As I mentioned yesterday, I agreed to the surgery on 25th very reluctantly.
First of all I was sure that something was going to go terribly wrong and I was going to die. 25th is few days before my son’s birthday and I worried that for the rest of his life his birthday will be over shadowed by my death. ( Yes, I have a very fertile imagination and enjoy worrying about the most trivial things)
I didn’t want to scare my children with my worries.. so I had to pretend that it is a minor surgery and absolutely no big deal. So I didn’t talk anything much about the surgery to anyone. On 24th I told my classmates ” Oh btw, I am away the next 6 weeks”. Most of my classmates are doctors/health professionals and they looked stunned when I told them the reason for my absence. “You are pretty calm” They said. ( if only they could see inside of me..)
And then I wanted to speak to my mother. Last time I tried to phone her, she didn’t pick up the phone. ( She obviously was mad at me). There was no guarantee that she would answer the phone this time. Plus the fact that I chose this solo journey myself and really ought to stand on my own two feet. So, I didn’t talk to my mother.
I baked my son’s birthday cake on 24 th evening, after he went to bed. He loves cheesecake and I baked him a red velvet cheesecake with macadamia topping. I wondered if I would get to see my son cut the cake!
I had requested to be the first patient to undergo surgery and had to be at the hospital by 7 am. Children had to go to school. So I got breakfast ready a bit early. Yaya came to the kitchen, looking visibly upset and asked
“Mom, what are the chances that you would die?”
“None, not even a microscopic chance. You know your mother won’t take any unnecessary risks” I told her. She hugged me and I wondered if it is still possible to weasel out of the surgery. But I also knew that each month my dysmenorrhoea ( painful periods) was only going to get worst. I regretted not doing the surgery when the doctor suggested it last year..Yaya was only in grade 11 then..and now that she is in grade 12, she already has enough stress on her, without having to worry about her mother.
So, I said Bye to my children, promising them to let them know as soon the surgery is over, wondering if I would ever get to see them again..
Natural feelings I suppose.
It’s kind of scary to think though that you can die at any time, at any instance. True though b/c no one knows what will happen tomorrow or within the next year. I was thinking about that recently after being glued to the news about what happened to the Germanwings Airline that crashed in the French Alps exactly a week ago today. I still feel a pit in my stomach thinking about that and still feel horrified to hear about what happened to those people who were not aware what was going on until it was too late. Well what can anyone do? It’s what life is about, bringing a mixture of events, both happy and painful.
Forgot to add one more point. There’s that saying that we all should enjoy life as much as we can and don’t worry about the what if’s because we never know what can happen to us at any time. I find that to be true.
J1206: I have no regrets, because I lived my life to the fullest.. every single day.
J1206: Well said.
I don’t know if its appropriate but love you.
Saju: Marunnu thinnilley? 🙂
Hi Sarah,
I’d highly recommend you check out Michelle Kenway .She’s a Pelvic Therapist based in your part of the world.You could find a provider in your area by clicking on the link https://www.pelvicexercises.com.au/pelvic-floor-safe-exercise-provider/
And while you’re resting ,you could go through her site and you tube videos .They are helpful and informative and easy to understand too.And yes, I would highly encourage you to meet with a provider .She/he can assess you and ensure you’re doing the pelvic floor exercises correctly.You may not have to attend very many sessions ,but atleast 4-5 are crucial and beneficial. I’d say ,consider it as an investment in your health.As I mentioned earlier , this is to prevent occurrence of chronic pelvic pain,incontinence,prolapse etc post hysterectomy .When done correctly and under supervision ,pelvic health therapy works.
All the best Sarah and I’m glad you’re back to blogging!
Regards,
Nimmy
Nimmy: I hv made an apnt..next week. Thank you for the link. I never even knew there were things like this. 🙂
Hope you are recovering well.
When you feel upto it, pls check this link… Has a few diff receipes for peshaha appam …. Don’t know if any reminds you of the one your ammachi used to make.
http://www.nasrani.net/2008/03/16/kerala-nazranee-pesaha-receipes/
Take care chechi
Sharon: kochey thank you for remembering.. I really would hv liked to make it today. But not physically able. Perhaps next year.
Hope you are recuperating well!
Jina: how are you? Haven’t seen you here for a looooong time.
Pedi, that is ruling you. Behind the veil of bravery you put, the thicket of fear is visible. You want to live and enjoy and achieve your goal ( still a secret) and really scared to depart before that. Like any huuman being naturally. The talk about the future of the children is a camouflage Then your imaginations. Of a great writer. Then the pretension of simplicity and openness. All these in your subconcious mind have a strong influence in you.
Hope you resurrect from the present turmoil on Sunday.
Bipin: Unlike a normal patient, As a doctor I know what can go wrong. When a patient comes to me, they trust me completely because they know I am competent and can fix it and when I am the patient, I worry how competent the doctor is if anything goes wrong. That is the main reasons why doctors make the worst patients. There is nothing to resurrect..fear and dreams are part of life. I put my dreams in front and my fears at the back of me..
Sarah,
Sorry to hear you were in pain, get well soon
Raji: thank you