You are the one who send the message through the junior?”
“Yes, listen I have a pair of tickets for the Rock Machine concert tomorrow. You want to come?
From where I stood, I could see beautiful eyes were looking at me. He could hear What Arjun was saying.
Two of us can play the same game.
I gave the best smile I can and spoke to Arjun
“Sure, I would love to. What time is it?”
“7 pm tomorrow. We can leave around 5, have some grub at the ‘corner house’ before attending the concert”
“That would be excellent. Arjun, are you in a hurry?”
“No, why?”
“I need to talk to you”
“Sure, do you want to sit here and talk or you want to go out?”
“We will sit here” I grabbed the chair right across from beautiful eyes’s table. We were facing each other.
“What do you want to drink?” Arjun asked
” tea please”
Arjun placed the order and came back to our table
“So what do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know how to explain, I saw someone dying today”
“So?”
“I can’t take the image off from my mind”
“Come on Nina, people die, that is normal, we can’t cure everyone can we? You have to move on”
“You are right” I knew there is no point in trying to explain to my good friend that I can’t move on.
The person who would have understood was sitting just 6 feet away from me, holding another woman’s hand. But that is destiny.

I remembered my father while I typed today’s blog, I remembered the songs we used to listen and this song brought so much good memories especially because both of us didn’t know the lyrics and Amma used to say we are singing “potta pattu”

this one by Indus creed( formerly known as Rock machine) released in 1993 was my favourite.