5 years !!

I think it is probably due to growing up in India and India’s 5 year plan ( ?panchavalsara padhathi)that makes me look at my life in a group of 5 years.

Ancham class ( 5th grade) was a big deal for me, because all grade 5 students were allowed to use mashi pena ( ink pen) instead of pencils. Ah, the thrill of refilling the ink pens !! ( does anyone remember?) I felt I was a big girl already when I was in grade 5, because I was allowed to write using ink pen like all the adults! ( Ball point pens were just coming in to the market then!)

patham class..SSLC ( 10th grade, secondary school leaving certificate)..it was the Mount Everest for me. From the big girl in grade 5 to a teenager on her way to college..( and boys!!)

5 years of medical college..from a teenager to a doctor..loved, lost, loved again, lost again..

When I walked out of the college gates holding my degree, the world was mine to conquer. I had 127RS in my bank and headful of dreams and hope.

Then there was a 5 years.. missed abortion, miscarriage, missed periods and keeping my fingers crossed each and every month and then the telltale signs of impending periods, but still hoping..

Then Yaya came..then her brother..then baby.. all in the next 5 years!

The next 5 years was all about nursery rhymes, bed time stories, fevers that kept me awake all through the nights with fear.. I cherished the hour I got after my kids went to bed before I slept off, often holding the book I desperately wanted to read..What used to take me 3 hours ( to finish reading) took thee days..often more. I couldn’t wait for the kids to grow up knowing very well that I would regret making that wish when they leave my home.

Then the 5 years of school going kids..homework, school lunch, birthday parties, swimming, skating. I felt I was the Guinea pig on that exercise wheel!

Yesterday a very dear friend asked “where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”

In 5 years, I will be 46.

Yaya and toothless will be in Uni, My youngest will be in grade 11.

So,Where do I see myself in 5 years?.. I don’t know. I thought it was scary when my children were little and they had fever. ( I imagined cancer first and flu last!!) I thought holding a birthday party was stressful..I now realize those fears are nothing compared to facing the unknown of today and tomorrow..finding the right courses, getting admission to the uni, drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancies..

I am Methran Thambi’s grand daughter, I lived in 4 continents, I speak a handful of languages and I am shit scared thinking where I would be 5 years from now.

 

7 thoughts on “5 years !!

  1. I guess you will never stop worrying about your children. I have been worrying about my son since the day I knew I was carrying. Any minor accident, and I would think and rethink how things would have been if I had done something else. He is only 4 now, and I have a long time of worrying ahead of me.

    And I guess this worry will die only with me….

    • Shij: when my children were small, there was a predictable path! Crawling, walking, first words etc. Right now I face unknown days.. I know that I can only do so much, but it is scary not knowing what I should/ shouldn’t do!

  2. Wherever you are – I am sure you will still continue to be an inspiration with years of experience and rationale on your side :)
    Its been a while since I have commented here – but I was reading you nevertheless

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