The afternoon lectures scheduled for Thursday were Microbiology and Community Medicine.
“Aparna who is teaching microbiology today? Dr. Gopal?”
My planner says Dr. Gopal. But sometimes before holidays there is a change of Schedules. Usually the lecturer would let the students know during the lesson and in my case I had missed Dr. Gopal’s lectures.( Not voluntarily!)
“Yep. It is Dr. Gopal”
Oh! That is good news!
I had to find Arjun.
I rushed to the canteen and send the canteen boy to find Arjun.
Arjun came a short while later
“What’s up?”
He looked worried.
“Dr. Gopal is teaching Micro today”
“So?” Arjun was looking at me as though I was going to get him in to some major trouble. I thought of smacking his head and tell him to trust me!
“He is going to throw me out right? The lecture after that is Community medicine”
I looked at Arjun hoping he would get the drift.
“So, if we skip Community lecture, then we can leave early!”
I wanted to go home early so I can tidy up the place before her highness Anitha comes for a visit.
“Oh yeah” Arjun finally got the message.
“Are you going to attend Dr. Gopal’s class?”
“Yeah. It will only take 10 minutes max.”
“Ok, I will meet you at the bus stop”
“Sure. Bye”
I rushed back to the hostel to pack my bag. I had to hide my bag somewhere near the lecture hall, so as soon as Dr. Gopal asks me to ‘Get out’ I can take the bag and leave. It will save me a trip all the way to the hostel.
I hid my bag under the table in Room 301.
Normally I have a folder with paper to pretend that I am a studious student and write down every single word the lecturer speak. I didn’t even bother to take my folder with me. Why should I struggle when the whole episode of attending a lecture lasts less than 10 minutes?
By the time I came down from the 3rd floor, Dr. Gopal was already in the class. Anitha was sitting in my favourite spot. I knew my classmate girls would have felt offended if I sat with any of them. So I walked up to the top of the Gallery and found a place next to the North Indian gang.
“Bhabi, going home?” Rupesh whispered quietly
“Yeah. Arjun is waiting near the bus stop”
Dr Gopal started to take the attendance and when it came to Arjun’s number I saw Rupesh getting up and saying
“Present sir”.
He sat down, looked at me and winked.
That probably was the moment I envied Arjun the most. I have always envied him for having a loving family, a nice mother and father who never fought, wonderful sisters who loved him for who he is. But that was nothing. To have a friend who was willing to risk suspension for giving proxy attendance was nothing but a blessing. Arjun had it all. He had everything I dreamed of.
When it came to my turn, I got up and said
“Yes sir” and sat down.
I checked my watch. 5 minutes after 2.
‘Hurry up’ I tried to will Dr. Gopal
“So where were we last time?” Dr. Gopal asked.
I thought he said Nina Thomas get out. I was almost getting up to leave when I saw Dr. Gopal standing next to Anitha and asking her something. Then Dr. Gopal took Anitha’s notes from the desk and was going through it.
“What is this I say” He was screaming.
“Get out, get out of my class”
Nobody knew what was going on.
“I am sorry sir” Anitha pleaded
Dr. Gopal threw her books on the ground and shrieked
“Get out of my class this instant”
I watched Anitha bending down to pick up her books from the floor. She turned around and looked at Dr. Gopal
“I am so sorry sir”
“OUT” Dr. Gopal pointed to the door.
Anitha walked out of the class with her head held so low, I felt sorry for her. I knew how terrible she must have been feeling. I had been in her shoes so many times.
“Let us learn about Clostridium”
“Eh?” I looked at Rupesh. He too was looking at me.
“What is going on?” I whispered
Rupesh shrugged his shoulder. He was as confused as me.
Perhaps Dr. Gopal had forgotten about me.
I sat up straight hoping he would notice me. He didn’t.
“Pass me a paper will ya?” I asked Rupesh. I didn’t want to get in to trouble for not taking lecture notes. When dr. Gopal turned to write on the board, Rupesh passed a paper to me.
“Pen?” I asked again
Rupesh shook his head disbelievingly. How often do you find a student attending a class without a pen or paper.
“No pen. eosin would do?”
He passed me his Eosin pencil and I started to write down the notes.
Little while later Rupesh pointed to the window and I saw Arjun standing near the bike park. He looked pretty restless.
I shook my head sadly.There was nothing else I could do. ( And I wanted Arjun to trust me!)
I will at least bunk community medicine. so he only have to wait an hour. I consoled myself.
As soon as Dr. Gopal left I ran down the steps.
There was a furore in the class because everyone wanted to know why Anitha got in to trouble. A part of me wanted to leave before the CM lecturer arrived. But curiosity got the better of me.
Anitha walked in with tear stained face. Her eyes looked so red.
“Oh Anitha don’t cry” Aparna got up and hugged her.
Soon everyone was busy consoling Anitha. In between all that I heard why Dr. Gopal got angry with her
Anitha had a tabular column in her folder showing how many times Dr. Gopal said the word through.
“How dare he throw me out. I didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who used the word ‘through’ all the time, so why is he getting angry with me?”Anitha sounded so angry.
“True, it was such a small issue. He didn’t have to throw you out for that” I heard Aparna speak.
I walked out of the class quietly.
I knew life was never fair. In my case I didn’teven deserve a life, let alone worry about fairness.
How else can you explain the unfairness in all these.
Why no one ever consoled me when I got thrown out of the class. Why no one ever saw that I didn’t do anything wrong?

All I ever wanted was for someone to love me and Arjun for sure loved me. That alone should have made me sing
“I am on the top of the world and looking down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world”
But I didn’t.
All I felt was guilt.
I shook my head hoping the feelings of guilt go away, I wanted to see the rainbow not the storm. But try as I might, I just couldn’t feel the happiness I was sure I deserved.
Achan kombathu
Amma varambathu
Maria avidey
Nina ividey”
Sensible one started to sing.
What was the point getting angry with her?
sathyathintey mugham Vikrutham. I could hear Baby Kochamma( Malayalam teacher) trying to teach us Malayalam idioms.

What was the difference between me and all my famous family members? Perhaps I had forgotten that every time I pointed my finger at them, I should have looked at myself.
I was in love with Beautiful Eyes and going out with Arjun and I had the temerity to judge my family members.

How did I get in to this mess?
How do I get out of this mess?

Snehicha hippiye…
Whoever would have thought a few lines in the 10th std autograph would become someone’s magic manthra in life!

Anitha was in my room when I came back to the hostel in the evening
“hey Nina, Are you going home for the holidays?” Anitha asked
I knew she would complain that I always answer a question with another question. I had to know why she was asking me that question because my answer depended entirely on the reason why she was asking me that.
“Why?” I asked
Anitha looked at me. I waited for her to start her complaint session.
“I have some shopping to do, so perhaps I thought I would come and visit you at your house.”
Entey ammo
Anitha wants to visit my house. That was not possible. Nobody visits my house.
There were lots of things she would find out if she visited me house. Most importantly how was I going to answer why my oldest sister is not staying with us when she is working in Bangalore?
“Oh I am so sorry Anitha, I am not going home this time. I have so much to study. I want to catch up on all the Pathology and Pharmacology”
Anitha looked at me as though I spoke Latin.
She knew I never studied few days before the actual exam.
But I didn’t care. She was not coming to my house.
“Oh that is sad. Anyway give me your house address. If I have time, I will visit your mom and say Hi”
How can I say I don’t know my own house address? Should I give her the wrong address? Nah, I still have another 3 years before I finish MBBS. I wouldn’t see the end of the day if I gave Anitha wrong address.
“But Anitha, My mom usually goes and visits my relatives, so she may not be home. You know how bored she gets staying at home and not doing anything. I tell you what, I will invite you the next time I go home and you can have lunch with us”
I hoped she will fall for the free lunch offer hook, line and sinker. I was just hoping to buy time.
“That is so sweet of you” Anitha mumbled
Sweet! Mannakatti Only I know what I go through. But I still smiled the sweetest smile befitting the sweet person that I am.
“But still, Give me your address. Anyway you stay close to MG road nah? I haven’t seen your mom for so long. If she isn’t there then I can always follow you the next time”.
Sheda! ethenthoru puli vala entey kadavuley.
Anitha tore a piece of paper from her notebook and fished out her pen from her coat pocket.
Perhaps she envisioned that I was planning to give the excuse that I had no paper or pen to write the exam.
Reluctantly I wrote the address in the most illegible handwriting I could do.
Anitha took the paper from my hand and before she could ask me anything I spoke
“I haven’t had tea yet. I am going to the mess. Bye Anitha” I started to walk out of the room quickly.
“Nina” Anitha called out
Should I pretend that I didn’t hear?
I continued to walk hoping she might notice that I didn’t hear her.
“Nina, wait” Anitha called.
“Ma’am. She is calling you” One of the junior girls pointed to the back.
I wanted to kill the junior girl. Why can’t people mind their own business? I stared at the girl. She looked at me bewildered.
pavam kochu. What did she do wrong” sensible one spoke.
“How many times I had to call you?” Anitha asked. She was already standing right next to me.
“Oh I am sorry Anitha, I didn’t hear you. You know when I concentrate on something, I don’t usually hear things.” I bluffed
I quickly though few things that I could use as an excuse in case Anitha asked me, what was I concentrating on?
Blood supply to the heart! Blood supply to the lower limb! Aiyyo all blood supply. I had to think of something else quick.
“Is this 16 or 10?” Anitha asked
“You address”.Anitha pointed to the piece of paper in her hand
I looked at the paper. Even I couldn’t read what was written.
“16” I replied reluctantly.
Anitha took the pen out of her coat pocket and started to write each line of the address legibly.
I stood next to her hoping she would make a mistake.
But that didn’t happen.
I knew I had no choice but to go home, even if that involved fighting with Amma and Liza and not having anything to eat.

Yaya is getting an award today and I won’t have time to come back home and blog..
Hope you all will have a super good weekend.
See ya all on Monday

“Why do you keep attending the Micro class when you know Dr. Gopal is going to throw you out?” Arjun asked
“simple. I won’t give him a chance to go to Princy and tell him that I have been skipping Micro classes”
“Can’t you see Arjun?As long as my attendance is marked present, there is no way Dr. Gopal can get me in to more trouble. He wants me to stop attending his class, so he can complain to Princy and get me in to bigger trouble”
“Wow. I have never even thought about it. Nina,How do you get to think like this?”
I laughed it off. How was I going to tell Arjun that my life is like a game of Chess. I have to see all of George’s moves before I do anything.
“hey guys, run. Princy is coming for a spot check” Few of the senior boys ran towards us and all of started to run up the stairs. When I reached the 3 rd floor, I remembered I wanted Princy to see me and ask my why I was sitting outside the class. It was too late to walk down to ground floor and besides Arjun didn’t have any excuse for bunking the class and I didn’t want him to get in to trouble
“Hurry Nina” Arjun spoke.
“Is there any class going on in room 301?” One of the seniors asked
“No” we both answered. It was the Class room for first year students and they were at the anatomy lab.
“Then we will hide there”
Arjun opened the door and all of us went inside and closed the door.
“What if Princy comes inside the room to check?”
I looked around the room. There wasn’t any hiding spot, Unless we hid under the table.
Our choices were obvious.
Arjun and I sat under a table at the back of the class.
I turned to look at Arjun.
He was grinning.
We both started to laugh.
Who would have thought studying for medicine included hiding under a desk?
“Shh” One of the seniors tried to hush us.
The room was stuffy and hot because the windows were closed and we forgot to switch on the fan. Hiding under the table didn’t help either.
“It is so hot” I whispered to Arjun
“Take off your coat” Arjun suggested.
There was not much room to move my arms and remove my lab coat. I was contemplating what I should do when I heard Arjun speak
“Here, let me help you”
It was a Mills and Boons moment.
The moment that makes you stop breathing and all the cells in your skin is hyper sensitive.

Little while later we heard the door being opened and we held our breath and waited.
It probably was the longest 10 seconds in my life. I knew any moment one of us might sneeze and Princy will find us and we all get suspended. I even imagined hiring a rental set of parents to bring with me when Princy wants to meet the parents.
We heard the sound of door being closed. I am sure everyone was waiting to sigh, but we had to make sure Princy actually wasn’t standing outside the door. So we waited what felt like a life time before one of the guys got up and slowly walked towards the door. He checked outside and gave the all clear sign.
Arjun got up first and gave me his hand and helped me up.
“hmmm hmmm hmmm, Arey wah!” One of the seniors noticed our hands and started to tease.
I pulled my hand free from Arjun’s grasp.
Ek Dujhe Ke liye” I heard someone say.
Soon enough someone was humming tere mere beech mein kaisaa hain ye bandhan anajaanaa…
“Come let us go, before we get ragged any further” Arjun held my waist and guided me towards the door.
The song now became
Akeley akeley kaham ja rahi ho.
We checked the corridor before walking out of the room.
“What is your plan for Vinayaka Chathurthi?” Arjun asked
“Nothing much”
“Going home?”
Before Arjun could ask why, I spoke quickly “Have to study” That obvoiusly was a lie. I wasn’t planning to go home because I didn’t want to fight with Amma.
“Ok, I will take you somewhere”
“Trust me will you. You will like it”
“Tell me where Arjun”
“You just have to wait my darling”
Oh! he called me darling! My body felt weightless and I was sure my feet weren’t touching the ground. Another Mills and Boon moment.

By week 2 I was already holding my books in my hand and was ready to leave as soon as Dr. Gopal called out my name. Dr. Gopal and I had already established a routine. He takes the attendance, calls out my name and asks me to leave and I nod my head and leave. I made it a point to stay right outside the class and as soon as Dr. Gopal leaves after the lecture, I go back to the class.

Each day I went to the library and read all the Microbiology text books and reference books. I knew no one would give me their lecture notes, so I could copy and I didn’t feel like begging. I had no choice but to read and figure out myself what Dr.Gopal must be teaching. But it wasn’t easy.
Each day as I walked back to the hostel, I looked to see if the familiar bike is there in the bike stand. I wondered where he was and how he was doing. He obviously didn’t write the exams in August. Perhaps he would write the exams in Jan. That means along with me! I will be writing (2nd MBBS) Part 1 exams in Jan.
Oh please, come back and write the exam. I just want to see you. I looked at the sky. There were few stars already.I missed spotting the first star, nevertheless I looked at the brightest star in the sky and closed my eyes and wished
Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight.

‘please call me baby’ I wished with all my heart.

I was about to open my room door when I heard Anitha’s voice
“You know in Malayalam we call it kandamrugathintey tholikkatti (thick skin). Nothing affects her right? Remember how she wrote the exams after getting those letters? I think those letters were true. If I had received such letters, there was no way I could have written the exam. I would have been shattered.”
I didn’t wait to hear the rest of the comments. I wanted a moment of peace. But where do I go? Everyone was in my room. I walked up the stairs to the terrace. There were no students in the terrace, that wasn’t surprising. Exams were still 6 months away and no one was out studying. I stood near the parapet. I could see the boys hostel in the distance. I heard someone talking and I looked down. Some of the seniors were talking and walking back from the mess. I realized I was standing on the 6th floor.
One jump.
That is all it would take to end this misery.
Would it hurt?
‘Of course it would hurt you nimwit’ Sensible one spoke
‘but it wouldn’t be as bad as what I go through right now’
‘And what do you gain?’ Sensible one spoke
‘Peace? hahahaha’ She laughed
‘Why are you laughing? Don’t you know death liberates you from all the misery?’
“Right. So what will you do when you are 6 feet under and George is laughing away to glory because he won?’
‘I will haunt him’ I spoke in jest. I loved the thought of haunting George. I would start with making him a cockroach pie!
But honestly she had a point. If I killed myself, George would have the last laugh. There was no way I was going to give him that satisfaction.
manussyane chakanum sammathikkathilla (can’t die also). My karma!

Unlike the first week where there was an absolute silence by second week when Dr. Gopal asked me to get out, most of the boys began to make noise as I left the class.
“Quiet” Dr. Gopal hissed and suddenly there was a pin drop silence in the class. I walked out quickly with my head held high because I knew I was gaining the support from my classmates. I went and sat on the stairs. I had brought along an English translation of Bhagavad Gita. Although I was showing a brave front in front of all my classmates, I was so afraid and miserable. It feels horrible to have to walk out of the class without doing anything wrong.
I needed courage and I hoped to find it in Gita. After all Arjuna too would have felt miserable when he knew his enemies were his friends and his family. I heard footsteps behind me and almost missed a heart beat.
Could it be Princy?
I turned to look and found Arjun walking towards me
“hey” he said
“What are you doing here?”
“Keeping you company” Arjun grinned
“Really Arjun! why did you bunk the class?”
“That idiot’s lecturers are boring” Arjun pointed to the classroom.
“Oh yeah. He has no idea what he is talking. Trust me, you aren’t missing a thing. The only English word he knows is ‘Through’. Everything is through this and through that. And his pronunciation is horrible. what is it with all you Mallu’s? Why do you say ‘Eggu’ for egg? One plate of Eggu Bhaji!” Arjun imitated the mallu way of talking
“I don’t say eggu.”
I hated the way Arjun laughs at others. He was always perfect. Everything about his family and friends were perfect.
“Yeah, but everyone else does. What are you reading?” Arjun snatched the book my hand. I tried to snatch the book back from him. He didn’t have to snatch, he just had to ask and I would have given the book to him.
“Bhagavad Gita? Why are you reading Bhagavad Gita?”
“Is there some law saying that I can’t?”
“But you are a Christian!”
“You should be reading Bible. This is a Hindu text. That reminds me, how come you don’t go to church? I have never seen you going to church”
I wanted to tell him that I don’t go to Church because I don’t believe in Christ. But somehow I felt I was betraying my people if I told him that. I wasn’t really sure who I was protecting. But I said
“I do go to church”

“Hey guys, coming for dinner?” Anitha pushed the door opened and entered my room. She looked around and then looked at me.
“Where is Aparna and Shylaja?” She asked
“They have gone for dinner”
I looked at her hoping that she might ask me to join her. I didn’t want to go to the mess alone, for I knew everyone would stare at me. By now everyone would have known about Dr. Gopal episode.
If she was looking for company then that means she too didn’t want to go to the mess alone. Anitha must have thought the same thing.
“I better hurry” She spoke and left without even bothering to close the door.
I got up to close the door and noticed few of the juniors standing outside and eating milk pedas.
It isn’t very often we get dessert with our meals at the hostel. That too beginning of the new semester. I looked at my watch. 8.10 PM. I figured If I don’t hurry, I may not get the sweets.
Anything for a bite of milk pedas! (kothichi paru) Even if it meant becoming the center of attraction at the mess hall.

Anitha, Aparna, Shylaja and few others were sitting at the corner table. Someone must have noticed me walking in and let the other know. Suddenly they were all too busy looking down on the food in their plate.
Making eye contact was dangerous. What if I saw the friendliness in their eyes and decided to join them?

I took my food and the milk peda and went and sat on the other side of the mess hall. There was an old kannada newspaper on the table and I took the paper, so I could read while I ate.
Sadly I didn’t know how to read kannada. Instead I looked at all the photos in the paper. There were few photos of Veerendra Patil, CM of Karnataka. I wondered if he too was in George’s pocket because George used to boast about Hegde, Patil’s predecessor being his puppet.
if the CM of Karnataka was in George’s pocket then what hope do I have?
I folded the paper quickly and kept it away. I didn’t want to think about unnecessary stuff that was surely going to spoil my mood.
But I couldn’t stop thinking.
George and Gopal Vs Nina Thomas.
I wondered how old Dr. Gopal was. Probably in his mid 40’s. That meant he would be teaching at least for another 15 years before he retires.
19 + 15.
I will be 34 before I pass 2nd year MBBS.
I pushed the plate away, took the sweet from my plate and walked out of the mess.
My world was ending. I had no future if I don’t pass medicine. My father was not going to pay for my never ending education, if I have to wait for Dr. Gopal to retire.
How was I going to get out of this mess?
Should I go and see him tomorrow and ask him why he was treating me like this?
Nah, that is what he and George wants me to do.
They want to see me begging.
But I was Methran Thambi’s grand daughter. We never beg.
“Nina Thomas phone call for you” I heard someone shouting.
Phone call for me?
There was only one person who called me at this time. I ran as though my feet were on fire. My heart was pounding with excitement. There was so much I needed to tell him. But first I will apologize for all the misunderstanding, I thought. I will skip the class tomorrow. To hell with Dr.V.D.N and surgical rounds.
I picked up the phone and said the most Cheery “Hello”
There was a few seconds silence
nee evidarunnu ethrem neram ( where were you till now)?”
“Where did you go? vallavanteyum koodey karanggi thendi nadanno. This is the third time I am calling you”
“What do you want Amma?”
There was no point trying to explain to my doubting mother that I just went to the mess to have my dinner. Besides where I go or what I do was none of her business.
“Why is your voice sound different? Were you crying? Is everything ok?”
“What do you want Amma?” I screamed.
I didn’t want to scream at her. I wanted to tell her what I was going through. I wanted to tell her What her wonderful brother is doing to me. But for all I knew, her wonderful brother could be the one who was making her phone me. Just to check how broken I was.
“Scream at your mother. That is all you are good for”
I didn’t reply. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere.
“Did you get money from Appa?”
“No, Why?”
” Milkman is also asking for last month’s money. He may not give us milk if we don’t pay and you are a doctor and you know your sister needs to drink milk, if she has to excel in sports “
athinu njan enna venam ( why is it my business)?” I was so angry. Where was I going to get the money to pay all these expenses?
Why do I have to pay? Parents are supposed to provide for their children. Not the other way around.
“How dare you talk like that? You also drank the milk. How many times you made tea when you were here for your holidays? ellam anggu marannu alley? ninney okkey prasavicha enney venam thallan (I should be beaten for giving birth to ungrateful wretches like you)”
“I am not working Amma. Why don’t you ask Chechy for money?”
athonnum enney kondu pattathilla.( I simply can’t do it).Phone bill is going up. Bye”
Amma put the phone down.
I kept the receiver back on the cradle and leaned against the wall.

Methran Thambi’s grand daughter now had to beg money from Arjun not only to pay for the milk, but also for the phone call her mother just made. That too would be on my account at the phone booth.

Re evaluating

When my son had pneumonia, I remember thinking that if he recovers, I will cherish every moment of my children’s life..

That was 5 years ago.

When we came to Canada, we met this East Indian lady at the school. She is a single mom in her late 40’s with a daughter the same age as my son. Her daughter used to come to school wearing a barbie tiara and if everyone wore white dress for school concert, her daughter wore a different colour. During a Halloween party, she was sitting across me and I watched her forcing her daughter to eat cheese and Pizza and the child kept saying I had enough Mom. I know I had no right to judge her, but I was annoyed with her because I felt sorry for the child. (I was sure she was suffering from alpanu panam kittiyal syndrome and her child was paying the price)

I had not seen her since the school reopened and assumed she must have moved elsewhere.

I saw her again two days ago. Someone was assisting her to get out of the car. I thought perhaps she had broken her leg. Then I noticed her face. She was showing classic signs of facial paralysis. I saw her struggling to hold on to the walker and trying to walk. Later I learned that she had a massive stroke few months ago, can no longer talk, has severe memory loss and her daughter is now taken care of by a family member.

Then Mathias passed away. He was the same age as my son. He had won 82 trophies (BMX races) before he was diagnosed with Brain tumor. I remember seeing all the trophies in Mathias’s room and thinking( I knew I was wrong to think like this, but I did) if my son would ever win trophies like this.

In between all these, I was my usual self, screaming, nagging and shouting at my kids. I like to live in a clean house and much as I try, my house still looks like Katrina and Ike had been staying with us.
I wanted them to take their lunch bag out of the bag and keep in the sink when they come back from school. I wanted them to put their shoes on the shoe rack( Oh by the way, this morning my youngest was frantically searching for her missing runners and was forced to wear her brother’s spider man shoes to school!), hang their jacket on coats rack etc etc

( I wanted a home like the ‘Little women” a happy home where everyone does their share of the work)

Now I wonder
If anything happens to me tomorrow, what would my children remember the most?
Would they think how much their mother nagged them?

Why does some one’s impression of me having a messy house bother me so much?

And what happened to my idea of cherishing every moment of my children’s lives? Did that include a home that is spick and span, shoes on the shoe rack and jackets hung on the coats rack? or was that all about giving them a carefree childhood.

I will be busy the next couple of days. (will update the blog on Monday).

Breaking news from the evening standard gossip at the ladies hostel was Nina Thomas and the Malayalee professor Dr. Gopal.
Everyone wanted to know why Dr. Gopal threw Nina Thomas out of the class, but no one bothered to ask me.
It felt odd when everyone is talking about you and you are completely excluded from the discussion.
But what was I going to say even if someone asked me?
That my own uncle did this?
So far madness was the only illness I didn’t seem to suffer from. But with an admission that ones own family is doing such heinous crimes was surely considered the classic sign of a mentally deranged person.
I was already wearing the crowns of ‘flirt’ ‘prostitute’ ‘pezha’ etc. Didn’t want to add yet another crown to my already burdened head.
I couldn’t face anyone, so I went to my room and lay down. My mind wasn’t calm and I couldn’t read. Staring at the ceiling too became tedious after a while. I wished I could do something to while away the time.
But that was the problem. I didn’t know to do anything. Every free moment I had, I was busy reading. I wished I had learned to do some art and craft thingy, like knitting or Crochet. Then I remembered Amma sitting down on my bed and knitting the grey colour scarf for the love of her life.
What makes a woman do such a thing?
How can anyone keep loving someone who is destroying her own family? How can my own mother love a man who was out to destroy her own daughter’s life? I wanted to take the biggest rock I could find and smash Amma’s head.
I was that angry.
I could almost see the entire women folk of India pointing their finger at me and crying for blood, if I had done such a thing. Every single person would have felt sorry for my mother and her bad luck of giving birth to a monster child like me.
After all my mother carried me for 9 whole months, gave birth to me, nurtured me and I the ungrateful, mean, nasty daughter wanted to kill her?

How horrible!

Who was there for me?
Who among you would have spend a minute and tried to think what would have made a daughter wanting to kill her own mother?

“Aparna, shall we go for dinner?” I heard Shylaja ask
She said Aparna’s name loud enough so I would know I wasn’t invited. They didn’t want anything to do with me. They didn’t want to jeopardise their future by associating with me. So many students fail each year because they crossed the path with the professors. Everyone wanted to be in the good books of professors.
I couldn’t blame them.

But the feeling, the one where you are stuck in a quick stand and all you wanted is to breath, have you ever felt that?
Do you know how it feels?
Do you know how it feels, when you are punished for something you didn’t do? Not once, not twice, not thrice. Over and over and over. And the worst part? It is your own family that is making you drown and there is nothing you can do.