GOK

“What is wrong Ammachi?”
“Nothing”
“Then why are you crying?”
“This is my eyes and if I want to cry I will. Why don’t you mind your own business? Ammachi was so mad at me.
I couldn’t understand why she was crying. I came all the way from Bangalore so that I can take her to watch Kathakali performance and somehow ever since I came, nothing was normal at home. As though everything that I do was wrong.

I didn’t know what to do. I looked at Ammachi. She wiped the tears off from her cheeks and started to walk. I followed like a lamb that follows the shepherd. The silence was excruciating. But I had no means in me that I could use to break the silence. If Chackochan was alive, perhaps I could have gone and asked him. Atleast he would know what to do with Ammachi. If anyone knew anything about my grandmother, it would be Chackochan!
Who else can I ask for help?

My father? All he ever did in his life was to say” my mother lost her husband when she was 18 and she took care of me. It is only fair that I take care of her”. His idea of taking care of her was to ask his wife to stay at his house while he galavant around the world.

My mother? She knew she was marrying someone from the village and that she will have to settle down in the village and take care of Ammachi. She chose to marry Appa and then decided that living in the village isn’t her cup of tea.

My aunt? She is still mad at Ammachi for making her sign the declaration that she has no rights to the Chengannur property. If she didn’t sign that document at the time of her marriage she would now had equal share in the family property especially after Mary Roy went to court to fight for the rights of Christian women in Kerala.
That leaves me, the only one who cares for Ammachi, whose qualifications up to the date is pre-degree(first class) and first year MBBS(GOK). Both pre-degree and MBBS first year didn’t prepare me in any way to handle the problem that I am facing. I knew my grandmother was crying out for help. But what is the problem? How will I know if she doesn’t tell me?
When we reached the bund I spoke
“Wait Ammachi, give me your hand, I will help you”
“I can do it myself. I have lived without any of your help till now. I know to take care of myself”
I was so mad. Not enough that Ammachi can hardly walk. Now she wants to fall down and get hurt
I walked right infront of her and stood
“Give me your hand”
“Move away Nina, I said I can walk by myself” She tried to push me off.
“You are not going down the slope on your own.”
“Oh really? Who are you to tell me that?”
“I am Puthenvettil Thangamma’s grand daughter. Didn’t you know that till now?”
Ammachi looked at me. I thought she would smile. But she didn’t. She just stared. It felt really good to say Puthenvettil Thangamma’s grand daughter instead of Methran Thambi’s grand daughter. Puthenvettil Thangamma and Nina faced each other and stood. I looked at my grandmother. In 50 years time I probably will look exactly like her. Would I get to wear Chatta and mundu and stand on the bund and face my grand daugher? That would be fun, to have a grand daughter who is like me. Then I can tell her all the stories that my grand mother told me!
I gave Ammachi my hand and she extended her hand. I held her hand and guided her slowly down the slope. Although Ammachi didn’t respond, when I said that I am her grand daughter, I felf really good. I now have a new foundation to build my life on. Or may be a new trump card, that I can wave everytime life overwhelmed me. Why didn’t I ever think of being Ammachi’s grand daughter instead of always leaning on the dead Methran Thambi?

When we reached home Ammachi went to sit on the parapet wall. I was hoping to sleep for a little while. I haven’t slept the whole night!, besides I want to go back and watch the part 2 of the Kathakali in the night. But I couldn’t leave Ammachi alone on the parapet wall and go and sleep.
I looked at her again, She was looking at the bund. My stomach was growling and I went to the kitchen. I thought I would make breakfast. There was only rice flour and I decided to make Puttu for breakfast. Till now I have only watched Amma and Ammachi making Puttu and it was something I felt that can be done in a jiffy. I took the big steel plate Ammachi keeps on top of the shelf, took 2 cups of rice flour and placed it in the steel plate. I dissoved some salt in a glass of water and slowly sprinkled the water on top of the flour and wet the flour slowly. I felt I was getting good at this and I was so proud of myself. After wetting the flour, I closed the plate and went to get the coconut from the granary. I used the sickle and removed the husk. Now all I need to do is to whack the cocnut shell in the middle to split in to two and scrape the white flesh inside the shell.
I took the clean coconut in one hand and using the sickle whacked it hard. Before I could hit the coconut shell, it fell out of my hand. I am not the one who gets discouraged that easily. So I picked up the coconut from the floor and whacked it again with the sickle. Nothing happend to the coconut. Finally I placed the coconut on top the grinding stone and whacked it hard with the sickle. The coconut rolled off and the sickle hit the granite grinding stone!
” Nina, What was that noise? What are you doing there Nina?” Ammachi shouted from the veranda. I moved towards the kitchen door to see what Ammachi is doing. She spotted me from the veranda
“what was that noise?”
“Oh nothing Ammachi, I was sharpening the sickle”
“Sharpening the sickle? Why do you want to sharpen the sickle?”
“Oh Ammachi, donlt worry about it. I know what I am doing”
I walked back to the grinding stone, picked up the coconut from the side of the stone. I need coconut to make Puttu. It is a shame, that I can’t even crack an ordinary coconut. I took the silly coconut in my hand and whacked it as hard as I can with the sickle. It broke in to two and the coconut water spilled all over the floor. I looked at the 2 halves in my hand. Instead of two smooth edged halves, I managed to get a jagged edge halves. I didn’t want Ammachi to see my creation. So I hid the one half under the kitchen counter beneath the fire wood. Using the coconut scrapper, I scrapped the white coconut flesh.
So far so good. Atleast Ammachi will get to taste food cooked by me. I was thrilled.
I lit the fire, filled the puttukudam with water and placed it on the stove. When the water started to boil, I placed it a bit of the coconut on the bottom of the steamer, placed the flour, shook the steamer, so the flour would settle and added more flour and stuffed the steamer neatly. Right on top of the rice flour I added a neat layer of scrapped coconut. In 10 minutes the steam would come out from the top and Ammachi would get to eat a nice fresh home made puttu. I waited 10 minutes, no steam came out. May be the fire is low, so I added more firewood. Waited another 10 miutes, Still no steam. The anticipation was making me hungry. I checked the pot at the bottom to make sure that there is enough water. Everything appeared fine.
“What are you making?”
I turned around to see Ammachi standing by the door
“I am making Puttu for you. Go, sit on the veranda. When the puttu is readu I will call you”
Ammachi walked in to the kitchen, checked the flour in the steel plate.
“You wet the flour correctly. Not bad Nina”
I smiled. I was just so proud of myself.
Ammachi too stood next to me, waiting for the steam to come out from the steamer.
“How long have you kept the steamer on fire Nina?”
“20 minutes already Ammachi, I don’t know why the steam isn’t coming out”
I watched Ammachi lifting the steamer out of the pot. She looked at me and shook the steamer
“How much flour did you put inside Nina?”
“Enough to make one kutty Puttu Ammachi. I pressed and filled the steamer nicely.” I was pretty sure that I did a good job.
I was stunned to see Ammachi walking towards the sink and placing the steamer in the sink. Then she turned and looked at me. She was holding her tummy and laughing.
“Oh Nina, what are you going to do when you get married?”
“What? I did everything right. I know I did. You told me that I wet the flour nicely. Why did you put the steamer in the sink?” I felt so indignant
“Oh Nina, It will take atleast 2 days of soaking to remove the flour you have stuffed inside the steamer. You are supposed to gently fill the steamer. How will the steam come out if you stuff the steamer with flour?”
I felt so stupid and useless. Ammachi was still laughing.
“Stop laughing at me. Everyone makes mistakes.” I walked to the veranda and sat on the parapet wall. I was hungry, sleepy and angry.
I could hear Ammachi making something in the kitchen. I wanted to go and help her. But I knew she would laugh at me some more. So I didn’t bother.
Little while later I heard Ammachi calling
“Nina, come and eat.”
I walked back to the kitchen. Ammachi was stirring ghee in to the coffee and the moment she saw me, she started to laugh.
“There is a special place( mental hospital) for those who laugh without any reason. I will call and tell them to come and get you.” I threatend her
“Ok. I won’t laugh”
She gave the coffee to me. I looked at her. The moment our eyes met, she started to laugh again. I was really upset with Ammachi for laughing at me. Everyone makes mistakes. There is nothing to laugh about it. I looked down at the food in my plate. Ammachi made pidi(steamed dumpling made with rice flour). Ammachi sat infront of me
“Why do you love me Nina?” She asked
I looked at her. Why did she ask me that question?
“Tell me Why do you love me?” Ammachi spoke again
“Who said I love you? When did I tell you that I love you?” I asked her
“Stop joking Nina. I am asking you seriously. Why do you love me?”
I tried to think of the best reason as to why I love my Ammachi.
“Because you are my grandmother”
“Do you love your mother’s mother the same way?”
“No” I shook my head. “Why are you asking me such silly questions Ammachi?”
“Please tell me Nina, Why did you come all the way from Bangalore to take me to watch Kathakali?”
“I don’t know Ammachi. You are the sweetest person I have ever known. You taught me everything I needed to learn. You are my Ammachi and I love you because you are perfect.”
“But I am not perfect”
“To me you are”
“Then you don’t know anything about me”
I looked at her.
“Would you still love me if I have made mistakes in my life?” She asked me
I put the pidi that I was eating back in the plate. I looked at Ammachi. Somehow I knew, she was just about to open the pandora’s box. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know her secrets. What mistakes has she done? Did she kill my grandfather? Is that why no one ever speaks about him?.
Ammachi was looking at me. What will I tell her?
“Nina, there are some things you need to know”
Shoul I say, Ok, go ahead, speak? I wasn’t sure. I liked the Ammachi I knew. The Ammachi who is witty, who knew so many stories, the Ammachi who loves me for what I am. I didn’t want to know anything else. Ammachi is all I have.
“Eat the food fast. We will go and sit in the veranda”
I looked at the food infront of me. Suddenly I didn’t feel hungry any more.
“I will eat later”
I got up and washed my hands. Together we walked to the veranda.

GOK: God only knows

11 thoughts on “GOK

  1. I know that feeling of wanting to know, but scared that you dont want to know.

    Its interesting to think of old people as having been young people once, with all the same hopes, loves, and mischief.

  2. i have always wanted to know evvveryting abt my grandparents..just thinkin of them as individuals with a reason for existence beyond being r grandparents is fascinating..all the best on wat u found out! 🙂

  3. God only knows why some people put others through so much torture.
    torture
    torture
    torture.
    why why why?
    suspense is torture!!!
    :))

  4. GOK bought some first year memories back.I was sitting in the library after two week of joining college and looking up notes on Endocrinology.As i got up to leave one of the seniors caught me and asked me to name all the hormones that i read about.Finally he said ,”you missed one”. and he said haven’t you heard of GOK hormone…i really didn’t know what that was.after alot of searching the next day he called and told me.so this post really reminded me of that 🙂

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