Christian to Agnostic journey

I thought of fighting with Amma for cheating me like this. But there was no point. I am not going to get the admission, even if I go to the college today.I was plain stupid to have believed my mother’s reasonings. It was my fault.
I kept the admission card, back in the cupboard, exactly where Amma kept.
As I folded my clothes, I realized that I don’t have any decent clothes. I still have the same old 7 skirts my father got for me 4 years ago. I am going to study in the most posh college and without decent clothes, my life is going to be miserable.
“What are you doing with the clothes” My mother was screaming. I didn’t even hear her coming in.
“I am just folding the clothes Amma”
“Who asked you to touch my sarees?” Amma pushed me away from the cupboard. I thought of telling her, ‘oh don’t worry Amma, I saw the admission card already, if you were smart, you would have burned it, like the way,Akkachi and I burned the letter tante Ida send’ I looked at my mother and wondered, between the two of us, who is the biggest fool?.
“Amma, I need new clothes”
“For what, you are just going to do pre-degree, not joining any fashion show”
“Amma, all the students will have good clothes and I will look out of place”
“If all the students jump infront of a train, will you jump too?”
“Then, why did you buy new clothes for Maria, when she went to the engineering college?”
Aiyyah how can you compare engineering college to pre-degree? For heavens sake, your sister went to a professional college, not some stupid local college”
Maria was sitting at the dining table and watching us, I looked at my sister
“Why don’t you tell Amma, that I need good clothes? You know how everyone will laugh at me”
“Oh Nina, it is just 2 years, You should not have friends who judge you for what you wear. They are not worth having as friends. Besides, in 2 years you will do engineering or medicine, and you can certainly buy new clothes then”

It was unbelievable, my gold bangle was sold to buy new clothes for my sister and I, the greatest idiot suggested that.

There was still hope for me. I scored the highest mark at the church. I will get the 100 Rs reward this year. Enough to buy 2(cheap) dresses. I waited for the sunday service, where they felicitate the winner. That morning, I wore the purple skirt and yellow blouse. I combed my hair and clipped it with slides. I tried to practice, how I would say my thank you a 1000 times standing infront of the mirror. Should I bow the Malaysian way, or should I shake hands with the priest? May be I should just say a simple thank you.
After the service was over, the priest walked back to the Altar
“I have an announcement to make. We have a winner for this year’s highest SSLC scorer. Every year, our children are scoring higher and higher marks for the SSLC. Soon we will have people scoring 600 out of 600.”
Everyone was laughing. I felt shy.
The priest continued
“This year, I am proud to announce that Jacob Thomas, son of Thomas Karikaale is the winner. He scored 479 marks out of 600.”
That certainly didn’t make sense. I scored 529, which is certainly more than 479. I watched Jacob, wearing a long sleeve white shirt and black trousers, walking up to the altar to collect the cheque from the Priest. Everyone stood up and clapped their hand.
I was fuming. I know I submitted all the certificates,the church asked me to. So there couldn’t have been a mistake. As soon the priest reached his office, I went to him
Acho, I scored 529 marks. How come I didn’t get the award”
“Oh Nina, I am sorry, I forgot to let you know, you are ineligible for the award, because you are a jacobite christian”
“jacobite Christian? I was a member of the CSI choir for the last 4 years, I represented the CSI sunday school for all the competitions and now you tell me that, I didn’t get the award because I am a jacobite?”
“Nina, I can’t do anything. I have to follow the rules”
I didn’t bother to argue. As I walked out of that church that day, I understood, everything is a myth. Someone who attend a pentecostal church, can still get the award from the CSI church, while I, who is half jacobite, half anglican and attended the CSI church for 4 years was not eligible for the award, because of my Jacobite link. I have not even seen the inside of the jacobite church for four years.
I was disgusted with the way I was treated, I promised myself, I will never step my foot inside the CSI church again more importanly God and I, we parted amicably. I don’t beleive in a God, who expects me to wear different costumes.

22 thoughts on “Christian to Agnostic journey

  1. “I don’t beleive in a God, who expects me to wear different costumes.”

    Its not God who takes the decisions but the Church and sure they have stupid rules. It all about politics and power.

    You had already won in lifes battle and it was the first of your victories. the church and your family didnt know that. But God knew and i believe you too.

    Physical looks dont matter much, but yes they do matter a lot of the society.

    And i dont agree that engineering is far more superior to any other Undergrad. i took BA, but i am happy for my choice. People are ignorant about other opportunities other than medicine, engineer and at the most a lawyer and a CA.

  2. All these differences in churches make me sick.We all believe in one god,what was wrong with you being a were a menber of the choir an dattended the church.I am sorry to say the priest was wrong he could have bent the rules and given the cheque to you.After all you did have the highest marks.It looks like the prize was for the person who was csi and not for the person with the highest marks.

  3. If they have so many factors…
    Why the hell do they want to convert all poor hindus to christians? do impriove the church numbers? where will the converted hindu get his due after converting?
    he will still be mistreated…..
    Only goal of the missionary church is to convert by exploiting the poverty of poor hindus!!!!!

    — A true hindu who believes in equality of all religions not conversion!!!!

  4. hmmm.. your write ups are getting more and more strong and deep into heart. some years back i also had a time when my parents asked me to join SB college for degree while i stood myself on my decision to join CMS. lucky my parents didnt do such a harm..

  5. I always thought even if ur mother was not on ur side, god was. but……..may be he had something else good in store for u.

    Hope u r having a good life now to wash away all those bitter experiences u had in ur childhood.


  6. I am sorry for you for not getting the prize as you expected although you were attending the church for several years.

    Now, its always nice to think in someone’s shoes. I dont know much of the actual situation. But after reading your blog I have a feeling that the priest would have done his duty.Why should he have a personal grudge against you?

    Church is an institution and it has rules (which are supposed to be meant for the betterment of its functioning).As you know, rules are important for being organised. Your name should be there in the church registers and then only you will be recognized as a member. That doesn’t mean that you cannot attend the Sunday service if you are not a member. Anyone (even people from other religions) is welcome to attend a Sunday service or prayer group. But when it comes to official things (like the prize for the person who scored highest marks in SSLC) they will always have to check the register for members. Otherwise how will the church keep track of everything? Won’t there be possibility that someone else may come and claim that he had been attending the church regularly (although he may not be) and hence he should get the prize? Rules and always rules…I would have also felt sad if I was at your position but it’s always good to think from the other side as well.

    So Sarah, if you were a registered member in the church, then this incident is very unforunate…. And If so I am eating my words.

    If not, I wrote this lecture for other readers who will otherwise get a very distracted image about church (as you prompted some anonymous to suddenly comeup with some ideas). (I know that I don’t need to explain these things to you as you may already be aware of it)

  7. “I don’t beleive in a God, who expects me to wear different costumes.”

    Imagine you went out shopping in walmart. While walking on the road, you fell down and got hurt. Whom will you blame? You blame Sam Walton (the founder of walmart) isnt it?

    If at all, Sam Walton wouldnt have found walmart -> I wouldnt have to go shopping to walmart -> I wouldnt have to walk my way to walmark -> and wouldnt have got hurt..

    Its a silly example..I know, no one will go shopping to walmart by foot.. I hope you take it lightly..

    Anyway..I love your posts!

  8. This post is for ann!! let me tell you an incident, i was raised a roman catholic syrian christian, and when it came for medical admission to st John’s medical college, did you know on what basis i was rejected, because i did not attend sunday school, and did not , have this certificate, this was after 5 days of interview….? they did not see that in my school days, i changed school every 2 yrs abroad and in india according to where my father was, then they asked me, a kid of 18yrs…do u believe in contraception..i said yes, that was the final nail.

    now i say bullocks to church, and the institution…i have not seen the inside of a church for close to 8 yrs, but i do believe in god, so stop this defending of the church, whatever denomination…darn

  9. Nina, as u see i have had my belief in church struck off, and in the end i married the woman of my choice, but she is orthodox christian, so i got unofficailly struck off the catholic church….in the end are we not all chirstians….?? LOL, i know this event in your life made u wake up to reality in spiritual life, i am sure this has made u stronger spiritually .

  10. too sad that you lost the award. an award (whatever small it might be) is priceless.

    Btw it is impossible to get 479 for SSLC. It might be 478,480 or 481. but never 479 !!!

    Different Churches 🙁
    I hate it. All believe in Jesus in a different version!!! or in different depth ?!!

    No GOD said to wear different costumes, if I am correct. It might be church imposed. It
    is not the fault of the GOD himself.

    tough situations make a person get purified. I can understand that it is too tough to face it everyday… and if it is from our mother, brother, sister, father… it hurts more. I admire your boldness while facing a lot such issues.

    -Just an admirer.

    To Ronnie the cat,

    If your medical admission were in the basis of Merit, then I am nobody to comment… Otherwise think about your statements again !!!

  11. Alex: I remember Ammachi telling me,’you are not above anyone, neither are you below anyone”..but when it comes to education, we mallus only respect the first 5, doctor, engineer, CA, lawyer and MBA..

    Sujit: Ofcourse, each one is superior than the other!

    Thanu: i didn’t want to hear her lying!

    Starry: The price was only for CSI member, even if they attend the service in another church..

    Anon: I don’t know. I don’t believe in any religion..

    Rocksea: There are moments, I think, what I am is because of how I was tortured at home, but then there are moments, I wanted to know, why did I have to endure so much, when others could become doctors without going through any of these

    Jithu: God and I don’t get along.. We have absolute miscommunication!

    Jay: I have always been responsible for my own actions. I didn’t use God as a punching bag…

    Ann: When I read your 2nd comment this is waht came in to my mind.
    There are 3 ‘groups’ if you walk to wall mart and fall
    1. They would blame god for making them fall
    2. They would blame the founder of walmart
    3. They would blame me saying” look god, punished her, because she doesn’t believe in him!!”

    As for me, I would blame myslef. I should look where I am going. I don’t need a punching bag, for my mistakes.

    As for supporting the CSI church, I was under the impression that, there is only one god( clearly stated in the apostolic creed).. and he isn’t CSI or jacobite. So if you tell me, that, someone can be CSI, even if they never attend the church, instead go to ‘Church of God’, and I didn’t get the award, because my name wasn’t in the register?..Then we have too many god’s!
    BTW, my name wasn’t in the register, because although my mother is anglican, they refused to register our names in the CSI church, because my dad is a jacobite..Rules are always rules, and we created them..and we still preach about fairness and god’s mercy and justice.. There is a name for us.. Hippocrites..

    Ronnie: When i walked away, from the church, I had this huge fear of impending doom. I was so worried about god’s retaliation..the eternal hell and all the crap associated with committing the biggest sin.. But I have learned over the years, as long as i don;t do no harm and I believe in myself, I don’t have to live in fear of going to hell.. i am solely responsible for my own actions.. I don’t use god as punching bag and blame him, for anything.

    Anon: I am not religious!

    To all: I am sure, there would be a barrage of pro christain, pro conversion, anti this anti that comments. I don’t want to argue about faith in my blog. You have the right to believe in what you want to, so do I.

  12. Ohh.. not religious… hmm..I couldn’t see something to pride in it.

    “some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprang up with it, and choked it”, I believe that
    you know the meaning. from the book of Job, I saw one person fights against the stream; even at the time his wife and children ran away. Ok may be ordinary people can not keep faith like him. Doesn’t matter.

    But what will happen if somebody says that your blog is completely wrong just because of 479?

    Many kind of readers are across the world.

    1) get the abstract of the event. (here, a sad story of missing an award).

    2) Since the reader may not know the author personally, we look for data.

    and I found that 479 is mismatching with my knowledge. My knowledge need not be always correct. But if somebody got 479, it must be a record in Kerala SSLC history, in my opinion. If you are wrong, you are misleading the readers 🙁

    Since I am religious a bit, one of the most frustrated things around me is that
    … people say “I have a guts to say Bible is wrong” or “Dan brown is right”. What surprising me is that people who is asking for authenticity of the book which was written at the century of Jesus and But they have no guts to ask the authenticity of Dan Brown which is written now on the basis of a 10th century group and 15th century painting. Ok. since you are not religious, you may not be interested in these debates.

    But it would be great if you could clarify things around 479.

    Since author is still alive, there is no point in interpretation. Hence posting this.

    -Anon again.

  13. confused?

    Ok a simple question based on this statement.

    “This year, I am proud to announce that Jacob Thomas, son of Thomas Karikaale is the winner. He scored 479 marks out of 600.”

    Are you sure that his SSLC score was 479?

    (209, 299, 359, 479 are impossible scores in SSLC.)

    If you insist, I’ll make other part of comments clear.
    Let me know where were you confused (surprised?).


  14. hei anon!!

    it might be 479….or whatever, after all these years, off course the number might be wrong…it might be some 477 or what ever…the point of her writting is to show that someone of lesser sslc score got the award…hang the no 479….

    and if u do not beleive in her, go and read the bible…!!

    For there are a lot of us, who beleives in her blogs, and know that she is saying a story close to her heart and soul!!

  15. Not just in Christianity, these politics are there in Hinduism too. I guess every religion is subdivided. Humanity is the only undivided religion. This being the fact that I believe, I am agnostic too. I really don’t care if god exists. I don’t want to do good to please him. I do not want to do bad. But this is not out of my fear to God.

  16. Ha ha …

    ronnie the cat, you said it!!

    No matter I believe her or not. nothing going to happen in her life nor in my life. (FYI: I too a weekly reader of this blog; I too like this blog)

    But she was narrating one of the saddest parts of her life. and if she didn’t remember one of the critical info(the mark of her opponent!!), then generally saying, there is a ‘misspell’ing. I surely knew that she wants to prove that he got some mark which was even below the distinction and she missed the award even though she got a clear distinction. (I wonder this the reason for somebody to go for a Agnostic journey!!!, ok, it is not my business)

    when I posted my first comment, I expected that at least she will correct her about 479. I wonder why my favourite author reluctant to agree with her fault!!! instead she was trying to prove that she is not religious. And it seems that she proud on it. I knew a few guys around me almost similar to the author. They are not ready to agree with Bible just because they feel that there are some contradiction (or not accurate ) with 4 writers; Mattew, Mark, Luke and John. I thought that this author was also undergone through the same feeling. (sorry if not). So I thought to be a bit religious.

    So I would like to just prove that an author in this century with ‘1 sec’ communication speed made this mistake. and a few are blaming 1st century authors for not being accurate (if any). remember the communication speed at that time was more than ‘months’. What I meant by ‘months’ is that a person(at that time) gets to know about the death of a king only after a month or more since it might take time to propagate the news. And if he missed this news, the ‘dead’ king still rules that kingdom.

    btw , ronnie the cat, you were also not bothered to answer my comments, though I didn’t expected it. frankly I don’t mind your business.

    Guys, go on … sorry for hurting your emotions, if any. Really sorry to start an unnecessary arguments to waste the precious time of many 🙁

    I mean..I am stopping.


  17. Hey anon,
    I am interested in relegious discussions and it would be a pleasure to talk to you. But since you are anonymous, i do not know how it would be possible.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *