I so very badly wanted to read a novel, just to take my mind off from all that was bothering me. I contemplated if I should study or read a novel. I felt anyway I was going to fail Pharmacology exam, so what difference would it make if I pass Patho and Micro? Right?
I chose to read a novel. I knew Amma would be mad if she found me reading a novel instead of studying and I knew I should hide the novel inside my text book and read.
But I had enough of hiding.
From now on I am going to be honest in everything I do or say. I promised myself.
I took the novel and lay down on my bed to read. Every now and then I noticed Amma walking therey parey ( ?Across)the room and I knew she would notice the novel in my hand and it would freak her out.
I mentally prepared myself for the war.
Ka mate, ka mate! ka ora! ka ora!
Ka mate! ka mate! ka ora! ka ora!
(I may die, I may die! or I may live, I may live.)
Haka Chant
I intended to tell my Amma that it is my life and I will live it the way I want to. If wanted to read a novel the day before my exams, I will. I am old enough to vote in this country and I am old enough to decide what I want to do with my life.
I waited and waited for Amma to yell at me.
But nothing happened.
May be Amma didn’t notice the novel in my hand.
Eventually, I realized that I was reading the same sentence over and over. I felt incredibly stupid for the way I was behaving.
I better study, I told myself and was just about to get up when Amma came and stood next to my bed. Instantly I tried to hide the novel under my blanket. I had forgotten all about Ka Mate Ka Mate, Ka Ora Ka Ora.
I looked at Amma to see if she noticed me hiding the novel.
“Why are you trying to hide the novel?” Amma asked
“You saw?” I asked her sheepishly
“You think I am blind?” Amma asked
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why should I? It is your life! What difference would it make to me if you pass or fail? eh?” Amma shrugged her shoulders.
I didn’t reply.
Few moments ago I wanted to fight with her and tell her that it is my life and I will do what ever I want, yet when Amma showed absolutely no interest in my life, I was lost.
I wanted her to. I was her daughter. I wanted her to show interest in my life.
I didn’t know why I was feeling this way. I looked at Amma again to see if she understood what I was going through. She didn’t seem to.
“Did Appa say anything about your sisters?” Amma asked
“Like what?” I asked
“Did he ask anything about Chechy?”
“no”
“Anything about Acha?”
“no”
“hmm” Amma sighed
I wasn’t sure of that was a sigh of relief. I looked at her eyes to see if I could read her mind. There was no expression on her face. My mother always had a stoic face and I never knew when she was happy or sad.
Amma turned to walk back to the kitchen, then I remembered something
“Amma, Appa agreed to pay for Sally’s school fees”
“huh? How?”
“I told him it is better that Sally study in Bangalore”
“You told him she is studying in Bangalore? How could you be so stupid Nina?” Amma was yelling
“Can you listen to the whole thing before you scream at me?” I yelled
Amma was silent for a moment and was staring at me. Before she started the next session of yelling, I spoke
“I told him, now that all three of us are in Bangalore, it is better that Sally too study here. Then Appa asked where she would stay. I knew Appa would be happy if Sally didn’t stay with you, so I told him, I can get a paying guest accommodation for her in Bangalore”
“And your father believed you?”
“hmm”
Only then I realized what I had done. My heart felt so heavy thinking of what I had done to my own father. I had lied to him before, but never cheated him. I knew Appa was never going to forgive me when he eventually learned the truth. I didn’t want to be a liar and cheat like Amma. But I was turning out to be one.
I just wanted my darn life to give me a chance to undo all the damages I was inflicting on everyone around me. But there was no redemption for me, was there?
I am supposed to take care of a mother and two sisters. How was I supposed to do that when I had no income?
I hated Ammachi, Appa, Amma and Maria. If each of them did what they were supposed to do, at least I could have lived my life without worrying about my karma.
But more than everyone else, I hated the me, the liar and the two timing bitch.