My daughter has gone for a school camp.

She packed her bag all by herself. I no longer get a chance to do a mother hen activity!!!

She was not supposed to take her phone, any electronic equipment( including wrist watch), food or lollies.
She asked me if she could take her ipod with her..knowing very well that she isn’t supposed to take it.
I know I am supposed to tell her, No you mustn’t break the rules..
I guess I should have.
I asked her what is the punishment for bringing something you aren’t supposed to bring?
She said her teacher mentioned that
“if you are bringing lollies, make sure they are gluten free!!!” Apparently the teacher has gluten sensitivity.

Coming back to my child, she wears decent clothes( I haven’t had to tell her that her clothes are inappropriate for her age),
She txt me as soon as she leaves the school campus, another txt when she enters the bus, another txt when she is at the bus interchange and in between a million txt just chatting with me. I have never asked her to txt me. She does because she knows I am a worry wart.
She does all her school work on time and when she is in a mood helps me with household chores.
So I told her, you are aware that by taking your ipod with you, you are breaking the rules and I as your mother have to tell you that the rules are there for a reason.But if you think that you can’t live the next few days without the ipod and are willing to face the consequences in the event you are caught, then go ahead, take your ipod.But I will not bail you out if you get in to trouble.

It is really tough being a parent and having to figure out where to draw the line.
What if tomorrow she start smoking and taking drugs.. cause I already let her break one rule???
The trouble is..all her friends are bringing their phones, ipads, ipods and lollies..and I am in the bandwagon of”all my friends do this/that” and much as I am tempted to ask as my mother has asked me a million times
“ellarun traintey mumbil chadiyal, neeyum chadumo??”
there is no middle ground. If I take a tough stand, I face the prospect of making an enemy out of my child. If I take a lenient stand.. I risk the unknown,

When we were growing up, amma used to subscribe to The Hindu newspaper( english version).. The paper was delivered a day later, but she felt chechy’s grasp of english language will benefit greatly even if the news was a day old.
( in the beginning, chechy used to wait for the paper delivery.. in the end the paper just sat in the living room.and amma cancelled the subscription)

Anyway.. it was well known that chechy had the best english among all of us. Her grammar was perfect..her spelling was perfect..while I, a poor pityful student of Malayalam medium didn’t even know the difference between he or she!! let alone grammar.

Today, I received a one line email from someone who knows my family..who knows how good chechy’s english is..
The mail said
I have always known, your english is better than many!!

You know how it feels to finally hear that.. ( I know I am too old to feel like this..)
but though amma would never see anything good in me.. someone else did..and I am thrilled..feels like winning life’s lottery!

The parrots in my life had only one song to sing.
The job
the F@#@%%& job.
You don’t have job
you waste your time because you don’t have job
all your problems are because you don’t have a job.
Amma was the oldest parrot.. then my sisters joined the choir.. soon it has become A capella. Everyone joined the fray.

Taking care of the kids.. that is routine.
being there for the kids..that is routine
running a family all by myself.. that is bloody routine.

It was not having a job..they all found that was the cause of all my troubles
They figured Lack of job grants me plenty of time..
For you see, being a mother is a routine and it doesn’t tire you out. You get to sit in a throne all day and wave your wand and things happen magically..and you have free time.. plenty of free time.

Getting up at 6 Am, getting breakfast, snack and lunch ready by 6.45 for three kids with only a cup of tea for myself, then sending child 1 to school which is 16 km away in peak traffic and then coming home to pick the other 2 to and take them to their school, all the while hoping that they won’t be late.

Then come home, pick up the newspaper from the drive way, feed the chooks, make another cup of tea, read the paper quickly, because I volunteet at the school and need to be there by 10.
Before going to the school, start cleaning the house..but have to rush half way through to the school to help with the reading program.
Come home by 12, it is so bloody hot and am too tired to make lunch. So grab a slice of toast, continue with the cleaning.
In between check my mail
pay the bills
do the repairs that need to be done around the house
mow the lawn
time to pick the kids from school
go to the library
take them for swimming
or drop them at their friends for play date.
come home, get dinner ready.
Get the kids from their friends place.

Answer every time baby plays her violin.. every single song..”yes it was good” or “no, it was not good”.. ( you are my mother and you must listen to me playing and tell me how i did for each song.. trust me..all I want is to scream)

Then there is reading to do.. each of them wants me to read their project and give my opinion. They don’t wait. I am the super mom, who can read about aztecs one minute and simple machines next minute and be able to give an honest opinion for both.
Then we eat dinner..( my only meal for the day)
then we tidy up the kitchen. Do the laundry, hang the clothes, fold the clothes and put them away.
And I retire to my room hoping that I won’t have to read a story today. All I want is just be able to lay down on my bed and read.( but you always read for Yaya and Toothless!!!! ah the guilt trips!)
What everyone forgets that I play the bloody roll of the father, the mother, the grandmother, the grandfather, the aunt, the cousin, the friend and the repair man.
And yes.. I have plenty of time, that is why my life is in a mess.

So yes, I have decided to go to work. ini athintey kuravu venda..
Staring first of March I am working full time.

NB.. I hate reading what I write( have always been like this) and usually make an effort to type without spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
Since I was pretty zonked when i wrote this post, I read it to make sure that I haven’t actually written something objectionable..and noticed the mistakes. am too lazy to correct it.. so apologies..( not for zonking out though.. that was something I enjoyed..am now an ardent fan of strawberry daiquiri)

There is a monster in me. I know it is there and I am so helpless when it comes out..

I suffer from severe PMS and no one seems to understand it.
I have been told that I am using my PMS as an excuse.

I wish I could explain..

I am normally a very rational, calm person and all of a suddent I turn in to someone even I despise myself.
I get upset for every little thing.
I don’t think before I do anything
I shut myself out
I scream
I write letters full of vitriol
I drive so rashly that sometimes I am even scared to take the car out, cause there were times I have driven like a maniac.

But the worst is the anger.. it is like I am sitting on a pot over simmering fire..and any little thing is enough for me to burst..

My children have been living with me..and have learned to cope by ignoring me..
I know it isn’t fair to ask everyone in my life to understand that I go through this phase every month..
The hardest part is even when I know I suffer from PMS, there is nothing..absolutely nothing I can do to help me..

Two reasons for this post.
1. A friend of mine who knows Amma, asked me where she is and I was tired of hiding behind the truth and covering up for my family, told him I honestly don’t know, which led to how come? and I replied, we had our differences and his next statement was..”I hope you will iron out your differences with your mom, after all she is your mother!”

2. International women’s day ( I only remembered after reading the comment in the previous post!)

Do you know what I hate the most? It is the perception by everyone that “mothers, by virtue of being a mother have some sort of immunity because they carried you in their womb, gave birth to you and nurtured you. So that makes them holy and eligible for sainthood. Mothers can never be bad. NEVER. It is improbable that there are actually bad mothers..It is impossible that there are mothers who harm their children.

It is always the daughter that is wrong. She must have done something wrong and upset her mother!

Why don’t people think there are two sides to a coin?
Why do they assume that when it involves a mother and a daughter, it is the daughter who is always wrong?

Perhaps this international woman’s day.. while we glorify the achievements, strength and courage of our fellow women, do take a moment and consider..Not all mothers are good, holy sainthood materials..Just because you had the best mother on earth doesn’t mean that everyone is just as lucky as you… and please do give the daughter a break..She deserves it.

My grandmother once told me..the biggest enemy for a woman is another woman.

Isn’t that an irony?

Aren’t women supposed to be loving, caring, understanding..all encompassing goddess of good will on earth?

I thought life is pretty simple… that what goes around comes around…

Why then do we see manipulative conniving ones among our midst?

because they think they are smart?

because they think it is important to win?

Win at all cost?

Today I had a FB request from a friend I have known in my school days.

I think friend is a misnomer here..it should be an aquaintance.

She was studying in the englsh medium with an attitude to match..and I was in the malayalam medium with hardly any attitude to compare..

Then she joined the malayalam medium in the 9th std. She was in my class..I was a loner and all the students in my class had their own groups and like me she was excluded. I felt sorry for her and tried to be her friend. She was everything that I wasn’t.. she was very good in sports, when every time I threw the javellin the earth’s gravity suddenly increases.. ( there is actually a comic strip by calvin and hobbes about gravity. Here)Ok, I was digressing.. Anyway..I was glad to finally have a friend..I remembered to give her b’day card on her b’day.( still do), helped her with home work.. when she was sick and missed school when we were in 10th, I went to her house after school and gave her my notes, so she could copy them.

“Said one oyster to a neighboring oyster, ‘I have a very great pain within me. It is heavy and round and I am in distress.’ And the other oyster replied with haughty complacence, ‘Praise be to the heavens and to the sea, I have no pain within me. I am well and whole both within and without.’ At that moment a crab was passing by and heard the two oysters, and he said to the one who was well and whole both within and without, ‘Yes, you are well and whole; but the pain that your neighbor bears is a pearl of exceeding beauty.’”

Khalil Gibran..

Not really sure why I thought of the saying.. perhaps the pain I have gone through the past few days has been tremendous..and the result is..I need a publisher. I don’t know how to go about finding a publisher.. If you know anyone who can help me, please do mail me.

You will always see
what you want to see
You only hear
what you want to hear

And I like an idiot
hoped, prayed, dreamed
that you will see me
will hear my voice

What a fool I have been

Every road had a rainbow
And every wish had a star
Every tear had a shoulder to cry on
And every night had guitars
But every fool’s a lonely fool
And such a fool am I
‘Cause every night I think of you
And every night I die
Is there life after love?
Some things aren’t certain
But some things I’m sure of
Like angels in heaven
And God up above
But is there life after love