Ammachi sat on her usual spot, on the parapet wall, leaning against the pillar. Usually, I would either sit leaning on the wall facing her or lay down with my head on her lap. But today I wasn’t sure where I wanted to sit. I was afraid to sit next to Ammachi. What if she was really a murderer?
The sensible part of my head kept telling me, Don’t Nina, don’t be so stupid, your grandmother is a wonderful person, she won’t do anything bad and the practical part of my head kept asking me, then why nobody ever speaks about your grandfather? Why nobody ever goes to his grave?
I looked around the veranda. My grand father’s chair was still there right in the middle of the veranda.I sat on the easy chair leaning against the back support of the chair. I felt like a tiny mosquito sitting in that big chair, that was custom made for my grandfather to accomodate his 6 feet 2 inches body.
My grandmother was shorter than me and I wondered how she lived with a giant.
“Nina, you do know your grand father died when I was 18 years old” Ammachi spoke
Ofcourse I knew that. What I don’t know is how he died, even more specifically what happend to his grave. I wasn’t sure if it is ok for me to ask Ammachi that question. I looked at her, hoping she would know what is bothering me and tell me .
“Your father was 2 years old when your grandfather died”
Ofcourse I knew that too. I felt like telling Ammachi to fast forward.

“When your grandfather died, all of a sudden, I became a widow at the age of 18 with two kids, a 2 year old son and a 6 month old daughter. My parents refused to take me back home, as they felt I was my in-laws responsibility, after all I gave birth to their grand son, who is the rightful heir of all the property.
My in-laws didn’t want to do anything with me, because they felt I brought bad luck to this family, that is why my husband died at such a young age.”

I knew all that. I have been told this story so many times and I was getting tired of it.
” They made me work in this land like a slave Nina. They made me work without a break. They never gave me or my children any food. Everyone of them drank milk in the morning. Everyone except my children. Do you know I had to steal milk each morning for your father and aunt? “
I shook my head. I didn’t know that.
“I had to milk the cow each morning, before everyone wakes up and I would hide 2 thudam(scoop) milk for my children in the cattle shed. Do you know what I used as a bowl?”
I shook my head
“Coconut shell!. If I had taken any bowl from inside the kitchen, my mother in law would have killed me. You know Nina, coconut shell doesn’t have a flat base and how much ever I tried to keep the coconut shell stable most of the times the milk would spill, even before I had a chance to give it to my children.
Do you know how much it hurts, when you see your mother in law giving milk to her daughter’s children, and not my children? What did my children do to suffer like that? Tell me Nina, what did your father do to suffer like that?”
“I don’t know Ammachi”
“Once she made Appam for easter. All of them ate the Appam and stew. I didn’t mind not eating any Appam. But the children, your father and aunty, how do I tell them why they are not given any appam to eat. She gave pazhakanji(stale porridge) to my children and your father asked her Why does she treat him differently? Do you know what that women did?”
“She took a fire wood that was already burning and used it to hit your father. She hit him till the fire burned out. Do you know how it smells when flesh is burned?”

I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to hear any more. For the first time in my life I didn’t want to ask Ammachi, what happend then.

“I didn’t want my children to suffer any more. I wanted to kill them Nina, so atleast they would eascape from this mad house. Can you imagine Nina that I wanted to kill my own children?”

I looked at my grandmother. Her eyes were closed, but I could see the trail of tears down her cheeks. I thought of getting up from the chair and wiping the tears away. But Ammachi looked like she was in some sort of trance and I was afraid to disturb her. Besides I knew she wasn’t succesful in killing her children, as my father and aunt are still very much alive.
“Did you know, there was a ‘well’ here?” Ammachi opened her eyes and pointed to the left side. I looked to where she was pointing, there was a nutmeg tree there. No other visible signs of a well. I looked at my grandmother. what happend to the well? How could the well disappear just like that?

“It was a very deep well and I remember it had more than 20 steps(more steps inside, the deeper the well). I used to get scared looking inside the well and one sunday I decided to end it all. I waited for everyone to go to church. My plan was simple. I will hold your father’s and aunt’s hand and we will all jump in together. You know Nina, I remember standing infront of the well and holding my children’s hands. I leaned over and looked inside. It was so dark inside the well and your father looked at me and asked
“entha ammey”(what is it Amma?)
“He must have seen me crying and he said something that changed everything Nina,
he said, Ammey, amma enthina karayunney, ammakku njan illey? (why are you crying Amma when you have me?).
You know Nina, that was the first time someone ever told me such a thing. Till then I felt I was all alone and all of a sudden my son told me, I have him. He must have been about 7 or 8, but I could see the vigor in his eyes. He held my hand and we walked back inside. I knew then that whatever happend, I have my son to lean on”

What happend to the well? I so very badly wanted to ask Ammachi that question, mostly because I didn’t believe there was a well near the nutmeg tree. How can there be? I must have walked that part of the land a hundred times, most often looking for nutmeg fruits. If there was a well, then the ground would have been uneven or even unstabe? But the area near the nutmeg tree was just like the rest of the land, firm and levelled.

“I lived each day for my children. I watched your father grow up and becoming a man. You know Nina, the biggest mistake I ever did in my life was to raise your father all by myself. He needed a father and I couldn’t be a father and a mother at the same time. I tried Nina, I really tried, but I think in my struggle to be both a father and a mother to my son, I became neither. When he fell down and hurt himself, instead of consoling him I scolded him, because I was afraid that if I hugged him, he would be less of a man and more of a woman. You know one time he got 50 marks out of 50, my heart was bursting with pride, but I still scolded him because he had held the report card with wet hands and the ink on the report card was smudged.. I was so afraid of spoiling him. May be, he never saw the love that I had for him in my heart, may be this house was a prison to him, he left this house when he was 24 years old. Soon your aunty too got married and left home”

Ammachi stopped talking. I wasn’t sure what I should do. Should I ask her what happend then?

“up until then, I lived for my children and when they left, I didn’t know what to do. There was no reason to live. There was no reason to die either. One day I was planting the tapioca near Chakochan’s house. I heard someone crying and I saw Chackochan carrying his wife and running on the bund wall. She was bitten by a snake and he was rushing her to the hospital to save her life.”

Chakki’s voice was echoing through my head, “Chakochan and Ammachi are in love”. I looked at my grandmother, hoping she would tell me that she didn’t have an affair with Chackochan. I didn’t want her to have an affair. Only bad people have affairs. My grandmother is a good woman.

“Only then I realized, I had no one Nina, no one to take me to the hospital when I am ill, no one to hold my hand and tell me that ‘you have me’. I had no one even talk to. All I had was the cows and the birds to talk to! and I don’t think they understood whatever I told them. I so very badly wanted someone to just hold me, someone to talk to, someone to eat the food with me, someone to laugh with, someone to lean on”
I knew exactly what Ammachi was trying to tell me, because all I ever wanted was the same, But there was a difference. I am still single, where as Ammachi wasn’t. She was my grand father’s wife, my father’s mother and my grandmother.

“It was a week before onam and I went to the market to sell the banans and the yams. I earned 25 Rs that day. I met Chackochan at the market and he told me that there was a new provision shop near the bus stand and I thought I might as well see what they have in the new shop. Anyway I had some money with me and I thought I will buy groceries from the new shop. I walked to the shop. The shop had two sections, on the right side was all the rice and flour and sugar in huge gunny sacks. He sat on the left side with the ledger book infront of him.
“Who?” I had to ask
Ammachi ignored my question
“He must have heard my foot steps, he looked up. He looked very funny, with his black framed spectacles hanging near the tip of his nose. I watched him pushing the spectacles up his nose with his hand. He saw me staring at him.
“Are you here to open a new account?” He asked
“I didn’t know what to say, especially because I felt so ashamed because he caught me staring at him. I just nodded my head. He asked for my name and address and wrote it in the ledger book.”
“I will start with 10 Rs credit, you have to pay at the end of the month” He spoke and I just nodded my head. I didn’t need any credit. I had 25 Rs in my hand, But I didn’t tell him that.”
“You know something Nina?” Ammachi opened her eyes and looked at me
“What?”
“He had the most beautiful eyes, hidden beneath that black framed spectacles”
I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh. Because all I ever looked for in a man was his eyes!.