I was at the mess hall having my tea. The tea was very hot, so I placed it back on the table to let it cool, I noticed a senior wearing white coat and a steth in her pocket walking towards me.
I stood up and sang the anthem.
“Are you a Malayalee?” She asked me
“Yes Ma’am”
“Senior boys wants to meet all the junior malayalee girls at 17 hours. Go and pass the message to your classmates”
“Yes Ma’am”
I sat down to finish my tea. Something made me look up and the way the senior was staring at me, made me leave my untouched tea and walk back to the hostel.
In the morning, during introduction, I noticed that there were 7 girls from Kerala. I was relieved to learn that not one person is from Kottayam.
I was aware of my mother’s reputation and was afraid of being chastised by my own classmates.
I knew one of the girls is staying next to my room, so I went and knocked the door.
Anitha opened the door. I learned in the morning that Anitha is from Cochin and that both her parents are doctors.
“Senior boys wants to meet all the Malayalee juniors at 5pm in the canteen” I spoke
“Oh god! Now what? Why do you think they want to see us?” Anitha asked me.
“Don’t know” I shook my head. “Will you tell the others?” I asked her
She nodded her head and said “yes”
I went back to my room.
I thought Anitha would call me before they went to the canteen and waited in my room. 5 Minutes to 5 o clock, there was still no sign of Anitha. So I went to her room again and knocked the door. Anitha’s room mate opened the door.
“Where is Anitha?” I asked
“She is already gone to the canteen with the Malayalee girls”
I didn’t know, what is wrong with me. Why can’t I fit in among the girls. With a heavy heart I walked to the canteen.
“Hello Kottayam” I could hear, seniors guys calling out as I walked in to the canteen. I had no choice but to ignore.
I found Anitha and the gang sitting in the corner with the seniors. One of them wearing spectacles looked up.
“So Ms, Kottayam, I heard that your father is very famous” He asked
“No” I shook my head.
“Ain’t you ‘xyz’s daughter?”
“No. He is my uncle”
“Oh Uncle ah?” he nudged the guy next to him.” Eda, he is only her uncle. He can’t do anything, if we ragged her. Next time get the correct information!”
“Ms. Kottayam, your duty is to find what is Khazarvan and tell us the answer same time tomorrow. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir” I replied
“Who is Nina?” I watched a senior entering the canteen and asking.
“Me”. I slowly got up. Everyone in the canteen was staring at me and I suddenly felt very scared.
“You have a visitor” He announced
I started to walk slowly towards the canteen door. The only thing that went through my head was ‘how will I escape?’ Of all the dumb things I have ever done, why did I have to call him? How could I be so stupid?. He would have used the dissection set as an excuse to come and pay me a visit.
By the time I reached the canteen entrance, everyone was staring at me. Some of them were looking through the window to see who my visitor was. I looked at the guys standing near the entrance. I wanted to shout and scream and say ‘help me’. But no words came out.
From the entrance, I could see the police jeep. I looked for the car. There was no sign of the car. Where could he be? I started to look left and right frantically. Meanwhile the police man from the jeep got down, greeted me and marched towards me.
I wanted to run, but my legs were bolted to the ground.
“Ma’am boss send these for you”
He handed me a big gunny sack and a small plastic bag. I watched him going back to the jeep and starting the jeep. I watched the jeep disappearing in to the main road. I looked around me. I couldn’t believe that ‘he’ really didn’t come.

Only then I remembered the parcels in my hand. What did ‘he’ send me? The gunny sack was heavy and I knew something wasn’t right. I was afraid to open the gunny sack in the canteen. Though I knew I would be disobeying the seniors by going back to the hostel without saying bye to them, I couldn’t risk opening the gunny sack infront of them. So I walked back to the hostel. I could see people were staring at me and talking about me. It isn’t often that a police man acts as a courier.
When I reached my room, I was relieved to see that both my room mates weren’t inside. I closed the door. I sat on my bed and opened the small plastic bag. It was a dissection set. What was in the gunny sack?
The sack was stiched on the top and I used my nail to untie. I broke my nails while trying to pry open the knots. I was so mad at myself and I remembered my dissection set. Using the scalpel, I removed the stitches. I opened the gunny sack and looked inside.
Right on top was the human skull, with the jaw wide open, hollow eyes and I wanted to scream. I stared at the skull.
‘He’has send me an entire bone set, without me asking him. The voice in my head kept telling me this was a ploy to scare me. But I knew him.
‘He’ has always boasted about how he uses his power to ‘fix’ things up for those needed fixing, even giving orderes to police to change FIR, to save people who needs to be saved.*
Was he trying to tell me something? Was he trying to tell me that, I too would end up in a gunny sack?
I heard someone knocking my door and went to open it. Shylaja saw the gunny sack on my bed and came to investigate.
“Oh my god!. you got the whole bone set! How did you manage to get this Nina?” She started to take the bones out of the gunny sack.
“My uncle send” I murmered
“You are so lucky Nina. I wish I had a famous uncle like you Nina” She said wishfully.
I didn’t respond.
*over the years I have lived with the knowledge that, there is a father and mother living some where in Kerala, who lost their son( he was studying in JJM Medical college) in a bike accident in the early 80’s in Davangere and never knew the truth about what happend to their son.
They were told that, their son was riding the bike at the time of accident. The truth is, their son was the pillion rider and certain powerful people have changed the FIR report to save the person who rode the bike that day.

Monday 8th of August was the big day. I woke up early, had my bath and stood infront of my cupboard trying to figure out which saree I should wear. I didn’t like any of the sarees Maria bought for me. I picked the light green saree with light pink flowers on it. I opened the saree and tried to wear it. I couldn’t get the pleats right. Every time I folded the pleats, it became either too big or too small. Aparna’s mother was watching me.
“Nina come here” She called
I lifted the saree from the floor and dragged my feet and walked to where she was standing. She was laughing
“You never wore a saree before?”
“only once, 3 years ago”
She showed me how to fold the pleats and helped me to tuck the pleats inside the skirt.
Shylaja and Aparna wore salwars and I didn’t understand why Maria insisted that I wear sarees. Together we walked to the mess hall to have our breakfast. We saw a lady standing near the main door and speaking to someone out side
“Senior” Shylaja whispered
Quickly we placed our hands on the chest and sang
“Oh mighty mighty senior
I am a dirty dirty junior”
The stunned ‘senior’ turned around and looked at us. She started to mutter
“Aiyyo Amma, I clean the rooms here”
Without another word we ran out. Breakfast was poori masala and we found a place to sit. Every few seconds all the juniors would get up and sing the anthem as the seniors arrived one by one to eat breakfast. The messwalah and his assistants were laughing at us. We ignored them.
After breakfast we went back to the room to wear our white coat and go to the class.
It felt so good to wear the white coat. I could see myself being transformed in to a new person. Shylaja was the first to be ready and she opened the door to go out.
“Hurry up guys, we will be late”
I was just about to leave and noticed Aparna bending down and touching her mother’s feet. Her mother had tears in her eyes. I wanted to touch her feet too. I desperately wanted a mother’s blessings. But the thing about life is that, you can’t borrow or buy a mother.
“Bye Amma” Aparna spoke
“Bye Amma” I too said my bye to her.
My mother should have been here, seeing me going for my classes wearing the white coat. Was it my destiny or was it her destiny that it didn’t happen?

There were lots of people outside our classroom. Even the boys were dropped to the college by their parents. Aparan’s family( father, uncle aunty grandmother and cousins) too was waiting for her there. I watched each of them hugging her and wishing her good luck.
Entire morning went with professors introducing themselves and telling us, what they expect from each of us. Finally one professor spoke
“We will begin our dissection class tomorrow. All of you must bring your dissection set with you. Those who don’t bring their set, don’t bother to come for the lessons. Understand?” He screamed.
Shylaja was sitting next to me
“What is dissection set?” I asked her
“tools for Anatomy dissection”
“Do you have one?” I asked her
“yes, I bought it yesterday”
“How did you know, you needed one?”
“They gave the list of all the things you need, when you came right?”
I wanted to kill Maria. She would have known and didn’t buy it, so I would get in to trouble.
“How much is the set?”
“65Rs”
I looked at Shylaja stunned. Where am I going to get 65 Rs to buy the set? I thought of calling Appa and asking for money. But even that would take time. There is no way Appa can send money by tomorrow morning, besides what would I tell him, when he asks to speak with Maria.
There was only one thing I could do. I walked to the principal’s office. He had some visitors in his room, so I waited outside. When they left, I walked in.
He raised his eyebrows and looked at me
“Nina, ‘xyz’s Niece” I hoped he would remember me
“Oh yes” He nodded his head. “What can I do for you?”
“Can I please make a phone call?”
He looked at me trying to figure out, why I came to his office asking to make a phone call, when there is a phone booth in my hostel. I wasn’t going to tell him that, I don’t even have 50 paise to make a local call.
He rang the bell on his table and when the peon came he told him
“Take her to the admin office. Tell Mariappa, I have authorized her to make a phone call”
“Thank you sir” I thanked him and followed the peon to the admin office
I watched the peon and Mariappa talking in Kannada. I didn’t understand anything. Mariappa looked at me and asked
“What is the number?”
“I will dial” I told him
Mariappa didn’t like it. He pushed the phone towards me
“Make it short” he ordered.
‘poda marathalaya..onathinte edela poottu kachodam’. I glared at him.
I dialled the direct line number. I heard him saying
“Hello”
“can I speak to Maria?” I asked
“Oh Kochumaharani! Why Kochumaharani, you called my direct line and pretending that you want to speak with your sister? You missed me, isn’t that why you are calling. By the way from where are you calling?”
I knew he can see the number on his caller ID. His private line shows caller ID. I wasn’t going to tell him from where I called, cause I knew as soon as I put the phone down, he will dial the number and I wanted Mariappa to handle him.
“Can I please speak to Maria?” I asked again
“She isn’t here Kochumaharani”
“I need to speak to her”
“Well, I can’t help you darling”
I moved the phone away from my ears. I didn’t want that ‘darling’ to touch any part of my body. I looked up and found Mariappa staring at me listening to the conversations. I didn’t know what to do.
“I need a dissection kit”
“Oh! When?”
“Tomorrow morning”
“ok. I will send it with one of my officers this evening. Oh by the way darling, I am going to Switzerland next week. I will visit you when I come back by the end of this month. Wait for me. Ok? Oh and wear the blue saree with zari border, I bought for you.”
I quikly put the phone down. I had 23 days to plan my escape.

I was extremely hungry, but I didn’t know where the mess was and I didn’t know how to ask for help in english. I didn’t have lunch yesterday because my wonderful mother cooked fish head curry, I didn’t have dinner because Maria decided to buy ela choru at the Palghat station and I didn’t feel like eating it. I wanted to eat Appam and egg curry, she decided to buy what she wanted. I was a stupid child with a humongous ego and refused to eat the ela choru. I didn’t have any breakfast either because we came to the college straight from the railway station.
I opened my bags and started to unpack. I was afraid that, my pickle bottles would have broken, when Appa threw my bags. Fortunately for me, the horlicks bottles were still intact. I looked at the bottles. One bottle had fish pickle and the other bottle had coconut chutney. I realized I had no spoon, no fork, not even a plate with me. I got up and closed the door. I opened the fish pickle bottle. Using my fingers I scooped up the pieces of fish from the bottle and ate. The oil in the pickle was dripping from my hand and I started to cry. I felt I was just like a urchins in the railway stations, going through the echil(thrash) and scooping up anything that is edible. and in their hurry to eat, dropping the food all around them and making a mess.
I hated my fate. Here I am, in a medical college hostel, away from everyone I know, even my own sister betrayed me and I knew there is lunch for me somewhere in that hostel and I just didn’t know how to find it.

I used my left hand and closed the pickle bottle, so the oil in my right hand won’t dirty the cap. I used the newspaper Amma had used to wrap the pickle bottle to wipe my hand. I looked at the paper. It was an old Malayala Manorama news paper. The only link I had with my home and now I have succesfully dirtied it. I hated myself for being so helpless and useless. I felt my mother was right all along. I was simply not good enough.

I heard someone knocking my door and I opened the door.
“Hi, my name is Aparna. I am your room mate”
I looked at the girl infront of me. She wore a beautiful green salwar and she had very long hair. She looked so pretty.
“This is my mother,my father, my grandmother, my uncle and my aunty.” “They are my cousins” She pointed to 2 girls and 3 boys.
“My name is Nina” I replied, hoping that the grammer is correct
“Where are you from?” Her mother asked me
“Kottayam” I replied
“Malayalee ah?” Her grandmother asked
“hmm” I nodded my head.
I heard the grandmother speaking in Tamil to her grand daughter,”make sure you lock your cupboards at all times. You can’t trust any of them”
I thought of telling her in Tamil that I don’t need any of her grand daughter’s stuff.
My quiet room suddenly turned in to a battle zone. I watched all her cousins and aunty and uncle sitting on my bed. I sat on my chair and watched them.
“Where are your parents Nina?” Her mother asked, while she nailed a picture of Lord Krishna on the wall
“Home” I replied
“oh. Are they working?”
“Yes”
“Where?”
“Amma telephones, Appa Dubai”
“Oh Gulf Malayalee ah?”
I wasn’t sure if I should be proud to be a Gulf Malayalee or not. I didn’t respond.
“What kind of work your father do?”
“He works for British government” I have heard my mother tell that dialogue a thousand times and it came naturally out of my mouth.
“oh”
The word British somehow changed the attitude of everyone in the room. I felt there was after all some benefit to having a useless father, if he worked for her Majesty.
Short while later, my second room mate arrived.
“Hi I am Shylaja. I am from Bangalore”
“Nina, from Kottayam”
“Aparna from Salem”
“This is my mother and this is my aunty. My father passed away when I was little”
I looked at her mother. A very simple lady. She had a cute nose ring. She smiled at me sweetly. I wished, fate would do some magic and give me a new mother.
I thought of telling Shylaja, I have everyone alive in this world, yet I have no one. So you are better than me. Atleast you can tell everyone that your father is dead. How can I do that, when mine is alive?
Aparna’s mother decided to stay the night at the hostel, while the rest of her family decided to stay at the hotel nearby.
I watched Shylaja convincing her mother to go back home and that she is fine on her own.
“Can we go and eat our dinner?” Shylaja asked after her mother left
“ok” Aparna and I replied
“What about your mother?” Shylaja asked Aparna
“My father will bring food for her later”
“Oh ok”
I watched Shylaja going out and asking the cleaning lady, where the hostel mess is and we followed her.
Just as we reached the main door of the hostel, we heard
“hey Juniors, where is your anthem?” We turned around to face three scary looking seniors.
“What anthem?” Shylaja asked
“You have not learned yet?” One wearing a soda glass spectacle shook her head as though we have committed a major crime
The second one in pink salwar came close to us. She looked so angry. My heart was beating non stop.
“Every time you see a senior, you will stand in attention, place your right hand across your chest and sing at the top of your voice”
“Oh, mighty mighty senior
I am a dirty dirty junior”
“Ok” We replied feebly
“What ok? You guys blind and deaf? Didn’t you hear what we just told you?”
Three of us looked at the demons infront of us, trying to understand what they were saying
“you stupid. SING” Screamed the third one
Quickly my hand went across my chest and I stood in attention and together we belted out our first song of the evening. As soon as we finished the song we turned to walk
“Where are you going?” We heard one of them asking
“Dinner” Shylaja replied
“Did you hear what we just told you? How do idiots like you get admission for medicine?
We didn’t answer.
“Did you hear that, you have to sing the song every time you see your senior?” One of them came to me and removed my spectacles.” This is not powerful enough for you? Can’t you see there are three of us here?” She pushed my spectacles back on my face
I watched Aparna and Shylaja standing in attention and I quickly followed them.We sang the songs three times. One for each of them
“Why did you sing four times?” “Is there someone else here?” The one wearing pink salwar turned around to look.
” We sang one song for each of you” Shylaja replied
“You sang four times, there are only three of us here. Now take back the extra song you sang”
We didn’t reply. There was no way we could take back the song.
“Do you know what is the punishment for disobedience?”
We shook our head
“Three of you will go to the library tomorrow and count all the books there. Don’t even try to cheat. We know the librarian and he has already told us how many books are there in the library”
“What if someone borrowed a book?” Shylaja asked
“You are talking back to a senior? How dare you? You are supposed to do what you have been asked. You will be punished for your audacity. You will come to room number 321 this evening. Do you understand that?” Screamed the pink salwar demon.
Shylaja was about to cry and I pulled her and started to walk. On the way to the mess hall, everytime we met a stranger, we stood in attention and sang the anthem. We even sang for some of the juniors as we didn’t know who was a senior and who was a junior.
That evening all the juniors had to meet the seniors at the basket ball court. We were asked to sit in a circle. Boys on one side and the girls on the other side. I sat next to Shylaja. Aparna had already met other tamilian students and was with them.
One senior boy stood in the middle and spoke
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, stupids and idiots, welcome to the medical college. This is your home for the next 5 years. For most of you, more than 5 years” He pointed to us.
“We expect absolute obedience, loyalty and respect from our juniors”
“hear hear” clapped all the seniors.
First let us start today’s session. Each of you will introduce yourself. Start with the boys”
I watched each student getting up, standing in attention and saying the name and the place. Eventually it was Shylaja’s turn, She got up, stood in attention and spoke, “Shylaja, from Bangalore”
It was my turn next. I got up, stood in attention and spoke
“Kottayam, from Nina”

As the train reached Malur station, I got up and went to brush my teeth. Maria was still asleep when I came back. I wasn’t sure if I should wake her up or not, but I desperately wanted a cup of coffee and I had not a single paise with me.

I watched the lady in the next berth waking her husband and son and telling them
“veedethi”(reached home). I looked outside, the train was just pulling in to K R Puram station.
“Which station?” Her husband was trying to read the sign board.
“Krishnaraja Puram” She replied
She was already taking her bags from under the seat. I watched her helping her son to get down from the middle berth.
“Chaya, Chaya chaya” tea seller with a huge Aluminium dispenser entered the train. I looked at Maria. She was still asleep.
“One tea” Called the man, who was still sitting down on the top berth. I watched the tea seller pouring a hot cup of tea in a white plastic cup and giving it to the man. I looked at his wife. She didn’t order any tea. May be she too like me has no money.
“Amma I am cold” her son replied
“Here , use my shawl” She handed her brown shawl to her son. She used the end of her saree and wrapped herself to protect her from the morning chill.
“Here, throw the cup” her husband leaned down from the top of his berth and gave the empty cup to his wife.
She crushed the cup with her hands and threw it out through the window.
When the train reached Cantonment station, Mother and the son worked together and pulled and pushed all the bags and carried it to the platform and only then did her husband got down from his berth. Why does a woman continue to live with a moron? I had no idea
“Maria, wake up” I shook her.
“Where are we now?” She asked
“We just passed Cantonment station.”
“Oh ok”
My sister looked really happy. She quickly went to brush her teeth, she changed her clothes and was wearing make up. I looked outside. Bangalore city was just waking up. Streets were getting filled with buses and cars. There was a funny ache in my heart. As the train went over the overhead bridges(a sure sign that you reached the urban areas), I started to feel more scared. I knew we are just about to reach Bangalore station and that I was so close to achieving my dreams, but I didn’t feel the excitement, instead I was more scared than before.

“Maria, can you help me to carry the bags?” I was planning to get all the bags near the the compartment door, so it is easy to get out of the train.
“Nah, leave it. We will get a porter”
“Oh ok”
When the train reached the Bangalore station, I looked outside, hoping to call a porter and I realized I have willingly and voluntarily entered the lion’s den. There in the platform amidst all the security stood my uncle. He was grinning. A grin that said’ you stupid fool, you thought you are smart!’
As soon as the train stopped, I watched Maria getting down and running to him and hugging him.
“Ma’am all these are your bags?” One security guy from his entourage asked me pointing to the bags
I nodded my head. I tried to think. The next train back to Kerala is in the night. If I could jump out from the other side of the train and hide the next 15 hours, I can catch the train and go back to Kottayam. I still had my gold chain. I could sell that and buy the ticket.
But what was I going to tell Appa? I couldn’t tell my father anything about ‘him’. I knew Appa would kill Amma, if he knew.
There was nothing I could do. I slowly got down from the train. He was staring at me and I stared at him. Maria and he, started to walk outside and I followed them like a lamb, who knew it was about to be slaughtered. I desperately tried to think of any possible escape. I had no one to run to. I had no family to run to. All I had was a sister in Bangalore and she was holding the knife for the slaughterer.
We got inside his official car. He sat in the front seat, Maria and I sat at the back.
“See Acha, what I got for you?” I watched Maria giving the Waterman pen to him. The pen that should have been mine. I no longer understood how God worked. Here I am, travelling with a man, who hurt me, and I have never hurt anyone, yet, he gets the waterman pen that my father got for me. If there is something called thaleyvara,mine must be written with a broken pen.

Maria and he were talking and I didn’t bother to listen. All I thought was how to escape from this trap. Somehow I knew, this is not going to be easy.

When we entered the medical college, there were lots of cars outside. I watched the police officers getting down from the lead car and immediately everyone around us stopped in their tracks and were staring at us. Someone opened my car door and I got down. Maria and him were already walking to the office and I followed quietly. I watched an elderly dignified man coming out from the main office and shaking ‘his’ hands. That must be the principal.
Maria and ‘he’ sat down in the 2 seats in front of the principal’s desk. Someone got a chair for me and I sat down. I was sure this is a bad dream. I, Nina Thomas, couldn’t have made such a huge mistake.
Someone brought coffee for us. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was till then. I looked at the peon who served the coffee, hoping he would ask me, if I need another cup of coffee. He didn’t understand or probably refused to understand.
Maria was busy signing all the documents.
” These are the hostel forms” Principal handed over a bundle of forms to Maria.
“We will need a letter from the guardian, if the student leaves the college hostel even for a day and we verify the signature of the guardian. So who is going to be the local guardian?” Principal asked
“Both of us” Maria pointed to ‘him’ and her.
I have a father and a mother. Here I am, allowing a man I hate the most to be my official guardian for the next 5 years. I knew I am never going to get out of this jail.
I don’t know how long we sat in that office. I watched Maria and ‘him’ getting up, ‘he’ shook hands with the principal again and I walked behind them quietly. We got inside the car and I wasn’t even sure where we were going. Soon the car stopped infront of another building. Plenty of girls were waiting outside to see the new students. Some had the white coat on their shoulders. They were commenting and laughing at each new student. This must be the ladies hostel, I thought.
Maria got down from the car and said hello to all the girls. They looked stunned, when they saw my uncle coming out of the car. All of a sudden there was absolute silence. Some of the girls folded their hand and greeted my uncle. I wanted to scream and tell them to stop. They have no idea, they are respecting a man who destroyed me. Someone went to get the hostel warden and I was shown to my room. There were three cots, three tables and three chairs in the room. Maria got one of the police officers to carry all the bags inside, while he sat on the chair meant for me. He was staring at me. I ignored him.
When Maria went out to get the mattress from the car, he came close to me and stood behind me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck
“You thought you were smart eh?”
I didn’t respond
“I will be back and guess what, next time, you can’t run far!” He spoke again and I knew he meant it. I quickly walked out of my room.
Maria came back with my mattress, she placed it on my cot. She surveyed the room once again to see that everything is in the right place
“You can unpack your bag yourselt Nina” She turned and looked at Acha
“Shall we?” I looked at her stunned. What does she mean by shall we?
“Be good” She came close to me and kissed me on my forhead.
“You are leaving?” I asked her
“Ofcourse”
“But you promised Appa, you will stay with me for a week”
She just shrugged her shoulder and started to walk outside.
“Maria, I have no money” I ran after her
“You don’t need any money. I have already paid all your fees”
I watched my sister, who should have stood by me and helped me going out with the man I hate the most, leaving me all alone in a medical college hostel.
I went back to my room. From my window I could see more and more cars arriving at the ladies hostel. I watched mothers and fathers beaming with pride, dropping their daughters to the medical college ladies hostel. Some of them even came with their grand parents. While I, Nina Thomas, grand daughter of Methran Thambi was all alone.

It was raining heavy and I didn’t want to get up. Perhaps I was looking for an excuse to stay on within the familiarity of whatever that I have, though I knew, today is the day that I have been waiting all my life.
“Nina, will you write to me?” I looked up to see my baby sister leaning on my bedroom door.
“Come here” I called her.
I watched my baby sister walking towards me, the same little sister whom I met first time at the hospital. I remember being picked up from my school by our driver, who told me that I have a brand new baby sister. I didn’t even know then that my mother was expecting. I remember going to Maria’s school and her asking the driver
“is it a boy or girl?”
“Girl” replied the driver
“Drop me home” Maria ordered
“Don’t you want to see the baby?” Driver asked Maria
“No. I don’t want a sister. I want a brother”
I wanted to see the baby. So after dropping Maria home, the driver took me to the hospital.I remember running up the hospital steps with the driver close in pursuit screaming, “Nina, don’t run, you will fall”.
When I entered the private room, My mother was laying down in the bed and crying
“why Lord, why didn’t you give me a son? Have I not prayed everyday for the last 9 months?”
Next to her in a baby cot was a tiny cute baby. I remember touching the baby’s soft cheeks. The nurses wrapped the baby is white blanket and I saw my sister’s right hand sticking out. I placed my finger in her fist. Somehow I didn’t feel sad that it is a baby girl. I was happy that I had good news to share with my friends at school. I was going to give candies to all my friends.
“What are you going to name her Amma?” I asked
My mother didn’t respond. She was staring at the ceiling. I looked around the room. There was no sign of my father or the driver. I felt all alone, but the baby was still holding my fingers tightly in her fist and I knew, whatever happend the baby will always have me. I am her big sister and even if Maria never wanted her, I am not going to leave her. I knew my baby sister will always have me and that I will protect her.

Sally sat on my bed and I looked at her eyes. There were tears just about to break free.
“Athey, you think I have nothing else to do than write to you?” I asked her and she looked at me stunned
“Aiyyah Sally, how can you even think that I will not write to you? You are my baby sister. If I don’t write to you, who else will I write to? I promise, I will write a letter to you every week”
“Promise Nina?”
“Promise”
“Not toothpaste promise?”
“Not toothpaste promise. Real,100% genuine promise”
“Can I lay down with you?”
“hmm” I moved to the side, so Sally could lay down next to me. I turned to my side and held my sister close to me.
“Are you scared Nina?”
“Scared? Me? Don’t you know I am Methran Thambi’s grand daughter? Fear is not my middle name!”
“You are scared!”
“hmm” I felt like a little mouse
“Don’t worry, everything will be fine Nina”
“Ofcourse” I didn’t believe it. I didn’t know how anything can be fine, when I am going to live in a medical college hostel, 17 hours train ride from my home, when I can’t even speak a single sentence in english. Worst of all I am entering ‘his’ territory.
“Children, come and eat your breakfast” I heard Amma calling
“Get up, let us go and eat before Amma starts her complaint sessions” I pushed Sally off my bed
“You didn’t brush your teeth Nina”
“Shhh.” I placed my finger on my lips. “Don’t you know, Even the mighty elephant don’t brush it’s teeth, so why do I have to, when I am just a mortal human being?”
Sally was shaking her head.
“Sally Stop!. Don’t shake your head, your brain will fall off”
I was expecting her to speak something really witty in response, but what she did was unbelievable. I watched my sister placing her fingers behind her ears and sticking her tongue at me. All of a sudden I felt, she is becoming me ‘the Nina’, and I didn’t know what I was becoming.

The rest of the morning went as though it was just like any other day. Amma was busy doing laundry, Appa was sitting on the easy chair and reading the news paper. Liza had gone for basket ball practice and I was alone in my room trying to figure out, how am I going to cope all by myself in Bangalore. I so very badly wanted someone to speak to me, so I can tell them what is bothering me. Unfortunately in a family with 3 adults, there wasn’t anyone I could talk to.
I knew, the only person that I could talk to, is probably sitting on the veranda, hoping against hope that I would come for a visit before going to Bangalore.

I could hear a lot of din in the kitchen and I knew Amma must have finished doing the laudry and is now cooking lunch. Perhaps I will talk to her.
I walked in to the kitchen and I think Amma was waiting for me
“My back is breaking. When will I ever get some rest? I have 4 daughters. Everyone says I am lucky, because they think my daughters help me with the household chores. Will anyone believe, my daughters don’t even lift their little finger” I turned my head and looked outside. Appa was listening to Amma’s wailing.
I so very much wanted to ask Amma, why should I help her doing the laundry, when she is the one who insists on hand washing and manually rinsing the clothes, already washed by the washing machine?
“Do you want me to help you Amma?” I asked
“Help? What help? you are all good for nothing”
I wasn’t planning to beg Amma asking her what help she is expecting from me. If she thinks I am good for nothing, so be it. I walked back to my room, half expecting Appa to call me and yell at me. But that didn’t happen.

“Lunch is served” I heard Amma yelling. Just as I entered the dining room, I could smell the awful smell of fish head curry. My mother makes the worst fish head curry on planet earth and she knows, I don’t like it. Yet on the day I was leaving home, She made only fish head curry. She must love me so much!. I turned back and walked to my room.
“Nina, come and have your lunch” I heard Appa calling me
I knew I couldn’t tell him that I don’t want to eat fish head curry. We are supposed to eat what ever is on the table.
“Appa, my stomach is hurting”. I went and laid down on my bed, knowing very well that in 24 hours time, I will get food in the college hostel. Nobody will use food as a meassure to get even there.
Around 3 Pm, I got ready, pulled my suitcases to the living room. Made up my bed, put the clothes that I wore earlier in the laundry basket. I heard footsteps and I turned around to look
“Nina, I gave 1000Rs to your sister. She will pay all the fees for you. Open a bank account and send me the number. I will send money every month”
“Ok”.
Somehow, my father thinks his only responsibility in life is sending money. Does he even know what being a father is all about? I was sure my father had no idea.

“I will go and get autos” I heard Appa speaking. All of us waited near the main gate. I watched 2 autos turning in to our court yard
“Why did you call 2 autos? We only needed one” Amma scolded him. Appa turned around and I was worried that he would hit Amma infront of the auto drivers. I quickly ran to where he was standing and told him
“Leave it Appa. Let me leave this home peacefully. You owe me that much”
He pointed his finger to my mother and told me
“Tell your mother to shut up” I didn’t know what my mother’s problem was. why does she have to worry, if Appa called 2 autos or 3, when Appa is the one paying the auto.
Amma was about to reply and I pushed her away from Appa
“Please Amma. Keep quiet”
“Who are you tell me to keep quiet Nina? I have kept quiet all these years. I am not going to keep quiet anymore” I looked at the auto drivers. They were enjoying the comedy show. I looked at Maria, hoping she would help. She too was enjoying the show.
“Can we please go? I will miss my train”. I pleaded to my father
I watched Appa lifting my suitcase and throwing it inside the auto. ‘There goes my pickle bottle’, I thought. I watched him entering the auto and telling the driver
“Railway station”
He didn’t even bother to ask me to go with him
Auto driver started the auto and pushed off.
Maria Placed her suitcase inside the 2nd auto. She climbed inside. There was hardly any place to keep her legs.. Appa could have kept Maria’s suitcase in the other auto and all of us could have gone in one auto. But then again he wanted to teach my mother a lesson.
“Liza and Sally, you can go with Maria” Amma spoke
I watched my sisters climbing over the suitcase and trying to sit inside the auto. Without another word Amma started to walk. Only then I realized, I am the one who is leaving and I am still standing in our courtyard. I waited for the auto with my sisters inside to leave. I locked the gate and slowly started to walk towards the railway station. I could see my mother walking ahead of me. She couldn’t even wait for me.

At the station, Appa stood on one side of my suitcases, Amma stood on the other side and I wasn’t sure where I should stand. So I sat on the concrete bench. No one spoke a word. I heard the announcer announcing the arrival of the train that I knew will help me escape from this mad house.
I was so relieved when I saw the train engine. I got up from the bench, hugged my father, went to my mother, hugged her( she didn’t hug me. She pushed me away), I hugged Liza and I hugged Sally. I said good bye to all of them. I didn’t feel sad leaving home. I was just relieved.
I tried not to think of the chavittu nadakom that will start as soon as my parents reached back home. I tried not to think of how I will cope alone in Bangalore.
As the train started to move, as the train pulled me away fom everything that I knew was part of my home and my family, I stood near the door, looking at the images of my parents and my sisters that was becoming smaller and smaller..I knew I was all alone, but then again I knew, I was always all alone.

Remembering our fallen soldiers.

May we be fortunate enough to live in a world without wars.

“Did you try the coat at the shop? Does it fit?” Amma asked
“Yes” I replied
“Try it on and show me” Amma ordered
“Not now Amma. I will do it later”. I knew if the coat didn’t fit I am in for a big lecture.
“Only when you have your own children will you know” Amma shook her head sadly
“Know what?”
“nah, nothing” she turned and walked away.
What was that all about? I didn’t understand and I didn’t bother to analyse the statement either.

Around 7 pm, I heard someone opening the main gate and I looked out. Appa was holding a news paper wrapped bundle and trying to close the gate. I ran outside
“How is Ammachi?” I asked him
Appa looked at me and for a second I was very worried. Ammachi must have told him my secret.
“Why do you ask Nina?” he asked
“Because she is my grandmother” I replied
“Really? Then how come none of you bothered to visit her all these years?”
Phew, I sighed. That was close.
“How come you didn’t visit your own mother all these years Appa?” I knew, he would get mad. But I had to ask him. That is the least I could do for my grandmother.
My father was angry, really angry. He started to point his fingers at me and yell. I was not at all afraid. Some how all that went through my head at that moment was
pandan nayude pallinu shouryam pande poley falikkunnillai (the good old dog has lost all his charisma!)
I watched Amma and my sisters coming out and standing near the veranda and watching the free show.
My father ranted on and on about how a woman should talk and behave. He warned me
“Your ‘Kottayam’ tongue will bring in only destruction. Don’t you dare try to be like your mother. You know what her words and actions have gotten for her. I am warning you Nina. Control your tongue”
I couldn’t care less. As far as I know, I asked a valid question and Appa had no answer. I watched my father huffing and going inside the house. Just as he reached where Amma was standing, he told Amma
“You are doing an excellent job and raising your daughters well” Amma didn’t respond. But she was staring at me and waiting for me. I wished I was boy. I could have just opened the gate and gone for a walk, till the situation cooled at home. I looked at the guava tree, hoping that there is one ripe fruit ready to pick. Perhaps I can waste a little time looking for a guava. Unfortunately in the evening it is a little difficult to find a guava amidst all the green leaves. I looked at Amma. She was still standing there and looking at me.
I looked down and slowly started to walk towards the door. I passed Amma and was just about to breath happily that nothing untoward happend, I heard
“Nikkadi Avide”(stop right there).
I wanted to run inside, but my feet didn’t move. Amma pushed my shoulder really hard, so I would face her
“You will only be happy, if you destroy this family eh? I should have never given birth to you. You only bring destruction and bad luck. Why did you have to make your father angry? He came 24 hours ago and you couldn’t shut your bloody mouth for another day till you leave? Oh! I am waiting for you to leave this house. I hope I will never have to see you again”
She pushed me again and went back inside the house. I didn’t do anything wrong. All I had done was to ask my father, what his excuses were for not visiting his own mother and I am blamed for everything that goes wrong.
My heart felt so heavy. I desperately wanted to cry. But not infront of my mother. She will not get the satisfaction,seeing me crying.
I walked inside the house. I watched my sisters opening the news paper bundle Appa bought from Chengannur. There was a big packet of jackfruit chips and another packet of kuzhalappam(fried savoury). Only Ammachi knows how much I love kuzhalappam. She and Chakki would have spend the whole day making it for me to take to Bangalore. Ammachi would have kneaded the dough and Chakki would have rolled each marble sized dough to thin circles and both of them would have worked together, rolling the circles on the fingers to form a tube shape and deep fried each kuzhallappam in home made coconut oil to perfection. When I was young, Ammachi would make the rolls a little big so, I could slip them on my fingers, including the thumb and eat.
“That is mine. Ammachi send it for me” I spoke
“oh pinney! Is your name written on it?” Amma was mocking me.
“Please” I begged my sisters.”Please don’t eat that. Let me take it to Bangalore”
“Children, you eat. I already made pickle and Chutney powder for her. That is enough. She is only going to medical college not going to Timbuktu”
My father came out after changing his clothes and I looked at him. He knew the truth and didn’t even bother to stand up for me. My family thrives on vengeance. I went back to my room.

Little while later I heard my father calling
“Nina, come here”
I pretended I didn’t hear. Being deaf, there are certain advantages.
“Nina” I heard him call again. I was laying down on my bed and reading Vanitha magazine. I continued to read.
I could hear Amma telling Liza” Go tell Nina that Appa is calling her” I concentrated more on the Vanitha. I could hear Liza’s footsteps coming closer and closer. She stood near the door and called me softly
“Nina” I didn’t respond
“Nina” She yelled
“What?” I pretended I was shocked
“Appa is calling you”
“Really? I didn’t hear. Quickly I walked to the veranda. Appa was laying down on the easy chair and Amma was sitting on the rattan chair.
“What is it Appa?”
“Did you get your coat?”
“Yes”
“Go wear it and show me”
I didn’t want to.
“Appa, I folded and kept it in the bag already”
“Go and wear it and show me” He yelled. I looked at him and at his wife. I hated both of them.
Grudgingly I went to my room, opened the brown paper bag that was on my bed and took the damn white coat and put it on. It was the first time I ever wore a white coat. It should have been the happiest moment in my life, yet in the midst of all the hatred I felt for each and every member of the family, I hated the coat too. I walked slowly back to the veranda. Appa got up from the chair and stared at me.
‘Don’t you even dare to feel proud of me. You don’t have any right’ Appa perhaps understood the hatred in my eyes. Without another word he leaned back on the chair. I watched Amma getting up from the chair and I quickly removed my coat. I knew she was going to give a comment about how hunched my shoulder looked under that coat or how badly the coat was stitched or how I should walk smartly or use any of the millions of verbal missiles that she has in her arsenal. I didn’t even look at her. I walked back to my room, with my head held high, I am Dr. Nina Thomas. I will survive. For once I didn’t need the Methran Thambi’s tail to be just me.

“I am going to Chengannur” I heard my father speaking to Amma and I ran to him
“Can I go with you?” I asked Appa
Before Appa could answer, Amma responded
“No Nina, not today. You need to collect your white coat today”
“I can collect it on the way back from Chengannur Amma!”
“Use your brain Nina. What if there is any alteration to be done? Do you think the tailor is going to work through the night just for you? Don’t you know you are leaving tomorrow afternoon?”
There was no point in arguing with my mother. I watched my father leaving for Chengannur. I tried to imagine Ammachi’s reaction, when she sees her son rather than her favourite grand daughter. I wasn’t sure how she was going to react.
Amma and Maria went through all my bags to make sure I packed everything.
“Nina, I need to talk to you” Amma looked at me and spoke
“What?” I asked her
“Going to the medical college to study is a good thing. But don’t you dare bring a stranger home and tell me you that you fell in love with him! Do you understand that? You are going to study, not fall in love. ok?”
“What is your problem Amma?” I asked
She looked at me too stunned
“You never fell in love with anyone?”
I could see that Amma was raging and I was unstoppable
“Or is it that, it is customary in our family to only fall in love with blood relations?” I asked her
“What do you mean by that Nina Thomas?”
Oh she called me my full name. This is war
“You think I am blind? You don’t have any right to tell me what I do or don’t do, when you haven’t listened to your own mother”
My mother walked towards me and I knew she was going to hit me
“Oh,please. Stop it Woman. You are not going to hit me, just to keep me quiet. Are you?”
Maria got up from the floor
“What did you call Amma?” She asked me
“What did I call her? Did I call her anything that you haven’t called?”
Amma and Maria were looking at each other
“Have you gone mad Nina?” Amma asked
“Mad? ofcourse. You didn’t know that till now? Our whole family is mad. I am sure you knew that all these while. I am as mad as you.”
“You are trying to be smart eh? You think just because you got admission to do medicine, you won the world eh? mark my word Nina, I swear ‘you will never do well in your life!”
“Oh my mother, Have you not noticed, your swearing has no effect any more. You need to invent something better!”
“Come Maria, Why should we do anything for such an ungrateful wretch. Let her pack her own bags. She thinks she is too smart”
I watched Maria kicking my suitcase that was on the floor and walking out with my mother.
I sat on the floor and slowly went through all my stuff. I had no idea what to pack But I wasn’t going to ask anyone for help.
“Can I help you Nina?” Sally asked me
“Ofcourse” She too sat with me on the floor
“Nina, why do you fight with Amma always?” She asked me
“Not Always Sally. Some times she pushes me to the limit and I have no choice but to fight with her”
“But doesn’t it hurt her? Hasn’t she done enough for us?”
“Ofcourse, but gratitude is a two way street Sally. I have done everything I can do as a daughter for Amma and she only sees what Maria does for her. I am not good enough for her”
“That is a lie Nina”
“Really? Did you hear just now how she cursed me?”
“Come on Nina that is just empty words. You know it isn’t going to work. Don’t you?”
“I don’t know Sally. I really don’t know. But I do know that Amma has never once cursed Maria”
“Sally Why are you helping Nina?” Maria came in to the room and started to yell
“Why not Chechy?” Sally asked
“How dare you talk back to me?” Maria was about to hit her
“Leave her alone Maria”. “Sally go out”
“Why Nina? Why can’t I sit with you? What is Maria’s problem?”
“You are learning to talk like Nina? Get out of the room. Now” Maria was screaming
I pushed Sally’s legs. “Go, leave Sally, before you get hurt”
I heard Maria yelling at Sally and ordering her” Go and read the newspaper and write an abstract in 25 words for the main news for the last 7 days”
I felt sorry for my baby sister, stuck in the line of family loyalty.

“Nina, tailor will close the shop at 5pm. If you want your lab coat, go and collect it yourself” Amma came in to the room and spoke
“You aren’t going with her?” Maria asked her
“She is capable of doing everything by herself. Let her do it. Why should I care?” Amma replied
‘True, why should you care, I was never your child anyway!’ I thought silently. I got up and changed my clothes and walked to the tailor’s shop.
“Is my coat ready?” I asked the owner of the shop. He was standing by the side of the table with a meassuring tape around his neck and cutting the fabric using a golden colour scissors.
“almost” he replied
“What do you mean almost?” I asked him
“They are stitching the buttons. It will be ready in 20 minutes. Why don’t you come back after half an hour?” He asked
“nah, I will wait here” One sewing machine bench was empty and I sat on it. There were 6 tailors in the room. All busy with their own work. I watched the way they were stepping and pressing the pedals systematically. They were creating a very unique music that went ‘kada kada kada kada’. In between one of them would stop, ask the owner for approval for what they just stiched. A room at the back had a lady tailor who was doing machine embroidery on sarees.
A young boy around 13 years old sat in one of the corner. He had a white coat in his hands and he was stitching the buttons. I knew that was my coat. When he looked up, I smiled at him, hoping he would stitch faster.

“kashu”(money) I heard someone speaking and I turned around to look. There was a street urchin with an outstretched arm standing near the entrance of the shop. Her hair was matted, her blouse was torn and her skirt was nothing but a rag of cloth. She looked disgusting and I moved further backwards on my bench. I didn’t want her to see me and come to me asking for money.’What is she doing in a shop like this. I come to the best tailor and pay top money, not to be hassled by people like her. They should lock up these urchins’ I thought

” kashu” (money) she spoke again. This time a little more louder and all the pressing of the pedals stopped. There was a moment of silence in the shop. Everyone looked at her. The owner of the tailoring shop came out from the back of the shop and I watched the girl smiling at him
“Get out” He started to scream
“kashu”(money) her arm was still stretched.
I watched the owner taking the wooden ruler from one of the tailors and he walked to where the girl was standing and in an instant swung the ruler and hit the girl on her outstretched palm. She started to scream and cry
“You said last night you will pay money this morning” The girl was crying
“nayinte mole, chekuthante santhathiye, nanamilley ninakku? Kalathu asabhyam parayunno(child of a bitch, you dare to lie in the early morning?)

He started to hit the girl, and all the tailors went back to pressing the pedals. I watched the girl running out crying and the owner of the shop close in pursuit. He was screaming
“If I ever see you in this lane, I will break every single bone on your body”
The girl didn’t even stop running. After a few seconds, owner of the shop gave up the chase. He looked around and talked to the old man who was standing near his shop

” Ashreekarangal!Morning itself, they start to harass. What we need is more police to arrest all these urchins. That is the only way this problem is going to be solved” and the old man nodded his head and agreed.
I watched the owner walking back to the shop. He was muttering and cursing. Just as he entered the shop, he threw the ruler on the table by the side of the shop and swore
“Stupid Urchins. Spoiled my beautiful day!” He looked out once more to make sure the girl isn’t coming back, took some mookippodi(Snuff) rubbed it between his fingers, snorted it and went back inside the shop.
I looked for the girl and I saw her walking and taking the right turn next to the grocery shop.
Owner of the shop came back few minutes later holding my white coat
“Do you want to try the coat?” He asked me
“No” I wanted to see where the girl went.
I quickly grabbed the coat from him and walked towards the provision store. The girl wasn’t in front of the shop and I looked for her everywhere. I couldn’t find her. I walked back home slowly, Just as I reached the entrance of the district hospital I heard a big commotion. There were a circle of spectators watching something and I could hear tamil being spoken. I pushed through the crowds of people and found the girl I was looking for
She was crying and pleading. Her matted hair was now held by her mother
“I didn’t take the money Amma. he cheated me. He didn’t give me any money. I am telling you the truth Amma. See my hands Amma. I have no money. See my pocket Amma, I have no money”
Everyone around me was enjoying the free show. The enraged mother started to hit her daughter with whatever she could find and I, who knew the truth, didn’t open my mouth. I was very much part of the system.

I woke up in the morning hearing the birde chirping. I sat on my bed and opened the window. I adjusted the pillow and leaned back on the bed.The morning after a rainstorm is beautiful. The air is crisp, the sky is clear, the trees have that shiny healthy glow after losing all the dead and nearly dying leaves in the storm. I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen. I didn’t feel like getting up from my bed. Today is the last day, I get to sleep in my bed at my home. Tomorrow I will be on my way to my new life in Bangalore. The moment I waited for all my life has finally arrived and I felt scared. How am I going to cope alone in a strange town, when I don’t even speak the local language! Will other students laugh at me, because I speak very little english?
In a way, I was glad Appa was home. Atleast I can speak to him about all my worries. I got up from my bed and walked to the living room. My parents were sitting at the dining table, reading news paper. Appa was reading the main news and Amma was reading the obituary column. My mother reads the obituary column first everyday even before she reads the main news. Somehow for her dead people were more important than what is happening around the world. Appa looked over the newspaper, when he heard my footsteps. He looked extremely funny with his bifocals at the tip of his nose. I walked to where he was sitting and pushed his spectacles back to the top of his nasal bridge
“eh? Why are you pushing my spectacles?” He asked me. Before I could speak, he looked down and the spectacles dropped to the tip of the nose.
“You look like an old man” I pushed the spectacles back.
“What do you think? You think your father is still a young man?” Amma asked
I glared at her. A look that kind of asked ‘What is your problem?’ Amma went back to the obituary column.
“What is for breakfast Amma?” I thought I will help her to cook
“See! Look at her! She is old enough to get married and have a baby in 9 months. She still expects me to cook for her!”
It was unbelievable, how my mother could twist and turn the facts. How could she speak like that, when all the while I was the one who was cooking?
“Nina, this isn’t how you treat your mother. She is growing old. You should help her in the house. How can she do everything all by herself?” Appa spoke
I looked at my mother. Her face looked as though she was really sad and her eyes were twinkling in delight. I couldn’t wait for tomorrow to come. I couldn’t wait to get out of this mad woman’s clutches.
“Ofcourse Appa.” I agreed knowing very well,my father would get angry if I showed any sign of defiance. I was just about to walk off to the kitchen and I heard Appa speaking
“Don’t I have to reserve the train ticket to go with Nina and drop her at the medical college?”
“Achacha, I was thinking about that” Amma spoke
Goodness gracious, she called my father ‘Achacha’. That is what my father wanted her to call him and Amma never called him that. I knew she was up to something.
“I was thinking Achacha,you look like a foreigner and speak english with a British accent. Her seniors will know that we are not Indians. They rag foreign students more. I was thinking that, let Maria drop her to the college and she can also stay with Nina for few days to help her settle down. We will visit her later, may be by the end of this month.”
Appa looked at me. I stared at him. ‘Oh, Appa for heaven’s sake use your brain. Your wife is lying. Nobody is going to rag me more, because you speak english with an accent’
Appa looked at Amma and nodded his head
“You are right. It is better that, she stays as a local student. I don’t want her to get ragged unnecessarily’
I so very badly wanted my father to come with me. I looked at Amma. Her eyes were still shining. I hated her. I hated every bit of her.
“Maria, come here” Appa called
I watched Maria running to the dining room.
“What is it Appa?” Maria asked
“You have to go with Nina to Bangalore tomorrow. Stay with her for a week and make sure nobody rags her”
“Ofcourse” My sister looked excited
“I will go and pack my bags” Maria was grinning and I wondered why is she so excited?
I followed Maria to her room. I still had one more favour to ask from her
“Maria, will you teach me, how you tie the saree like Sonia Gandhi?”
“Nope. It is a trade secret. You will just have to learn that by yourself”
“Why Maria? Why can’t you ever be nice to me?”
“Am I not dropping you to college tomorrow? How can you say that I am not nice to you?”

Some how each and every member of family was giftd with the ability to twist words to suit their needs. I went back to my room.

“Nina, come here” I heard my father calling me.
I walked to the dining room. There was a big bowl of steaming hot puttu and kadala on the table
“Set the table Nina. It is time you learned to help your mother” Appa spoke with a raised voice.
I looked at my wonderful father. Does he know that I am the one who cooks most of the food in this house?Does he even know, that his wife’s idea of dinner is kanji and payaru(porridge with green gram curry) each day, every day? In fact I couldn’t even remember when was the last time my mother cooked kadala curry(chickpeas). I wanted to tell my father my side of the story. But how to when his wife has already blind folded him?
Silently I set the table. I took consolation knowing that I will be out of this house in matter of hours.
By the time I finished setting the table, Amma came out of the kitchen. She looked at me and spoke
“ennu kakka thalakuthy parakkum” (crow will fly upside down today).
I looked infront of me. There was a heavy yera glass on the table. I contemplated doing a David’s stunt on my mother. I have taken enough from her. Amma saw the way I was staring at her and she spoke to Appa
“You look at her.. Look at the way she is trying to burn me with her stares.”
I looked down. I didn’t want another fight.
“Nina, be nice to your mother. Don’t you forget she gave birth to you”
“Ofcourse Appa” I replied and spoke silently ‘ yeah just by giving birth, you don’t become a mother! you need to act like one!’
After the family breakfast Appa got up from the table
“Nina I have something for you” I watched him going inside and coming out with a pen in his hand.
“This is for you. This is a waterman pen. It is a very expensive pen. So don’t lose it.” He handed the pen to me.
“Why are you giving her such an expensive pen?” Amma asked
“She is going to be Dr, no? She can write all the prescription with that pen”
“Are you crazy? She never takes care of any of the things you bought for her. She is so irresponsible. Infact she didn’t even have a pen to write her SSLC exam. I had to give her money to buy one the day before her exams!”
“What about me Appa? How come you are not giving me a pen?” Maria asked
“I only got one pen. I got it as a farewell gift from my boss” Appa replied
“I also want a waterman pen Appa” Maria spoke
Appa looked at the pen in my hand and at Maria
“I think you better give the pen to Maria. Atleast she takes care of her things” Amma spoke
I put the pen on the table and walked away. I heard my father speaking, “I will buy you a waterman pen when I come next time Nina”
I didn’t bother to reply. I couldn’t understand, why am I the only one in this family, who never gets anything? Why does my mother still love Maria even after all the things she did? How come nobody ever stand up for me? Why is it so hard for anyone to love me? I didn’t know. All I ever wanted was someone to love me. Even that is a luxury.

Liza and Sally ran to hug Appa. I couldn’t move. I just couldn’t run to him. All that went through my head was ‘you were never there, when I needed you the most’.
“Children, wait, I will get the bags from the cab” I heard Appa speaking
“Can one of you go and get the candles” I heard Amma yelling
“I will get it Amma” Maria spoke.
The moment Appa was out of the door, Amma hissed
“Don’t say a word about Acha. Don’t tell Appa that Chechy is working in Bangalore. Just say that, she is looking for a job. Do you understand?” Amma was hissing.
“Why Amma?” I asked
I am pretty sure, if it wasn’t for the fact that Appa was just a few feet away, Amma would have slapped me.
Amma didn’t reply and I watched Appa carrying a very heavy suitcase inside
“What did you get for us Appa?” Liza was shouting as soon as she saw Appa carrying the bags inside.
Maria brought the lighted candle and I looked at my father. He has lost most of the hair on his head and what little strands of hair that withstood the assault of old age was now grey. It was unbelievable. The once strong, healthy and handsome man that I knew as my father is now a frail old man. Appa sat on the couch and Liza and sally were fighting, as to who gets to sit on his lap.
“I want to sit on Appa’s lap” Sally started to cry
“I want to sit” Liza was crying
“You both can sit” Appa spoke and I watched my sisters sitting on either side of my father’s lap, the lap, that I always claimed as my own.
“Where is Nina?” Appa asked and I watched his eyes scanning the room and he saw me
“Why are you standing there Nina? You haven’t even given me a hug”
I didn’t understand what got in to me. As a child, I was always the first to run to Appa and hug him and as a teenager, about to become a Dr, I couldn’t even think of giving my father a hug. Somewhere along the line as I grew up, so did the distance between my father and I.
“Come here Nina” My father called me
I walked slowly to where he was standing. I looked at my father’s eyes. The greyish brown eyes looked sad. May be he knew, he lost everything that was important to him. I wanted to tell him
‘ you did this. You are the one who walked away. Did you even care to find out, if we were alive? Did you know I scored more marks than Maria for SSLC? Did you know anything about me?’
“My god, you have changed so much Nina. You look so different now” Appa spoke
“hmm” I mumbled and thought ‘ofcourse I look different. The last time you saw me was 6 years ago, I am 17 now’
Appa must have been hurt, suddenly I heard him asking
“Why is there no electricity? Have you checked the fuse?”
“Not yet” I heard Amma speaking. I watched her giving Appa a cup of coffee.
“Liza and Sally get down. Let Appa drink his coffee” Amma spoke.
“Oh Appa, can we sit on your lap a little while longer” Sally pleaded
“Come on children, Appa must be tired. Let him drink his coffee peacefully”
‘ Children? Amma called us children,instead of her usual ‘chekuthante santhathikal‘(devil’s own kids!). I was surprised to see that my mother actually knew how to speak nicely instead of yelling and calling names.

Appa took a sip and asked “chaya? Kappi? chappi?”(coffee, tea or coffee+tea)
‘Shut up you silly old man. Nobody is laughing at your silly jokes’ I thought of telling Appa.
Amma shrugged her shoulder and walked off.
“I think I will check the fuse” Appa kept the coffee cup on the table and got up.
“Where is the torch?” Appa asked
“It is not working, here, use the candle” Amma spoke
“Why is the torch not working?”
“Because the battery is flat”
“Why haven’t you bought new battery?”
“because I didn’t have time”
I knew that is a lie. Amma didn’t buy new battery, because she didn’t want to waste money. She was always complaining that Appa bought a humongous torch that uses a humongous size battery, instead of a penlight, that uses a tiny cheap battery.
I watched Appa taking the candle from Amma’s hand and opening the door and going out to check the fuse box.
“Good that the electricity went offf just before your father came home, now he will know how hard it is to raise 4 girls all by myself” Amma spoke.
Fixing a blown fuse is not a major job. When Maria was home, she fixed it, when she was away, I fixed it. I looked at her mother and wondered why does she have to act like a victim every time.
“Can somebody come and hold the candle?” I heard Appa calling
“You go” Maria spoke looking at me
“Why don’t you go?” I asked her
“Nina, go and help your father” Amma ordered
“Why don’t you help your husband?”
“Can somebody come and hold the candle?” Appa raised his voice.
Amma gave me that look that said, ‘wait till your father leaves, I will teach you a lesson’ and I looked at her with the look that said’by then I will be in the medical college hostel’

By dinner time Appa was updated with the major events of the past 6 years. There were lot more lies than truth. I remembered reading about the watch that beeps whenever someone lied and I looked at my father’s wrist, just to ensure that, he had no such watch.
Appa was thrilled to know that I got admission to do medicine and that Maria was waiting to see if she would get admission to do master’s degree in an American University. I learned that Appa was posted to middle east, he is now the senior most person in charge of the middle east office.
After dinner all of went to the living room and Appa noticed the dancing dolls toys Acha bought for Liza and Sally from a shop on the way to Mysore
“Where did you get this?” Appa asked
Both my sisters were stammering and looking at each other.
“My best friend gave me that as a gift” I spoke
“Oh yeah, her friend Raji gave her last year” Liza spoke nervously
‘Shut up’ I stared at my sister. It was way too obvious that she was trying to cover up something.
“cute toy” Appa spoke
I sighed a sigh of relief, when I saw Appa putting the toy back on the shelf. I hated myself for telling lies, but between the devil that I know is my father and the nasty ocean that I know is my mother, I really didn’t have much choices.