Today, my baby had to take her shower using freezing cold water and I am responsible for it.
I feel very guilty.
All three of my children take their shower in the morning and Yaya takes the shower first, because she has to catch the bus to school.
Qld has water restriction and I used that excuse to get everyone to take a quick shower..Which worked pretty well, till Yaya declared herself to be the queen of the household and decided to take an hour long shower and finish the hot water in the tank!
I explained, threatened, cajoled, pleaded for her to think of her younger siblings, especially the youngest child who never gets any hot water..
Nothing worked.
Today I turned off the hot water after 10 minutes.
She had a very cold shower… really cold shower.. she was shivering when she came out..
I feel so miserable.
Being a mom is a wonderful with guilt is not so wonderful.


My youngest is doing a school project and has to write about my childhood!!!
All was well till she asked me what was my favourite childhood TV show..

The year was 1983. I was in 8th standard and Appa was home for holidays. Beginning 1981, there were regular articles in Malayala manorma about those who bought TV !! Including an article about a chayakkada karan who had many fold increase in patronage because of he was smart enough to buy a TV and install a few meters long antenna!
Mrs. KM Mathew’s outreach center ( something similar to that, can’t remember the name right now) even had a free Video night, where they screened the movie Disco dancer. ( Ps, Mithun Chakraborty, you were the best!!)

But we had no TV.
According to the person who studied child psychology ( my mother) and all her learned esteemed friends have suggested that TV was bad for children and therefore we were not going to get one.
But, there was one small problem.
I was then as I am now crazy for Car races. It was the time for Himalayan Car rally and appachan next door and I were a team who decided there is no way we were going to miss watching the races. Appachan bought the TV and much to my father’s chagrin, I was least bit embarrassed to go to my neighbour’s house and watch TV.
Appa finally felt it was much better to buy our own a TV and without consulting Amma, he went and bought a BPL tv. ( which my mother sold for the same price Appa bought it 20 years later)
That evening, my parents had a fight because Amma wanted her radio installed next to TV because she was not going to miss her regular kandathum kettathum and Appa insisted that with the arrival of TV, the radio will not be used again. I do have to agree that my father was right and the radio was never used after we got the TV.)
But as such what was my favourite childhood TV shows?
Every Thursday evening there was Chitrahar.
Then there was some kids program in English on Sunday morning. ( all I remember is that there was a dolphin!! Obviously my English language proficiency was not that good then). Laurel and hardy. Charlie Chaplin shows.
Was there any programs that I have forgotten about that would be classified as tv shows in late 80’s??

October 7

Another October 7th..
My memory is becoming foggy. How old would you have been today? 15 or 16?
It is simple to calculate. I just have to remember when I was in England. somehow, today I don’t want to calculate.
That doesn’t mean that I have forgotten about you.
The thing about losing something that one treasures so much is that, you will never be forgotten.You will always be in my heart.

Cultural police

I wonder if it is the cultural ideology that has been forced down the throats of Indian generations over the years that makes them so damned blind.
We started with Bharath Matha, then there were other’s that glorified the maternal roles played by women, ( how often one found wonderful mothers and villainous mothers in law in the hindi movies..)
Biju, what you and ilks of you won’t ever understand is that
Carrying a child for 9 months, giving birth, wiping the child’s butt will not make one a mother. ( every animal in the animal kingdom does that..may be not wiping the butt.. )

There are mothers who aborted their baby and not even give that baby a chance to be born, (often a female foetus). what do you call them?
There are mothers who abandons their new born babies in the skip to be eaten by stray dogs, what do you call them?
There are mothers who never fed their daughters, what do you call them?
There are mothers who sold their daughters? What do you call them?

Carrying a child, giving birth, breast feeding, bathing, cleaning after a child..anyone can do it.
The above acts, however will not give you an immunity from all the abuses you have inflicted on your child. ( the mother’s in India continue to get immunity because, neither the court nor the justice system will ever accept that a mother can do harm and so long as people like you continue your charade of maternal glorification, children who have endured abuses in the hands of their mothers keep quiet and suffer in silence)
When you can understand that simple fact being a mother is not about giving birth and taking care of your baby, perhaps then you will be able to accept that just as there are good mothers, there are evil ones too.
Much as it hurts to say it, mine was and is an evil one.
If you were fortunate enough to have had a good mother, consider yourself lucky, but don’t you dare take the liberty to tell me that just because my mother did all the carrying, giving birth etc to me, I must simply accept her abuses.

To my parents

They say, one can never chose their parents..
It is so bloody true, cause if I ever had a choice, I would pick neither of you..
Both of you constantly chanted that your children meant the world to you, yet I have never seen anyone more self centered than either of you.
Appa, For the longest time, I wished I was a boy, so I could give you one tight slap. Just to pay you back for the years of misery you inflicted on us.
I haven’t forgotten the cries of the hen you hung upside down on the clothes line, just because it was dumb enough to shit on your shoes. The stupid hen was alive for 5 hours.. In the beginning it cried so much and then the sound became feeble and then it died. I was 3 years old. Did you really think that I will forget that? ( and it was a big puzzle for you, why I never eat meat!)
I haven’t forgotten how you hit, kicked and punched my mother for every little thing.
I haven’t forgotten anything.
Yet, I chose to forgive you each and every time.Because you are my father..but I want you to know that at no time I have forgotten a thing that you have done. You made me an insecure woman. The one who hates to make friends ( because I hated to cover up for you. It was much easier if I didn’t have any friends, then no one knew about you.)

Amma, You should have never had children. You are a conniving, vengeful, calculative woman. I have often wondered, why is that a million woman who would make the best mother’s in the world were never given children, yet a monster like you was blessed 4 times?
You played the divide and rule so well. You turned the 4 of us against each other, so you could be in perfect control.
I haven’t forgotten how you hid food from chechy. You tried the same stunt to me, but unlike chechy, I knew to cook. But the dramas you played in front of others..You were the epitome of caring and kind were really a class act.
I haven’t forgotten your cruelty..some of the things you have done are too traumatising to even write here.

Few weeks ago, I was asked if I was sure that I was my father’s child. The thing is, I don’t know.
No one should have the right to ask a child who his or her father is..If it happened, then the parents must take full and total responsibility for their actions. If it wasn’t for either of you, I would have never been asked that question. I hate you both absolutely. ( even at the age of forty, I still pay for your sins)