Roman god Janus has two heads facing opposite direction.

I have often thought about what would Janus be thinking looking at the road that he travelled and looking at the road ahead..

I do know that road ahead is not going to be easy,

But I know it will be ok if you are there by my side.

You touched my soul.

Thank you for all that you did for me.

Thank you for being there.

Thank you for the risks you took.

Thank you for loving me.

I can handle the traffic, the filth by the side of the road and the nosey neighbours/cousins..
but I really can’t handle shopping here.

All I wanted was to buy a saree for someone and I thought I would go to the biggest shop here.(So I can avoid the sales people)

As you enter the shop, you are met with a line of beauties, their only job is to greet you and ask what you are looking for..then they will call another decked up beauty who will guide you to the lift, take you up to the level where sarees are kept and hand you over to the next decked up beauty, who in turn will ask you again what you are looking for and pass you to another sales person.
Once you buy what you need, then you have to wait another 30 minutes before you can pay because the man manning the counter was talking to his friend. ,(You are still escorted by another beauty to the payment center and handed over to the next beauty)Then the man at the counter realizes that you are using an overseas credit card and he wants to write the card details on the slip(Why? I have no idea!)
Then you have to wait another 20 mints because the man misplaced the counter slip you have signed and has to rummage through all the slips in front of him till he found the right one.
Then you have to go to another counter to collect your shopping.Fortunately as soon as the payment is done, the beauties disappear and you are free to find your way out of the shop.

What I am used to is, go to the shop, read the floor information on the wall that lets you know which level has what I am looking for, take the lift/escalator to that level, look for what I need, pick it up, go to the check out (most often self check out) pay for the stuff and walk out.
I like to be in control. I don’t need to tell 100 people what I am looking for, I don’t want to feel obligated because the sales person has to open all the sarees and then will have to fold it back, I don’t want to answer if I am looking for anything else and I certainly don’t need to be escorted to the lift.

I was told that what I experienced was the ultimate customer service!!!

I am still trying to grapple with the ideology that forces people to do such mindless work in the name of ultimate customer satisfaction.

I can handle the traffic, the filth by the side of the road and the nosey neighbours/cousins.. but I really can’t handle shopping here.

All I wanted was to buy a saree for someone and I thought I would go to the biggest shop here.

As you enter the shop, you are met with a line of beuties, their only job is to greet you and ask what you are looking for..then they will call another decked up woman and she will guide you to the lift, take you up to the level where sarees are kept and hand you over to the next decked up beauty, who in turn will ask you again what you are looking for and pass you to another sales man

Finding my Shangri-La

I have been forever searching for my Shangri-La, but there was something missing in each of the place I thought was my corner in this world. In my Shangri-La everything was supposed to be perfect and in harmony. The sensible one in me knew there never can be place where everything is perfect! But that didn’t meant that I was going to stop searching. I had to find it. I felt in my heart that if I searched long enough, hard enough I will find my corner, where I can be at peace with myself, where I can be just me.

I never understood, if it was the actual journey, or the final goal of ultimately finding my Shangri-la or was itsomething else that fuelled my search.

Like Odesseus I have been journeying slaying my own personal demons and one eyed monsters enroute.. I was the nobody..

“Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years,
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
she has nothing more to give you.

and if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become,with so much experience,
You must already have understood What Ithaca means”
constantine cavafy

I woke up this morning feeling famished.
I went downstairs and was greeted by two people who opened their heart and home to me and gave me more parental love in the last 3 weeks than I ever got in my 39 years.

Amma, she didn’t criticize me for the way I tied the saree..She was delighted to see me wear a saree, She even found safety pins for me..
She made idli and coconut chutney for me because I had mentioned that it is my favourite breakfast. She saved Sambar for me, just in case i wanted to eat something in the middle of the night!

Appa, He has a PhD in English lit and asked me to help him find a word he was searching for..even though he knew I studied in Malayalam medium..!! He didn’t assume that I wouldn’t know..
He also explained to me me things I didn’t see in the Coleridge’s Rime of the ancient Mariner..

From nobody to somebody..

I came here with a list of things to do..
Never thinking that I will finally find my Shangri-La..

Ee uthradam nalil, ningal ellarkkum entey Onam ashamsakal

This trip to India was something I have been wanting to do for years..
I even had a list of things I was going to do..
I am here for another 10 more days.
So far I have done 10% of what I had planned to do. I should be disappointed. But I am not.
It feels like I finally managed to to put my life on pause..It was like a run away train until now.. I am so much at peace…

I have been reading..It is such a delight to go to the book shop and pay 250 Rs for the latest Paulo Coelho’s book. I can afford to buy all of Coelho’s books and still won’t have to rob the bank!

I even managed to read a malayalam novel, which is an achievement because I haven’t read a malayalam novel since 1986. I read Akamiyam by John E Abraham..(absolutely a brilliant book)

Now the most oddest thing I missed when I came to India is…
Bread !!!
Especially raisin toast.( I always hated bread and only ate it when I was really lazy to cook something, which happens very rarely.. Right now, I would love to have a nice cup of coffee and a raisin toast at Mackers!!)

Craziest thing I did in India..I learned to smoke!!
Will I be a smoker? time will tell..
( Eating my own words about why one shouldn’t smoke has been a pretty bitter experience though!)

This was a long pending trip that I promised myself i would do one day..and the one day was always like the Ganapathy’s wedding!!!

Finally I am doing what I promised myself..

In Kerala!!!!!!

Going through all the things I wanted to see once again..

25 years later..

I went back to my old school.

What I remembered was the long pathway lined with age old cassurina trees on either side..huge play ground..old boarding school building with white washed walls and windows painted brown..

What I saw was concrete jungles and car parks..gone were the cassurina trees..gone were the play grounds..

Now I am not really sure if I did the right thing to come back..Perhaps I should have just lived with the old memories..

Nyx has abandoned me the last few days..and in the past 72 hrs I have only slept for 8 hrs..though I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol, I feel totally drunk.

This post is going to be like confession of a drunk!

I have been trying to answer a question regarding unconditional love.

Is there such a thing as unconditional love?

Can you love someone unconditionally?

I read that God’s love is unconditional. I don’t think so. We have been taught to follow the rules, lest we make God angry!! and his punishment of eternal hell fire doesn’t tally with unconditional love.

What about a mother’s love?

Do I love my children unconditionally?

I love them to pieces, but is it unconditional?

Would I still love them the same way if they committed some heinous crime?

Probably not.

then I thought about true love.

True love, is it the same as unconditional love?

Perhaps to answer the above question, one needs to know what is true love?

How do one define true love?

In simple term, true love is love that is true when it comes to passion, intimacy, friendship and commitment. It encompasses all of what makes a relationship between a man and a woman and and molds that in to a healthy relationship.

Can one say I love you and truly mean it?

Yes, they can. When you truly love someone, you connect with them spiritually, intellectually and emotionally and not feel drained or missed out at the end of the day. You feel a sense of belonging. You don’t hunger for anything and feel a peace that you never found anywhere. It doesn’t mean that there would be no arguments, differences or disagreements. It means that one can work together through all the differences of opinion and still find a solution that both can agree to without feeling bitterness.

True love simply means an acceptance o all that is, has been, will be and will not be. It is true love that makes you take the risk of giving your heart to someone knowing very well that they could break it, but hoping and trusting that they won’t.

True love doesn’t come with options or choices. True love is love on its own, it is true at all times, it is constant even when everything around you is in constant motion.

It is the love that makes you open your heart, your mind and your soul and welcome the other with open arms.

There is passion, intimacy and commitment that makes one want to spend the rest of their life with the person whom they truly love.

It is true love when you can love someone because you want to and you are happy to do so. It comes with no conditions that require the other to do something or give something in return. When there are no conditions attached to it, then it is unconditional.

I hate it when I can’t really express what I feel

In my quest to find what is unconditional love, I ended up with true love and wrote this. ( I have used wiki extensively)

What do you all think?

Can you love someone unconditionally?