The me in all these

I am not sure where the me in all these gone!
I know I should rather I must find me.
But the trouble is that I know I won’t like the me I will find.
I keep saving a little of me telling myself that I am happy.
The price that I pay to keep whatever is left of me is huge.
I dare not ask myself if it is worth. for I know I will hate the answer.
A pretty golden cage is still a cage..
and I long for my freedom.
My freedom!
Alas.. there is no such thing as freedom. Is there?

As usual like every new year here I am wishing that I will be able to keep a little of the ‘me’
I wish all of you a year filled with peace and happiness.

She

She

How Do I introduce her?

I have been trying to think of a way to introduce her to you.

She was tiny and over the years she became tinier. She was chubby and because she was short, She hardly had a lap and I remember using her as a human slide every time she sat down. She used to psuh me off saying, you are too heavy.

She had a very soft voice. It was very hard to figure out when she was angry because even when she was angry, her voice was soft and gentle.

I have been trying to remember my oldest memory of her. Funnily enough my memories are all jumbled.

She was always giving in her own little ways.

We were not allowed to be closer to her. But she would sneak in once in a while. She bought me Ginger candies when I was about 6 years old. The candies were almost melting by the time she reached our home. She held them tightly because she didn’t want to lose them. She wanted us to have something and the only thing she could afford was the ginger candies.

She loved K J Yesudas

She was gullible.

I remember taking her for a parade presentation and there was a float depicting the crucification. I saw her crying saying ” Entey eshooney avaru kurishil kettiye!!

She loved to go to church every sunday. even the english service thought she didn’t know to speak English well.

She made the best sambar.

She smelled of a mix of neela brungathi oil and Johnson’s baby powder. ( Both she used in liberal doses)

she loved to tell me spooky stories.

She even used to make up stories to keep me quiet. One such story was about the peasant boy who fell in a well of Gold and became golden colour and finally married a princess and ruled a kingdom.

I loved to lay down next to her because she was soft and cuddly and because she was the only person who knew I could never sleep without covering my legs with a blanket and even in the peak of summer she would let me lay down next to her and cover both of us with a blanket!!

Eventually the family dynamics changed and She died a miullion deaths

From the matrirch she became the unwanted.

From a Proud home owner to a homeless.

From a proud mother of handsome sons to the cursed mother of selfish sons.

I am sure she died a million death when her sons abandoned her and when her daughters ignored her.

I used to write to her once a week..

When she knew I was expecting, she got someone to stitch few voil dresses and send them to me.

But it wasn’t