Insanity

This particular cousin of mine went to US when she was 14 years old ( family migration). She did her degree in US and is employed in a top position in a fortune 500 company. As soon as she graduated,her parents arranged her marriage with a suitable boy from Kerala. She calls her husband “country” and I don’t blame her. Though she grew up in Kerala, having studied in a US uni has changed her out look to life, while her husband still keeps his ‘country’ charms . She says, she can’t even go out for a meal with other couples ( colleagues) because her husband doesn’t even know basic table manners and refuses to learn. He says, Ethanentey reethi, enikku change cheyyanda avasyam illa. ( This is who I am and I don’t see the need to change).

Her daughter is 24 years old, born and raised in US and has never even been kissed by a guy in her life. ( I don’t believe in keeping the virginity as a gift for the husband and kissing guy isn’t a crime against humanity). My cousin watches over her daughter like a hawk, ensuring the purity isn’t tarnished. But what is most surprising is, my cousin is now looking for a suitable boy in Kerala for her own daughter. Her mission in the world as a mother will only be successful when her mallu son in law receives a pure, unadulterated bomma ( doll)

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying all the boys in Kerala are jerks. If my cousin herself found it difficult to cope living in US with a guy born and raised in Kerala, why does she think her daughter will have better luck?

Einstein once said ” doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity”

39 thoughts on “Insanity

    • Bipin: there are three tragedies..third one is getting your heart’s desire ( the best ) and then losing it. I know it from experience.

  1. Looks like after the US trip, you are kinda angry with all the relatives you met there….Hope they don’t read your blog, or else you dont need anything else to spoil the relationship, if you had any with them.

    If i was

  2. If i was your relative, i would have felt super sad reading your recent posts. Someone who visits me in my house, i would expect them to like me genuinely/the least not say mean things behind my back.

    Did you say any of your opinions in their face?? To your cousin/super hard working another realtive of yours??

    • Lux: Isak Dinesan once wrote ” all sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story of them” The sorrow is seeing a 24 year old getting stifled by her parents, the biggest sorrow is, she is going to make the same mistake I did..getting married to the first available guy, so she could leave her home. I don’t really care if you like what I write in my blog, but you shall not tell me, what I can or not write because it offends your sensibility.

      • Sarah…I don’t think lux had the intention of advicing you on what you write.. I think it was the samee feeling that I too got..that if you accept some one’s hospitality its not considered good if you then sort of bitch about it.. Having read your blog and and by the way you react to commentsi have felt ,you get super defensive when faced with even an iota of criticism….but its just my 2 cents..like it or not…

        • Reshma: Just as I let you have your say, I have the right to defend my views super strongly. If you have a problem with that, you just have to live with it. I think, you also assumed that I was smooching off my cousins therefor was ungrateful for their hospitality. In the six weeks I was in US, I spend 4 days with my relatives, Christmas eve with my uncle ( my mom’s younger brother) whom I haven’t seen for 35 years and Christmas day and boxing day with my aunt, it was more for her than for me, because her husband would have given her enough grief if I didn’t turn up to stay there and say my hi and would have blamed her and told her how horrible her side of the family is. One day with my step family. Even though I have a lot of family members in US and would have saved a great deal of money had I stayed with them,I like my freedom and I don’t like to be obligated to anyone.

          • No,I didn’t think you were utilizing them or sponging them even before you made it clear .Didn’t think you were that type having read your blog for a while. But seeing posts about relatives made me feel exactly how lux felt and being outspoken I had to say it.,whether you like it or not is my concern.
            . I too defend my views and I have heard lots of people defend theirs. But yours comes across as extremely defensive..Well before you say..”its my blog ,you need not read it “..I am saying “right ,no time for arguing”..bye

          • Reshma: isn’t it odd that when I wrote about someone with pre degree from Kerala, who couldn’t speak a word of English is now doing her Phd in an Ivy leaugue college there was no reaction, but when I wrote about a mother who hates her Kerala born husband and still wants to be a guardian of her daughter’s virginity and find a Kerala born husband or about a cousin who works 80 hours a week, so she could live in a big house, it pissed everyone off and I am told I am being judgemental? The thing is what I said is true and you know it. You see it happening around you, but you just hate my guts.. Remember
            “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
            ? Gloria Steinem
            And yes, you are absolutely right, my blog, my rights.. Don’t forget that.

  3. 🙂

    it’s not about them , it’s about you.

    Focus on the positive things in others(i know it’s hard at times), but when we say bad/mean thing about others we feel sad inside. You can argue with me all you want, I believe at that end of day everyone deserves to be happy – and being negative/criticizing others is definitely not the way to go.

    • Lux: Nope, the problem is you. You live in denial and are avoiding the truth by saying bitching is bad especially if you smooched off your relatives. What I wrote is nothing but the truth and the truth is out there. I don’t see why writing the real truth would make me bitter, in fact it makes me a better person, for I know not to make the same mistakes.

        • Lux: I think you need the good luck more than I do, to learn to have an open mind and to accept that no one is perfect. Writing about something doesn’t make a person negative, only those constrained by their inability to look beyond all their cultural ties see everything negative.

          • No one is perfect , so are you:)

            And luck part, i feel grateful and happy with little i have and not spending my life focussing on bitching about others. I go to bed happy and content :)…I don’t think a person trying to bitch others can do that…they go crazy seeing the happiness of others, and end up bitching more and more…the sooner they realize it, the better for them.

          • Lux: Are you sure you are not speaking from your own experience about not sleeping well when others are happy? You seem to always had a bone to pick with me ! It is you who seems to be not happy with my blog or the way I write. You are waiting for a chance to pounce, to attack …all over a post, yet you are not denying what I wrote isn’t true.

  4. If she lives in US, she doesnot need to get married to leave home. Plenty of Indian kids leave home to go to college/work, or simple move out, and never return to their parents home on permanent basis, as long as they can support themselves.

  5. I will agree with ‘Guts” part, not allowed part. There is no such thing as “allowed” in this free land, and I love that.

  6. Why would I hate your guts .. You are just a writer of a blog I happen to read.. And I said what I thought .. I didn’t know that comments of a complimentary nature are welcomed !!!

        • Reshma: Trouble with trying to read between the lines is, you lose the meaning totally. I didn’t ask for a complementary comment, what I asked was, why you are getting pissed because I wrote about my lovely relatives..the truth.. yet you had no issues with another truth of someone doing very well.. Why one truth pisses you off and not the other?

          • being pissed off is quite strong..I found your article a bit patroniozing..so I commented on it..and I read feel good stories all the time and I like it ..but didn’t feel like commenting….in your vein..what i comment on is my choice!

          • reshma: patronising is someone trying to nail a person with near perfect eidetic memory about something they wrote..

    • Reshma: Let me get this right. You are not pissed because what I wrote is true, you are not pissed because I didn’t smooch off my cousins and then wrote the truth, so what exactly are you pissed off with?

      • well let me make this clear.. I am not pissed off with you..i reserve such strong emotions for people whom I am close with or don’t like at all..you fall into neither category…I only felt instead of blogging about them after meeting them ,a nice person would have said what they thght to the face, albeit in a tactful way…and jeez ..ihavemet many defensive people ..but you take the crown,,,no contest..!!!

        • Reshma:
          “People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.”
          ? Albert Camus, The Fall
          Beating around the bush and making it sounds personal with all sorts of subtle innuendos about how irrelevant i am to you or how defensive I am is gettng tiresome. I believe in what i write and will defend my views to the end of time.your opinion of me makes no difference to my life! As you are aware, i am smart, i have an IQ of 149, i am well read and very confident of my abilities and your opinion is irrelevant to my life. It doesn’t matter if you like me or don’t. My blog is my passion and I write what I want to write, thou shall not tell me what I can or not write or how I must behave. Remember you always have the option, not read my blog if you are not happy with what I write. Your rights starts with that option.

  7. Hey S,

    Phew. I finally caught up with all your US posts. I am glad you had a good time for the most part. And hopefully, you will choose to live here for a while when Yaya joins Princeton :).
    Btw, Im just curious, how old are these relatives of yours? I am asking because I interact and live among a lot of newly immigrated Mallus and they are all the exact opposite of what you have described. Enough to warrant our moms call us ‘computer generation kids’. LOL.
    I am sure there are many cool people who assimilate with the culture easily yet maintaining the roots of home. We cannot choose out families unfortunately, right?

    • Jina: My maternal Uncle has been living in the US for more than 50 years. I have both kinds of immigrant relatives in US ( family migration and work permit to green card migration). The work permit to green card group are considerable younger generations and more willing to adapt, but the family migration groups are older with typical mallu attitudes..you can’t wear jeans to Marthoma church type, because everyone wears saree/salwar. ( I had to wear salwar too, borrowed from my cousins and had to attend the Christmas service with my aunt and family, her husband would have given her more grief if I told him, I am a practicing atheist 🙂 )

  8. Just to chime since I have just found this and chime in only because I have been having thoughts about this and had recent discussions. Here’s my honest opinion.

    I don’t think it’ll work out. People with two different mentalities (open minded in west and very narrow minded in most of Kerala) is subject to clash. Don’t know in other parts of India, but in Kerala many people marry outsiders to get out of India and use their spouse as their ticket out. I don’t think they care for the marriage at all. I had an instance of this in my family and have heard stories of others in the same boat. Very few marriages have been successful so you never know, the daughter may be lucky enough to find someone who will treat her as an equal, let her achieve her aims in life (besides just sitting home being the typical housewife and become a breeding machine popping out babies all the time) and love her for who she is.

    Anyway, after the familial incident, I am highly skeptical marrying someone from India since people there don’t seem very trustworthy as well and can get away with things that can ruin you and your family (I’ve seen many instances of this). I’d still prefer an Indian (mallu specifically), but born and brought up outside India, or at least lived outside for a very long time. Here’s an article that may be an eye opener for you and perhaps you can show this to your cousin before marrying off her daughter.

    http://articles.philly.com/2014-04-03/news/48805652_1_wedding-day-marriages-northeast-philadelphia

    • J1289: if a woman who had an arranged marriage with a guy born and raised in Kerala found her marriage was nothing short of hell and still wants the same for her daughter, there is no link I can send to her that would change her views.

  9. I agree that it may not change her views, but I found it a great read and very accurate. Well if the daughter doesn’t feel confident about this entire process, she needs to verbalize if she has concerns and fight to her ability or at least move away from home for the sake of her sanity.

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