I thought of my Ammachi, who wasted her life, just so that my father would have a better life. She could have remarried, she didn’t, just so that my father wouldn’t lose his inheritance. I thought of my great grand father. How could he decide on his own that my father would lose his inheritance, if my grandmother remarries? What is wrong with all these people? Why do they treat women like this? Why did Ammachi agree to all this nonsense? Why couldn’t she just walk off, find a man and marry him? Why didn’t Ammachi’s parents take her back home?
Who was it that decided what pawn Ammachi should be in the game of life?

And me? What do I do? I am yet to live my life. I felt I am standing in the middle of a two way. One road takes me to everything that I ever dared to dream of. I wanted to study more, work in a big hospital and save lives.
Other road takes me to the woman, who lived for everyone except herself, whom nobody wants now.
She started as a beautiful blossom, married a rich husband, had a son and a daughter, lived in a big house and everything was perfect.Then in an instant everything changed.
No one could take her beauty away, so they decided to lock her up, with rules and regulations. She became a dried flower, that was just there as a reminder to show what it was before.
Suddenly I understood why Ammachi never spoke about Methran Thambi’s family. They didn’t want anyone else to enjoy, something that was their son’s.

I placed the bucket back on the floor and walked back inside. I thought I heard a sob. Is Ammachi crying? I ran to her room. She was still laying down on her bed. Her eyes were closed.
I must have imagined. I went back to the kitchen and started the fire. I will make coffee for Ammachi. Coffee with ghee and sugar. My rememdy for depression. I placed the pot on the stove and looked around for coffee. Coffee pot was almost empty. I made a mental note, I must buy coffee tomorrow. When the water started to boil, I added two spoonful of coffee in to the pot and watched in horror when the coffee started to boil over. I desperately tried to look around for the pot holder. It was no where to be seen. By the time I managed to find some old news paper, most of the coffee had boiled over and the fire was almost dying out. How am I going to survive in this house, when I can’t even make a simple coffee?
I looked through the door to see if Ammachi is still in her bed and quickly threw away the rest of the coffee in the pot and started the fire again, this time making sure that, I didn’t put too much of fire wood. After making the coffee, I looked around for sugar and ghee. Ammachi keeps ghee in a small horlicks bottle. I looked everywhere. I even checked the pathayam(granary). There was no ghee to be found. That is odd, I thought.
I had no choice but to wake Ammachi up. I walked to her room. Something about the way Ammachi was laying down, I was sure, she wasn’t really sleeping, but pretending to be asleep. But her eyes were closed
“Ammachi” I called very gently
“Ammachi” I called a little more loudly
“Ammachi” I shook her body and she got up
“What? Where?” She sat straight up on her bed and looked at me. I looked at her eyes. They were red.
“Were you crying Ammachi?” I asked her
“have you gone mad? You woke me up from my sleep to ask me if I was crying?”
Her voice was quivering and I knew without a doubt, she was crying. Did she see me cry? Is that why she is crying. Oh my goodness, Did she see me trying to climb the tree?
I looked at Ammachi to try and gauge her response.
“What do you want Nina?”
“Ghee. I can’t find the ghee bottle”
“Nina, we don’t have any ghee”
“Why not?”
“Oh Nina, how do you make ghee, when we have no cows?”
“But you still buy milk, don’t you?”
“Milk? when I had cows, I sold the milk without adding a drop of water, now the man who used to buy milk from me, bought 5 new cows and sells the milk to me at 50:50”
“50:50?”
“Yes 50:50, 50% milk, 50% water! Now you tell me, How will I make butter from water?”
“what about sugar?”
“Finished two weeks ago. Who will go to the market and buy it for me?” Ammachi looked at me. The way she looked at me, I felt she knew what I was thinking earlier. I felt so guilty.
“What else is finished? Do you have rice?” I asked her
“Oh don’t worry Nina, I will ask Shankaran’s son to buy everything tomorrow”
I didn’t bother to respond.
“I will come now” I spoke to Ammachi
“Where are you going? You are not going to go out at this time of the evening. If anything happens to you, your father will kill me”
I didn’t bother to listen to her lecture
“Nina wait” By the time Ammachi reached the veranda, I was already on the bund wall. It was getting dark. But I didn’t feel scared. A little while later, I heard footsteps coming closer to me
Did Ammachi follow me? I turned to look. Some guy wearing mundu(sarong) and shirt was walking towards me. I moved to the side to give him way
“Who is that?” He called out
“Nina”
“Which Nina?”
“How many Nina’s do you know?” I asked him
“That I don’t know, but why are you walking alone in the night”
“Are there any rules, that says I can’t walk at night”
He was standing right in front of me and was staring at me. I still didn’t get scared. This is my home turf and I knew nothing will happen to me.
“Girls shouldn’t walk alone at night” He spoke
“What about boys?” I asked him.
Initially I thought I will give him way, that is why I moved to the side, Now I realized, why should I give way, just because he is a man?
When will I be able to break free from years of teaching that I am subservient to a man? I started to walk fast
“Wait” I heard him speak
He doesn’t own me to tell me to wait. I started to run. By the time I reached the main road, I was gasping for breath. Shankaran Chettan was outside closing his shop
“Kochumaharani, what is wrong?” He came running towards me
“Nothing. I just came to buy some groceries”
“Groceries? At this time of the day? Why didn’t you wait till tomorrow? You shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of the day”
I looked at him. How did my Ammachi survive here all alone all these years? I wanted to ask him, if he too was among the crowd that locked her up in that house with all these rules? Why is the world not safe for women after the sun set?
If it is the ‘man’, who I should be afraid of, then why don’t anyone lock them up? I wanted to ask him that, but I knew he won’t have any answer. It is the way it has been. Either you follow it willingly or we will make you follow it.
“Come, I will walk with you to the shop” Shankaran Chettan spoke
“No, it is ok. I am fine” I spoke
He didn’t reply, he started to walk by my side. I could hear someone whistling. I igonored it. Then I heard someone calling out from the darkness
“Shankaran Chetta, when did you start ‘this’ business? why didn’t you tell us earlier that you have a nice charakku(? beautiful woman). How much are you charging for this one?”
“Walk fast” Shakran Chettan muttered.
“I am sorry Shankaran Chetta” I muttered. I felt so sorry.
We quickly walked to the grocery shop and I ordered, rice, green gram,sugar, coffee and a small bottle of ghee
Shankaran chettan waited, while I bought all the grocery.
“Give me the bag” He ordered
“It is ok chetta, I can Carry”
He pulled the bag from my hand
“I need to speak to your grandmother. How could she send you out at this time?”
“She didn’t Chetta, She told me not to go out at this time” I didn’t want Shankaran Chettan to blame Ammachi for no fault of hers.
“hmm”he grunted and started to walk
“Chetta” I called softly
“What?” He stopped and turned to look at me
“I need an autorickshaw tonite”
“Why? For what?”
“I am taking Ammachi to watch Kathakali”
He looked at me. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds
“No Nina, It is not good. Don’t go”
Who was Shankaran chettan to tell me, what I should do? I glared at him
“I am taking Ammachi to watch the Kathakali” He looked at me and probably saw the anger in my eyes.
“Wait here” He spoke
I watched him walking to the bus stop and speaking to one of the auto drivers.
He walked back to where I was standing and spoke
“Nina, Suresh, the rickshaw driver will wait for you here at 9.30pm”
“Ok. Thank you Shankaran Chetta”
He didn’t respond. Together we walked in silence. He waited on the bund wall till I reached the house.
“Oh, Nina, Thank god you are safe. I was eating fire till now” Ammachi was holding the hurricane lamp.
“I am fine Ammachi” I spoke.
But honestly, I wasn’t, I had more things on my mind. Why did Shakaran Chettan tell me, not to go for the Kathakali?