Fear was knowing that any man out there could be a hired killer. Every country had laws to protect its citizens. But what would you do if you need protection from those who are supposed to protect you? Where would you hide?
I was afraid to die. Not because I was afraid of my visa to heaven or hell. But because I was afraid of being tortured before they kill me. I have heard stories from the devil himself that once the nails are pulled slowly one by one from the nail bed using a simple pliers, no sane person would want to live another second and that is the moment of ultimate satisfaction. Satisfaction gained from prolonging the misery and desperation and pain of another human being.
I looked around the bus. No one appeared to look like an assassin. But then again I didn’t know how an assassin looked like. I looked at my sister, who was sleeping in my lap. She looked so peaceful. Why can’t she understand that there is no such thing called free lunch? If someone buys you expensive things, then they expect something else in return! You don’t need to be an Einstein to know that. I remembered the first time I saw Liza. Tante Ida took me to the hospital telling me that I have a present at the hospital. I was so excited that day, because I really wanted a new doll, like my best friend Siti had. A doll with blue eyes that open and shut when you move the doll. I was planning to take my new doll and go to Siti’s house. We would have a pretend tea party with our dolls!

Amma was lying down in the bed and I wondered why was she wearing a sarong and my dad’s shirt? My mother looked really funny in that outfit.
“Where is my present?” I asked Amma
“What present?” She looked at me annoyed
“Shhh!” Tante Ida hushed Amma.
“Come here Nina, I will show you your present” I walked to where Tante Ida was standing. There was a small cot by the side of Amma’s bed. I looked inside. There was a baby with wrinkled skin, hair stuck to the scalp and a flat nose. It didn’t look anything like the doll Siti had. It was one heck of an ugly doll wrapped in a white blanket. I was so disappointed.
“Nina, you are a big sister now. You have to take care of your baby sister. You can’t be like Maria. You must try to be a really good big sister” Tante Ida spoke to me
I was so happy to know that Tante Ida thought I was better than Maria and I wanted to be the really good big sister.
“Do you want to hold the baby?” Tante Ida asked.
I heard Amma saying “Ida no. She will drop the baby. Don’t give the baby to her”
I looked at Amma. I was so mad at her. Why does she think that I would drop my baby sister?
Fortunately Tante Ida didn’t listen to Amma. She asked me to sit on the chair by the side of Amma’s bed and placed the baby on my lap. I tried to sit as still as possible. I hoped my bony knees won’t poke the baby.
I wanted to be the world’s best big sister and I wanted Amma to see that I am capable of taking care of my baby sister. But as soon as Tante ida placed the baby on my lap, the baby started to cry and I didn’t know what to do. I remember I touched the baby’s soft cheeks and her forehead hoping she would stop crying. I was so disappointed that my big sister touch didn’t stop the baby from crying and Tante ida took the baby from my lap and held her close to her. She started to sing a lullaby. She sang
Rock a bye baby
in the tree top
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
And down will come baby
cradle and all.

That was the first lullaby I ever heard and since that day, I had sung that lullaby so many times. I sung it for Liza and then for Sally.

I looked at my sister and gently touched her forehead. She still had soft skin!
I knew till now I have never failed in being the good big sister. I am not going to fail now! Only then I noticed my finger nails. I figured if I can bite of most of the nail, then it would be difficult for anyone to use a pliers and pull it out. I looked around the bus, I was a bit embarrassed to bite my nails in front of everyone. But fear was such that, it makes you do silly things and I bit my finger nails almost to the skin. By the time I finished biting all the nails, the edge where the nail ends were almost bleeding and it was hurting. Still I knew this was far better than losing the whole nail!
When the bus reached Bangalore, I was getting more afraid. Somehow I felt if I could reach my hostel in one piece, then perhaps I would be safer.
“Come on Liza hurry up” I started to pull my sister’s hand
“Oh Nina, stop running like a mad woman. Can we please go to Kamat and eat dosai? I haven’t eaten dosai for a long time”
“Not now, I will take you some other time. I want to go back to my hostel”
“Please Nina, I really want to eat some dosai. They don’t make dosai in the hostel. I even miss Amma’s over fermented super sour dosai!!”
I looked at my sister. If she was missing my mother’s super sour dosai, then it meant only one thing. That she is really craving for dosai. They do make dosai in my hostel. But Liza would have to wait till Saturday. I thought if I didn’t buy dosai for her, then who else would buy?
“Come, We will go to Kamat restaurant”
At the restaurant I ordered 2 ghee dosais. Only when I started to dip my dosai in the sambar and when the curry touched my finger tips, did I realize how painful my nails were. The spicy curry was burning the raw edges near the nail. If it was hurting this much now what would happen if I lost the whole nails? I was so afraid. Should I call my uncle and apologize for being so rude? But then he would know how to get at me each time, wouldn’t he? I couldn’t let that happen. But I knew If I ever regretted one thing that I did in my life, it was picking up the phone to talk to my uncle. I should have just put the phone down when I heard his voice. Why did I talk so much?
When the waiter brought the bill and saunf, Liza and I both reached for the saunf. At Kamat restaurant they serve sugar coated saunf. I grabbed the bowl first.
“Hey it is my saunf” Liza shouted
“Nope it is mine. I am paying the bill”
“Not fair Nina”
“Too bad Liza”
“You are a mean sister”
“That is why I bought you to eat dosai!!”
“But you are not sharing the saunf “
“Ok la. Here take” I passed the bowl to Liza
“You still haven’t forgotten the la eh?” Liza asked
“No la. I want to go back to Malaysia.”
“Why? why do you want to go back to that god forsaken place?”
“Don’t know Liza. I like Malaysia. I guess that is where my Shangri- la is”
“What Shangri La? The hotel?”
“Never mind. You won’t know. You need to read books to know all these!”
“Books are boring”
“Of course”

My sister became an instant celebrity at the college. First of all, she was taller than me, secondly she was prettier than me. So I couldn’t say that I wasn’t surprised.
All the malayalee seniors including Jomon were vying for her attention. Some of them bought her teddy bears, some got her books to read and they were even arguing with each other as to what would be the best treatment for someone whose arm was already in a plaster cast.
I did feel a tinge of jealousy. I have never had anyone buy me a teddy bear and my younger sister who just came to my hostel for a visit already got 3 teddy bears. Then I remembered what my sister called me when I was in Chikmagalur. I quickly turned the jealousy knob in my head off. I didn’t want to be a jealousy pig.

Friday after the anatomy dissection class I walked straight to the hostel instead of going to the canteen and eat egg bhaji. I knew my sister would be bored sitting in my room all day. May be I will take her to the canteen and buy egg bhaji for her. I opened my door and was just about to close it when Anitha came barging in. This barging in to the room without any warning was becoming a habit to her. I don’t know why she can’t knock. I was just about to tell her off
“Oh Nina, how many times I called your name. I was calling you from the canteen. Why did you not come?”
“Sorry Anitha I didn’t hear you calling me” I replied
“Don’t you know Nina is deaf?” Liza asked. I tried to wink at her, so she would just shut up
“What deaf?” Anitha asked
“She didn’t tell you?” Liza looked at me. I was sure she could see the pleading in my eyes. Please Liza, don’t tell anyone that I am deaf. I begged with my eyes.
“No, what do you mean?” Anitha asked again. More curious this time.
“Nina is completely deaf in her right ear” Liza spoke
“Really” Anitha sounded too happy to know such a great news
“oh yes she is! She is also a little bit deaf in the left ear. She lip reads when you speak, No Nina?” Liza looked at me.
I wanted to kill my sister. All I wanted in my life was to be normal like everyone. There was nothing normal in my life. My mother has been having an affair with my uncle. The same man has now taken my oldest sister. My father has a second wife and now everyone in my college would know that I am not only dumb, but deaf also.
“You know Anitha Chechy, we never thought Nina would become a doctor. Who would have thought someone who studied in Malayalam medium can do medicine in English?” Liza spoke again